Volleyball, catapults, and high-haired Republicans
by Paula Poundstone From: paula@motherjones.com August 14, 1996 The worst thing about watching the Republican convention is knowing that the Democrats are going to do the exact same thing in a few weeks. It's only day three and I already can't take it anymore. If I hear one more speaker tearfully emote that they're "proud to be an American," I swear, I might vomit. That's not where the debate lies. We're in agreement on that part. It's not like, in Chicago, the Democrats will take the stage and say, "It's great to be here at the Democratic convention sharing our common desire to be Cambodian citizens." The Republicans also had a rape victim speak about her horrific experience. And? Where's the controversy there? I'm not an actual office holder in the Democratic party, but I think I can go out on a limb and speak on behalf of them on this. We're against rape, too. Of course, the Democrats will do the same stupid thing as the Republicans. They'll trot out a rape victim and an AIDS victim and a video of kids saying they want a good education. That'd all be well and good if they'd then like to speak of a specific plan to correct these problems. Maybe, in the interest of party unity, this is as far as the Republicans have been able to get. Maybe the debate about a solution is kept from us. Maybe some incredibly high-haired Republican women argued vociferously in a meeting behind closed doors, I think we should temporarily, for the purpose of making the convention bearable, suspend the First Ammendment guarantee of freedom of speech. That way anytime a speaker presents a problem that we all already know about, without offering a specific solution, they could be catapulted from the stage by a powerful spring device and would stick to the ceiling until everyone else had gone home. I have come to really appreciate the press. I've only watched these things a couple of times, but some of these people have sat through this crap for years. I couldn't keep my mouth shut as I sat in my seat among the print press. Newt Gingrich actually introduced an Olympic beach volleyball player, named Kent, on stage and said he was an example of what freedom is all about. Do I not understand what the word means? Or did I miss the chapter in history where Harriet Tubman risked her life to carry Kent and his ball and his sunblock through the Underground Railroad? I'm sure I'm too immature for this job because when New York Representative Susan Molinari went on and on about how she has a baby and that makes her really care about the future, I kept making a gagging noise. Some real reporter moved away from me. I didn't care. She's got a lot of nerve being so perky. She looked like she was always about to say, "It's a candy AND a breath mint." Almost every speaker has made some weird, pointless reference to their parents. I guess it's supposed to be sweet. It's not. Don't they have phones? If they need to say a sweet thing to their parents couldn't they call? Ohio Representative John Kasich enthusiastically blurted out that his mother would rather walk than take the bus to save fifty cents. "Gee," I thought. "My mother's cheap too, but how does that make Bob Dole a good president?" What do you want to bet that it's even worse tonight? | The Final Night - - - Watching the watchers - - - The Third Night - - -
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