We Report, You Decide
Commentary: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
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Editor's Note: The following dispatch from our Baghdad correspondent was recently retrieved from a fax machine that had been jammed for several months. We pried the pages free, uncrumpled them, and added a clarifying word here and there. Otherwise, the text remains unchanged.
Yesterday morning at 0500, payback time, coalition forces standing tall for America pursued die-hard fedayeen militia near Baghdad. Lightly armed and mobile, these Iraqi irregulars can run but can't hide. Several of them captured on the outskirts of the city were handed over to U.S. intelligence for questioning. Who did they think they were messing with, what kind of patsies did they take us for, and how long did they think we would sit back and let terrorists walk all over us were among the questions asked. All answers obtained remain classified in the interests of not undermining operations and encouraging the fiends.
Dawn revealed widespread devastation in this country the same size as California but not as tough. Long convoys of military vehicles rumbled U.S.A.-all-the-way across the desert to resupply troops we support who are mopping up in the north or anyplace they're needed. Leading all the convoys were U.S. Army soldiers, for tactical reasons, and because America is number one. Sporadic firing along the road came from widely scattered holdout forces who, when night fell, had to sleep with one eye open. Every place they turned in this country of 24 million, U.S. or other willing troops were there. Anytime they stopped to look around in the palm-shaded valleys of the Tigris and the Euphrates, coalition units were staring right back at them just waiting for them to blink. When they tangled with America they tangled with the wrong guy, many Iraqi citizens were now said to be admitting to themselves. Throughout this deeply divided country, members of the Shiite Muslim majority, as well as Sunni Muslims and loyalists of the former ruling Baath Party, acknowledged that at least if they were all killed God would sort them out later.
As a part of a wider campaign for hearts and minds, commander of coalition forces General Tommy Franks verified today that he is lanky. According to anthropomorphic standards accepted in most parts of the world, lankiness involves both height and narrowness, though no precise unit of lank applicable to all personnel has yet been agreed upon. Following a Pentagon strategy of transparency with the media, which has worked well so far, General Franks also affirmed that he is from Texas. Military strategists have been quick to point out that generals who are lanky and from Texas traditionally win wars in which the outcome was never in doubt, like here. (General Franks refused not to be interviewed for this article.)
All across the country rampant looting, an early sign of Western-style democracy, was beginning to emerge. Sophisticated satellite surveillance combined with highly accurate GPS data pinpointed Saddam Hussein's location currently in hell where he belongs along with his thugs and cronies from 9/11. Newly etched in their thoughts and those of their compatriots was the well-known truth that if you fool with the bull you get the horns. Psy-ops specialists measuring the Iraqi unconscious for the Pentagon provided scientific documentation for this state of mind. Iraqi weapons of mass destruction not yet discovered have probably been moved, other sources said. They cited neighboring Syria, Iran, Jordan, parts of Pakistan, Indonesia, one or both Koreas, and maybe China as likely hiding places.
Due to our outstanding growl, bark, and bite, the U.S. is the Big Dog, a consensus of international opinion now holds. Countries that sided with America -- Great Britain in particular -- are viewed as sizable if lesser dogs. Leaders everywhere now realize that yanking the Big Dog's chain will bring on a world of hurt, economically and militarily speaking. In some quarters the U.S. is also seen in a beneficent light, similar to a Saint Bernard who provides aid to those in need and usually does not bite them. Which kind of dog we will turn out to be in Iraq, as we exert our undisputed alpha-male dominance both to feed and discipline the Iraqi people (and dogs), will be closely watched throughout the region.
Already local groups, some of which embody pure evil, have voiced opposition to American-led plans for the country's reconstruction. Though the objection of these demonic cells and other organizations are many, they may be boiled down to three basic categories: First, there's a lot of hollering and yelling about what they claim they don't like about America, blah-blah-blah, too complicated and insane to follow; second, some nonsense about oil and foreigners and Sir Somebody-or-other from England many years ago before there even was an Iraq, as if anybody cares; and third, a bunch of other stuff that's unintelligible in the language they speak, which our military translators could understand if they hadn't been kicked out of the Army for being gay, but they have been, so let's just drop it and move on. Despite the patent falsity, deviousness, and slithering malice behind many of these comments, L. Paul Bremer, the chief U.S. administrator for Iraq, promises he will give them more attention than they deserve.
As for other treacherous cowardly rat slimeballs in the region -- unspecified, in the carefully coded language of diplomacy, though Syria's Assad and Iran's Khamenei better pay attention -- U.S. officials said there were no specific plans on the table at this time. Secretary of State Colin Powell stressed that America has a big toolbox with many diplomatic tools that it can use. In the main part of the toolbox, and in the smaller metal trays that lift out of it on hinges on either side, are, of course, bombs. Somewhere under or next to the bombs are a wide variety of other tools, such as simply mentioning the bombs. Thanks to the bombs, even mentioning the toolbox, as General Powell did in the days leading up to the beginning of the war, can itself be an effective tool.
Also, in the same toolbox, diplomatic sources say, is the road map for the Palestinian-Israeli peace process, which is crumpled from being among the bombs and from being used to give the peace process a jump start, as attempted by British prime minister Tony Blair and a local tow-truck driver. The Bechtel Group, the tow truck's owner of registry, was unavailable for comment. Through backstairs channels, however, a company spokesperson let it be known that Bechtel rules, and its slogan is "No Fear." The company is said to take justifiable pride in the recent success of its Operation Enduring Iraqi Contract, in which the Bechtel Group triumphed over all competing corporations in a bidding war, the outcome of which was never in doubt. Thanks to Bechtel's overwhelming power, 680 million taxpayer dollars previously buried under a bloated and outdated federal bureaucracy are now free to circulate in the company's accounts receivable and participate in the rebuilding of Iraq.
Bechtel is an international construction company loosely based in San Francisco. It is famous for building all or part of the International Monetary Fund, Interpol, the International Date Line, International House of Pancakes, and the eruption of the Krakatau volcano. Privately held, it is none of your business. George Shultz, secretary of state under Ronald Reagan, served as Bechtel's president for many years until he resigned to head it in another capacity. As senior counselor and a member of the company's board, Shultz also runs his own catering business and gives aerobics workouts on the side. All the people he used to know when he worked in Washington have vanished completely from his acquaintance, as often happens when executive families relocate. He is rumored to still be at large.
