Tim Murphy

Tim Murphy

Reporter

Tim Murphy is a senior reporter in MoJo's DC bureau. His writing has been featured in Slate and the Washington Monthly. Email him with tips and insights at tmurphy [at] motherjones [dot] com.

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Here's Donald Trump's Epic Throwdown With John Kasich

| Wed Oct. 28, 2015 8:20 PM EDT

It didn't take long for Wednesday's Republican presidential debate to devolve into an angry back-and-forth between rival candidates. And for once, it was actually kind of substantive.

Ohio Gov. John Kasich spent his first moments on camera attacking what he considered to be his party's drift toward the fringe. Although he didn't mention candidates by name, he hammered Donald Trump's proposal for mass deportation of undocumented residents; Ben Carson's decision to base his tax rate on biblical tithing; and many of the other candidates' support for throwing millions of people off the insurance rolls.

Trump didn't take that sitting down. He sniped back, noting that Kasich worked at the investment banking firm Lehmann Brothers prior to the company's collapse in the 2008 financial crisis. Then they fought over what, exactly, Kasich's role at the company was. (He was a managing director of the investment banking division.)

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I Can't Stop Reading This Politician's Terrible Puns

| Fri Oct. 23, 2015 1:10 PM EDT

Louisiana Republican Lt. Gov. Jay Dardenne is one of four major contenders in Saturday's gubernatorial election. He has also received international recognition for his terrible puns.

Beginning in 2003, when he was a state senator, and continuing through his tenure as Louisiana secretary of state, Dardenne has regularly submitted original, single-sentence works of prose to the Bulwer–Lytton Fiction Contest, "a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels." The contest, hosted by San Jose State University, takes its name from the opening sentence of Edward George Bulwer–Lytton's 1830 novel, Paul Clifford—the first, but mercifully not last, usage of the phrase "It was a dark and stormy night..."

Dardenne's crowning literary achievement, noted on his campaign website, was his 2005 entry, which was a winner in the "vile puns" division. It went like this:

Falcon was her name and she was quite the bird of prey, sashaying past her adolescent admirers from one anchor store to another, past the kiosks where earrings longed to lie upon her lobes and sunglasses hoped to nestle on her nose, seemingly the beginning of a beautiful friendship with whomsoever caught the eye of the mall tease, Falcon.

He can really Hammet up when he wants to.

Dardenne has also twice received a "dishonorable mention" for his submissions. Like his 2003 entry:

The final auction item in the estate was the electric home in the frozen tundra, often referred to as "the top of the world," even though the world doesn't really have a top (or a bottom for that matter), and it was expected that Mrs. Claus, a pleasantly plump lady who smelled of cookie dough, would again have to outbid the jovial fat man’s former employees to purchase his assets, that is until the gavel fell and the auctioneer announced solemnly, "The elves have left the building."

And 2008:

"Dimwitted and flushed, Sgt. John Head was frustrated by his constipated attempts to arrest the so-called 'Bathroom Burglar' until, while wiping his brow, he realized that each victim had been robbed in a men's room, thereby focusing his attention on the janitor, whose cleaning habits clearly established a commodus operandi."

The judges weren't exactly bowled over by that.

In Louisiana's jungle primary, the top two vote-getters advance to a November runoff election if no candidate wins a majority. Dardenne has cast himself as a scandal-free alternative to fellow Republican, Sen. David Vitter.

 

Things That Were Shorter Than Hillary Clinton's Benghazi Hearing

| Thu Oct. 22, 2015 8:40 PM EDT

Hillary Clinton's hearing on Benghazi lasted more than 11 hours on Thursday. Here are some things that were shorter:

  • The Hobbit trilogy
  • Pickett's Charge
  • The administration of Pedro Lascuráin, the 34th president of Mexico
  • The lifespan of a female mayfly
  • Phish's set at Big Cypress in 1999
  • The Anglo-Zanzibar War
  • The Pawtucket Red Sox's 33-inning victory over the Rochester Red Wings in 1981
  • The Goldblum Challenge (in which one watches this 10-hour video of Jeff Goldblum laughing)
Thu Jan. 19, 2012 8:58 PM EST
Thu Jan. 19, 2012 4:09 PM EST
Wed Jan. 18, 2012 4:17 PM EST
Wed Jan. 18, 2012 6:00 AM EST
Mon Jan. 16, 2012 11:22 PM EST
Sun Jan. 15, 2012 10:15 PM EST
Fri Jan. 13, 2012 4:10 PM EST
Thu Jan. 12, 2012 1:49 PM EST
Tue Jan. 10, 2012 10:17 AM EST
Mon Jan. 9, 2012 2:00 PM EST
Mon Jan. 9, 2012 12:47 PM EST
Sat Jan. 7, 2012 9:57 PM EST
Fri Jan. 6, 2012 3:30 PM EST
Fri Jan. 6, 2012 11:26 AM EST
Thu Jan. 5, 2012 2:00 PM EST
Tue Jan. 3, 2012 10:46 PM EST
Tue Jan. 3, 2012 8:44 PM EST
Tue Jan. 3, 2012 2:00 PM EST
Tue Jan. 3, 2012 4:01 AM EST
Mon Jan. 2, 2012 1:22 PM EST
Mon Jan. 2, 2012 6:00 AM EST
Sun Jan. 1, 2012 6:09 AM EST
Fri Dec. 30, 2011 6:00 AM EST
Fri Dec. 30, 2011 12:09 AM EST
Thu Dec. 29, 2011 6:00 AM EST
Tue Dec. 27, 2011 6:00 AM EST
Mon Dec. 26, 2011 6:01 AM EST
Fri Dec. 23, 2011 10:01 AM EST