Oh dear, honey baby. Oh no, baby doll.

This is a bad film.

Very bad. Profoundly bad. This movie is exhaustingly, catastrophically bad. It is a failure on every single level. The story is bad. The direction is bad. The music somehow manages to be bad. The acting is at best serviceable and at worst, in one egregious case, unwatchable. The sensation of watching this film is pain. The amount of pain may vary depending on your particular tastes, but some measure of pain is the promise of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.

In the end of Man of Steel, Superman and Michael Shannon's Zod have a big battle that leaves most of downtown Metropolis in ruin. One of those ruins is a building owned by Bruce Wayne. Bruce Wayne is very mad that his building was destroyed, and Batman v Superman begins with Ben Affleck's aged Wayne being very upset at Superman. Superman, too, is no fan of Batman because Batman likes to brand his collars with a bat iron so that they get killed in prison (this is a real plot point) and Superman thinks this is unbecoming of a gentleman. Or a gentlesuperhero.  Or something. Also Superman knows Batman's identity. Also no one calls him Batman. They call him the Bat of Gotham (nonetheless, the movie is called Batman v Superman, not the Bat of Gotham v Superman), which suggests the movie title takes place in a universe that is separate from the movie itself.

Also, Metropolis and Gotham are literally across the river from each other. You can see one from the other. On numerous occasions people in one city look across the river and say, "let's go to Metropolis/Gotham," but the effect is not that these are distinct domains, but that in a comic book census, they'd both be in the same metropolitan area. In this film, Gotham and Metropolis are comparable to Minneapolis and St. Paul. Earth's greatest heroes live in Minneapolis and St. Paul and spend all their time going back and forth between the two.

Affleck's Batman is less a remarkable physical specimen who can do karate and kill 1,000 ninjas with his bare hands (a la Christian Bale) as he is a well-armed sociopath. His main superpower in this film is owning a number of firearms. Imagine a more serious and elaborately costumed version of Nicolas Cage's character in Kick-Ass. Along for the ride is Jeremy Irons as Alfred, making tea and saying things like, "Hey kid, why don't you go out and get a girlfriend and stop stewing about your parents' death 40 years ago?"

Meanwhile, across the river, Lex Luthor, played by Jesse Eisenberg, is very mad at Superman because…well, it's not clear except he has always hated the Man of Steel. Eisenberg gives roughly 1,000 speeches in which he describes his motives, but nothing he says makes any sense or hints to any actual motive. He's really mad at God—he talks about God a lot—but it's not clear if he's being critical of actual religion or if he's just using it as a metaphor, God being the ultimate Superman. After about two hours he mutters some throwaway line about how his father beat him, so maybe that's why? Parents just don't understand! Lex Luthor also knows that Batman is Bruce Wayne and he decides he wants Batman and Superman to fight. So there is an hour and a half of utterly incomprehensible nonsense in which Luthor Iagos them into battling.

Let's talk about Jesse Eisenberg's Lex Luther for a second. Eisenberg is a fine actor but his performance in this movie is grating. And it's not just a bad performance. It's a bad performance clearly egged on by misguided direction, combined with thoroughly inane lines. Eisenberg's Luthor is one of those rare characters in the history of cinema you just don't want to see on screen. Whenever he comes on you're gritting your teeth and hoping the frenetic editing will cut to another scene.

Somehow this doesn't happen! Maybe five scenes in this whole movie are longer than 90 seconds and it feels like all of them feature Luthor. It's as if  Zack Snyder has crippling ADD and when he takes Ritalin he helplessly focuses on the most annoying thing possible. The Luthor of Batman v Superman makes people with two legs want to run out the door. It makes people with one leg want to hop out the door. It makes people with no legs want to crawl out the door.

Then there is the existential question: "How could Batman possibly defeat Superman?" What's that? You know how he could defeat Superman because it is the only way anyone can defeat Superman? With kryptonite, of course. Right? Yes, you are correct. Batman steals some kryptonite from Lex Luthor who bribed a US senator with Jolly Ranchers (this actually happens) into giving him Michael Shannon's kryptonite ship from the last movie. But Lex Luthor sort of wanted Batman to steal it so it wasn't really stealing stealing. Or something. Are you still with me?

Batman makes some kryptonite grenades and a kryptnoite spear and blah blah blah 90 minutes into this assault on the senses they finally fight and it is really great and makes up for the rest of the—hahahahah just kidding.

It is incomprehensible! Nothing makes any sense! We all understand that plots in these movies don't make sense. Of course they don't. That's standard. But in this movie nothing makes sense on a scene level. In a lot of movies that make no sense on a plot level, the person will say, "I am going to rob this fruit store," and you can quibble about why a person would rob a fruit store, but the characters in the movie accept it and go about robbing the fruit store and we go along with it. They have conviction and authenticity and they really try to rob that fruit store good, even if we in the audience think they are being ridiculous for robbing a fruit store, because when it really works, it doesn't matter. In Batman v Superman the characters say, "I am going to rob this fruit store," and then go into the fruit store, throw fruit in the air, paint the walls with fruit, pay for the fruit, use the fruit as puppets in improv comedy, have a dance party with the fruit, build a home in the fruit store, burn the fruit store down, exit the smoldering husk of the fruit store and announce, "I robbed the vegetable store."

