Ron Paul: The Only Candidate that Won't Land Catholics in a Pit of Eternal Fire. ... Or Is He?

| Thu Nov. 15, 2007 5:09 PM EST

The nation's bishops held a press conference yesterday to warn that the choices Roman Catholic voters make at the ballot box may put their eternal salvation at risk. In large part, they appeared to be talking about the candidates' stances on abortion. The take-home message: Vote for a Democrat, go to Hell. (more after the jump)

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But we're not being entirely fair. Let's face it: Jesus isn't on the ballot. Every last one of these candidates is a filthy sinner, and as soon as any one of them takes the reins, he or she will start making moral judgements with global ramifications. Just to get in the saddle, all are taking stances that clash with those of the church.

Rudy G? He's pro-choice anyway, but Mr. Machismo is also unapologetically pro-war and pro-death penalty. He's also divorced, and thus will drag your writhing soul with him into the underworld.

Fred Thompson? He's a pro-capital punishment hawk who thinks we need to give the Pentagon even more money so it can wreak havoc in ... Iran perhaps?

Hell.

Mitt Romney? He's a Mormon.

Hell.

Voting Democratic may lead the confirmed into pits of burning sulfur, but the fact is, most every GOP candidate is gung-ho on the war and thinks the state should fry death row inmates. What's a good Catholic to do?

Hmm. Well there is Ron Paul. Paul thinks life begins at conception. He's against the war, the death penalty and embryonic stem cell research. Even though he voted against the amendment to ban gay marriage--as a libertarian Republican, he thinks it's not the government's business--he's personally against the practice. Could Paul really be The One to guide voters to Heaven?

Oh, wait. Turns out he wants to legalize, or at least decriminalize prostitution.

Hell.

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