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It's Official: MoJo Interns Rejected for TARP Funds
Well, it looks like it's official. Despite our considerable efforts, Mother Jones is getting no federal bailout funds. According to YooJin Na at the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency, "your organization is not eligible for the TARP-CPP." Supportively, he included a link to the Treasury Department's special Emergency Economic Stabilization Act website.
But that's only one G-man's opinion—we have yet to hear the verdict from the other places we applied. So there's still hope.
Like Matthew Lesko and Edwardsville, Alabama, we know there's got to be federal money for everyone somewhere. We've condensed the already pretty effortless Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP) application process below, so you too can test your luck.
Apply for your bailout, in two frighteningly easy steps:
1. Fill out this form.
2. Email it to the Federal Deposition Insurance Corporation at assessments@fdic.gov, the Office of Thrift Supervision at webmaster@ots.treas.gov, the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency at Customer.Assistance@occ.treas.gov, or the Federal Reserve. Try all four to maximize your odds.
It pays to take your chances: 27 minutes for a possible 30-billion-dollar payout. That's sure better than than waiting tables.
—Alexis Fitts and Daniel Luzer
Sensationally silly post. Of course you were rejected, knuckleheads. You aren't a finance lender upon whose liquidity a lot of businesses rely. Resist the urge to be adorably controversial and stick to straight journalism.
Why don't you get one intern to loan the other intern a certain amount of money ($1 should be enough), then apply for the money again. I think that would be enough to qualify. Point out that the second intern failed to repay the loan.
Now a plan emerges.
Well, it was worth trying. Especially under the last administration. You just needed to tell them you were (maybe, kinda) going to acquire a bank. Then just sit on the money.
OK, now I get the Luzer part. But what about the Fitts?