I don't want to spoil this awful train wreck for you so I won't go into details but the end of the Batman/Superman fight is the most ridiculous thing in the entire world. It makes not a lick of sense and is impossible to sit through without giggling. Importantly, these are laughs of discomfort not delight.

Oh! Wonder Woman is also in this movie. If you're wondering why my mentioning her seems like an afterthought, it's because that's how she's treated in the movie. I don't know what else to tell you. She seems nice? Nothing is explained about her at all.

The best thing about this film is the ending. And not the substance of the ending, which makes no sense; it's the existence of the ending because it means I am no longer stuck in that theater watching this awful movie. And yet even this is a letdown! The ending carries the explicit threat that this saga will never be over. Warner Brothers has gone all in on this version of the DC characters for their own comic universe. Next will be Suicide Squad and then Wonder Woman and then Justice League. These movies will apparently all be terrible, but we'll see them anyway because that's life.

The most infuriating part of this for me was that it didn't have to be this way. With the exception of Eisenberg, the actors are all fine in their roles. None of them have much to do, but they do it serviceably—and Affleck, for his thankless part, is actually pretty good! Easily the best thing about the movie. I would love to see a thoughtful film about Ben Affleck's winsome old Batman, but I can't summon the optimism to believe the people who made this movie will ever make that movie.

I wish they would take the series away from Zack Snyder et al. Give it to someone else. Give it to the third grip from the Marvel movies. Hell, give it back to Bryan Singer! Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice heralds justice not for Clark Kent or Bruce Wayne, but for the underappreciated Superman Returns, which is worth a second look. It may have been not ideal but it wasn't painful to watch. Batman v Superman is a movie that can only be endured, never enjoyed.

Shortly after Sen. Lindsey Graham issued a series of spectacular insults aimed at his former Republican presidential challengers—one of which included the line, "If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, no one would convict you"—Graham endorsed the Texas senator for president. On the Daily Show on Wednesday, he tried his best to explain why.

"I'm on the Ted train, absolutely," Graham told host Trevor Noah, grinning and seemingly aware of his own bullshit. "What's not to like?"

Noah then ran the clip of his memorable Cruz diss, and asked why things have changed. Smiling ruefully, Graham said, "It tells you everything you need to know about Donald Trump." He later laughed, "I'm gettin' better at this."

Graham proceeded to basically call out the entire Republican Party, which he called "absolutely screwed up," even warning Noah to prepare accordingly if Trump were to make it to the White House.

"If Trump wins, your days are numbered, pal," he said. "Young, black, liberal guy from Africa is not going to work with him."

John Oliver continued his campaign to #MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain this week with a takedown of the Republican front-runner's repeated calls to build a massive wall at the US-Mexico border—a plan Trump first introduced last June with the inflammatory statement that Mexicans were crime-peddling "rapists."

"The border wall is one of the few policy proposals Trump has talked about in details, so instead of mocking or dismissing it out of hand, let's take a serious proposal by a serious presidential candidate seriously," Oliver said.

The Last Week Tonight host went on to expose the major problems with the real estate magnate's signature immigration policy (other than the sheer xenophobia embedded in the plan), explaining to viewers that such a wall would likely cost $26 billion—far more than the $4 billion Trump tells his supporters it would take.

"It's a big dumb thing that only gets more expensive over time," Oliver said. "It's like getting a pet walrus: You think it's stupid now—wait until you learn what a bucket of sea cucumbers costs. You're not prepared for that."

Yesterday, a video posted by Anonymous announced that the hacktivist entity has declared "total war" on Donald Trump, the possibly computer-semiliterate Republican front runner. This is the shadowy cyberactivists' latest vow to annihilate a formidable enemy—an expanding list of foes that includes terrorist groups, multinational corporations, several countries, and an Australian bowhunter who was killing cats.

So far, the vast majority of Anonymous' targets have survived the much-hyped digital onslaught. As The Hill notes, the newest opening of hostilities with Trump follows a similar declaration last year that "never made much of an impact." 

