Dave Gilson

Dave Gilson

Senior editor

Dave Gilson is a senior editor at Mother Jones. Read more of his stories, follow him on Twitter, or contact him.

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Dave Gilson is a senior editor at Mother Jones. Read more of his stories, follow him on Twitter, or contact him.

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Kids, Obama Is Going to Close Gitmo And This Time He Means It.

| Fri Oct. 10, 2014 5:46 PM EDT
"Don't make me pull this prison camp over. Because I will."

Scene: President Obama, driving slowly toward the White House, announces yet again that he wants to shut down the Guantanamo prison camp. A clamor erupts in the back seat.

Kids, I've already told you a million times—I'm going to close Guantanamo.

This time I mean it. And no bellyaching.

Listen, I know you don't like it, but it's time we behaved like civilized human beings.

I don't care who started it. That doesn't make it right.

Will you please quiet down? I can't even hear my own executive order over all that racket!

I'm serious now. End of discussion.

Because I am your president, that's why!

Don't make me pull this prison camp over. Because I will.

Just wait until your next president hears about this. Hoo boy is she gonna be mad.

Keep it up and you won't be extralegally detaining anyone for a solid month, mister!

We've been over the drone thing. When you're a president you can do whatever you want with a drone.

Don't you "habeas schmabeas" me, young lady!

That's it! I am so drafting a new, even stronger statement as soon as we get home.

And stop asking if we're there yet! We'll end this War on Terror when we get there!

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