Did I Steal My Daughter? The Tribulations of Global Adoption
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The day before we met Beatriz, I asked Susi what it was like for Guatemalan mothers to see their child with another set of parents.
"I think it gives them peace," she replied. "They feel, 'I am dark-skinned. I am a woman. I have no education. I gave him away. I am worthless.' They think about this child every day, but they feel like they have no right to that child. [After a reunion], they understand that they are being given the opportunity to have a relationship and that they deserve it."
And what about the adoptees? "The most important thing for the adopted child is to know that they weren't given up because they weren't loved," she said. "It is so obvious to me that they are deeply, deeply loved by their birth mothers."
Susi had decided we should meet Beatriz at McDonald's because it would afford us some anonymity. It turned out to be the perfect setting for Flora, no stranger to the pleasures of McNuggets and giant sliding tubes. In the lunchtime rush, few looked up from their Big Macs to wonder why a blond gringa and a petite Guatemalan were clinging to each other and weeping.
When you meet your daughter's mother, you don't waste time with small talk. And at first, there was no need for talking because Beatriz could not take her eyes off Flora.
"Hola, mi amor," she said as she bent down.
Flora frowned and turned away. "I want Daddy," she said.
Walter picked her up and kissed her cheek. "Sweetie," he said. "This is Beatriz. She's your Guatemalan mommy." Flora buried her face in his shoulder. Nervously, we tried to draw her out. But Beatriz told us not to worry.
With Susi translating, Beatriz told us that she was deeply depressed for a year after the adoption was finalized. She got through her pain by turning to God. She loved being in the hospital with Flora and demanded as a condition of the adoption that she could visit her in foster care. She assumed that she would never see Flora again and she was still in shock that she had. She took obvious delight in how healthy and happy Flora was. She told us the names of all of Flora's relatives and explained that Flora gets her dimples from her uncle.
Somewhere along the way Flora smiled at Beatriz and lobbed a Happy Meal Furby toy onto the table. Beatriz laughed.
"She's kind of a tomboy," I said.
Susi and Beatriz looked puzzled.
"She likes to play boy games with her brothers," I continued. Flora was dressed for the occasion in a freshly ironed dress and white patent-leather sandals; I'd even had her ears pierced so she would look like other Guatemalan girls.
"She doesn't like dresses," I continued. "She prefers pants."
"Oh!" Beatriz clapped. "Just like me!"
"And she is very attached to Walter."
"That's just like me, too!" she continued. "I loved my father more than anyone."
As if on cue, Flora pooped and would only allow Walter to change her diaper. As he grabbed the wipes and trudged off to the men's room, Beatriz and Susi looked at each other. "We train the men differently in the United States," I said.
"Obviously," Beatriz laughed.
Then I blurted it out, sobbing. "I'm sorry we changed her name."
"Don't worry," Beatriz said. "You've given me more than I could ever have imagined." Her gratitude was unsettling, unnecessary, overwhelming.
Many adoptive parents describe their connection with their children as something that was destined by a larger force. "God brought us to each other," they'll say. "We were meant to be a family." I understand why we want to think that, but the reality is, Flora is my child because something went wrong. To believe otherwise would mean that God intended for Beatriz to suffer because she couldn't afford to raise her child, that we were meant to have the option of adding a girl to our family because we could afford the price.
At the end of our third hour together, all of us—save Flora—looked shell shocked, but no one wanted to leave. Beatriz asked if I worked. I said I was a journalist and that one day I hoped to write about women in Guatemala and other countries who place their children for adoption. I told her that we don't hear much about these mothers.
Beatriz nodded. "Please write about me," she said. "Please tell the Americans how much I love my daughter."
so what will Flora make of that day, much less this article? I have no idea. But I think a lot about what Hollee McGinnis told me about her Korean family. "Adoptees have to ultimately figure out what it means that they were adopted," she said. "Yes, they can go and ask some questions, but the meaning-making will be theirs. Openness is really good in that you don't have to jump through all these extra hurdles. But the work of figuring it out is still there."