Here are more than 40 targets that Anonymous members—and eager headline writers—have claimed it has "declared war on":

The Ku Klux Klan

ISIS

Syrian government websites

Terrorist websites

Egypt's Muslim Brotherhood

Jihad

The US government

The UK government

Police

Cincinnati police

Hong Kong police

Thai police

The Thai junta

Turkey

North Korea

Saudi Arabia

Singapore

Japan

Israel

The Cambodian government

Corruption and poverty in Nigeria

Orlando

Congress

Capitalism

Religion

Scientology

The Westboro Baptist Church

The family court of Australia

Wikileaks

Gov. Rick Snyder

Facebook

Sony

The Recording Industry Association of America

Marijuana prohibition

Pedophilia

A "rape town"

A "revenge porn" site founder

A "cat killer"

The Lizard Squad Hacker Team

Louis Vuitton

Kanye West

On Sunday, John Oliver took on the FBI's continuing demands for Apple to unlock a cellphone used by one of the San Bernardino shooters. Speaking largely on Apple's side of the debate, the Last Week Tonight host explained the importance of encryption and broke down what's at stake in the high-profile battle:

"There is no easy side to be on in this debate," Oliver said. "Strong encryption has its costs, from protecting terrorists to drug dealers to child pornographers. But I happen to feel that the risks of weakening encryption, even a little bit, even just for the government, are potentially much worse."

Even Sen. Lindsey Graham, who first came out strongly against Apple for refusing to comply with the FBI's orders, recently admitted that upon further research, he's realized the government's orders could pose an enormous risk to Americans' security.

"It's just not so simple," Graham told Attorney General Loretta Lynch during a hearing on the subject last week. "I thought it was that simple—I was all with you until I actually started getting briefed by people in the intel community and I will say that I'm a person who's been moved by the arguments that the precedent we set and the damage we may be doing to our own national security."

As Oliver notes, it's a "miracle" Graham has finally grasped the concept of nuance.

The Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is in Washington this week to wine and dine with the Obamas and announce a new climate deal, and Twitter has been absolutely thirsty for his arrival. If you can't afford to flee across America's northern border upon the ascent of President Donald Trump to the White House, here, instead, are a few photos of Canadian Bae-minister-in-chief Trudeau. He pulls off the exact embodiment of everything NOT-American so flawlessly, it sort of hurts. Enjoy.

"Kindness," for example. On a pink sweater. Come on:

He unreservedly loves the gays:

I meeeeeeean:

He's a self-described feminist. Aw:

Here he is, fighting for your rights (he used to be a boxer):

They're like the freaking Canadian Kennedys:

Oh, and don't forget this one:

You're welcome.

Stacey Dash played Dionne in the wonderful film Clueless. She also has very retrograde views on race! She has now made a video for Independent Journal Review, where the joke is that she is the Director of Minority Outreach in Hollywood, a position the real Dash would probably think shouldn't exist because racism is dead or something. In the clip, Director of Minority Outreach Dash goes to CPAC to find some minorities to be movie stars and they read lines from Clueless.

Here are some takeaways:

1) Stacey Dash is doubling down on a bit from the Oscars that went so poorly Chrissy Teigan's reaction went viral.

2) Dash looks like she has not aged in 20 years.

3) These conservatives she met at CPAC are not very good actors. Watching them butcher a '90s classic is fun in a hate-watching sort of way.

4) In the end, Dash sends the audition tapes to  Tyler Perry and Spike Lee and says "I would love to be a fly on the wall when they open up those envelopes." I sincerely doubt Tyler Perry and Spike Lee are going to open those envelopes.

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On Wednesday, Wired published a story about Donald Trump and the virality of marginal media subjects we've had the pleasure of laughing at during this election season. And thanks to a nifty Chrome extension and the ensuing correction it brought on, the story itself has turned into viral gold:

Best correction ever.

On Monday, Stephen Colbert took a few minutes to address Donald Trump's boast about the size of his penis during the most recent Republican debate, expressing his utter disbelief that such a vulgar remark could be made by a presidential candidate. At one point, the Late Show host couldn't even keep a straight face while delivering a joke about the GOP front-runner's less than presidential comments.

"This man is talking about the size of his schvantz in a presidential debate," Colbert said. "This is someone who could have his fingers on the button—and God, I hope it's his finger. We don't know if it could reach the button. We have no idea! The Russians could launch and he could be trying to reach the button."

"I can't believe that these are absolutely legitimate jokes to be making about a presidential debate right now," he added.

Judging by Donald Trump's sweeping victories on Super Tuesday, Republican voters have decidedly ignored John Oliver's plea to #MakeDonaldDrumpf again and are on track to nominate the "serial liar" for president—at least for the time being.

But that doesn't mean the Last Week Tonight host is done skewering Trump or his GOP rivals, especially after last week's vulgar debate in Detroit, in which the real estate magnate boasted about the size of his penis on national television.

"That's right, Donald Trump just talked about his dick during a presidential debate," Oliver said. "A dick which I presume looks like a Cheeto with the cheese dust rubbed off."

He then played audio excerpts of Trump's ex-wife's equally cringeworthy romance novel, read by Morgan Fairchild.

As Oliver declared last night, welcome to "Clowntown Fuck-the-World Shitshow 2016."

Note: The original clip was taken down, but you can head to YouTube to watch.