Wow. Our experiment is off to a great start—let's see if we can finish it off sooner than expected.
An extremely rigorous and methodologically sound new study reveals some critical new nutritional information:
Table 2 shows the adjusted mean z-scores for each cognitive outcome across increasing categories of chocolate intake....Chocolate intake was significantly and positively associated with the Global Composite, Visual-Spatial Memory and Organization, Working Memory, Scanning and Tracking, the Similarities test (abstract reasoning), and the MMSE (covariate set 1, all p<0.05).
Population-level cognitive ability has long been associated with national success, which suggests that we need to establish two new pillars of American foreign policy. First, we need to invade and take control of the key cacao-producing countries of the world. Second, we need to establish a Strategic Chocolate Reserve. Just in case.
If we truly want to make America great again, we all need to buckle down and eat more chocolate. I'm doing my part, citizen. Are you?