If that punk Rebecca Black can get rich by making a crappy song and video, I wanna do it too! How can I make viral videos that win me financial and celebrity acclaim?
If I knew the answer to that, do you really think I'd be telling you how to become a millionaire while I sit here in my Target pajamas, drinking Charles Shaw out of a measuring cup?
For the three of you who haven't been on the Internet for the past few weeks, or have simply had better things to do with your time, eff you. I mean, this is what happened with Rebecca Black. She's a 13-year-old whose rich parents gave $2,000 to Ark Music Factory to write two terrible songs and make a video out of the one whose lyrics included the order of the days of the week, and breakfast. Black "sang" it, and Ark made said video into an auto-tuned monstrosity, with kids in braces pretending to drive convertibles and such. The scathing reaction to the song made the video go viral. (As of this week, it's been viewed almost 65 million times). Musician Mike Bauer impersonated Bob Dylan in a hilarious cover of it, which is totally worth watching just to hear him sing, "Gotta have cereal." And bam! Insta-fame.
According to Slate, Black has probably made about $40,000 from the song, and assuming she doesn't use most of it on therapy from the hatefest she inspired, that's a decent sum for a 13-year-old. While there's no magical key for making lots of money that you don't deserve, here are a few suggestions for you to try on your way to Internet infamy, based on YouTube's most-viewed videos of all time.
Read the rest of my social media column at SF Weekly.