Loving an adopted child is easy. In fact, Flora's adoption was in some astonishing way more powerful than giving birth to my sons. To fall so deeply for a daughter who has no genetic link to me made me realize that we are simply hardwired to love the children we are given to raise.
Raising an adopted child is, however, a complicated privilege. Walter and I could not turn our backs on Beatriz's poverty. After trying unsuccessfully to find a nonprofit that would help us sponsor her somehow, we finally decided to just send her money through Susi so she could finish her education. Could this encourage women in her neighborhood to place a child for adoption? Could we possibly not do it?
What I do know is that I have never felt more like Flora's "real" mother than when Beatriz and I were holding each other next to Ronald McDonald. And that's not because Flora so obviously saw me as her mommy. It's because I now understand I'm not her only one.
Photo: David Bowman
Comments:
Thank you so much for sharing this powerful and personal article about ethics in international adoption. I was deeply moved and appreciate this much-needed entry in the media discussion.
Posted by:Dawn FriedmanOctober 22, 2007 10:06:14 AMRespond ^
What an amazing journey you have allowed us to join. Words cannot describe my feelings and I don't remember being so moved by an article in a very long time. Thank you.
Posted by:Laurie McGrathOctober 22, 2007 10:39:30 AMRespond ^
I want to thank Elizabeth Sherman for this thoughtful, important, and moving piece on adopting her daughter from Guatemala.
I want to clarify one small point, however. The University of California/Berkeley's Human Rights Center did not "develop" the database that has connected children kidnapped by the military in El Salvador during the war with their birth families, or certainly not alone. Much of that work was done the Asociación pro Búsqueda de Niños y Niñas Desapacidos (http://www.probusqueda.org/), prominently under the leadership of the late Jesuit priest, Fr. Jon Cortina. The organization was born in the hard and dangerous work of helping organize testimony for the Truth Commission in 1992, when families came forward and told of seeing their children kidnapped by the military. Not a word of their testimony appeared in the Truth Commission report, however. Cortina and others began the slow, tedious work of searching records of the Red Cross and orphanages, trying to match the stories of families with notations about children dropped off by the military. Since 1992, they have built a network of more than 700 families in El Salvador that lost children, putting more than 300 children in touch with the families that lost them. They have built networks with organizations of mothers and disappeared children across Latin America and Europe, including Hijos, COMADRES. CODEFAM, and COMAFAC, and won a case before the Inter-American Court of Human Rights that established that the Salvadoran military had indeed kidnapped children.
This is not to minimize the important work done by the Human Rights Center, California's Justice Department, and Physicians for Human Rights in Boston, which have collaborated with Pro Búsqueda and created a DNA database of 700 families that has confirmed, complemented, and augmented the work of Pro Búsqueda in matching stories with records of children, and facilitated disappeared children and family members meeting each other.
Discouragingly, when I was in the offices of Pro Búsqueda two years ago, one of the staff members who works to locate adoptive families of missing children told me that when they contact U.S. adoptive families with the information that their child has living family members in El Salvador who have been searching for the child since the war, only about one in three is willing to allow the child to have contact with their Salvadoran families.
In Guatemala, in contrast, the disappearances of children and their subsequent adoption was documented in the truth commission report, but their stories have been less noted than Salvador's (or Argentina's) since then. Nevertheless, since 1999, a group similar to Pro Búsequeda's, Todos por el Reencuentro of the Liga de Higiene Mental de Guatemala (no website, but offices at 12 Calle 9-35, Zona 1, Guatemala City), has documented 560 cases of children disappeared during the war, and facilitated 117 reunions.
Posted by:Laura BriggsOctober 22, 2007 11:51:22 AMRespond ^
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the strength, love and courage you brought to living (and writing) this story. There are many ways in which it is like our own story, and you have put the deep questions beautifully.
Posted by:Tesi KohlenbergOctober 22, 2007 12:04:08 PMRespond ^
With all of the children being taken from their prents for one reason or the other in the USA, why are so many option for children from foreign countries? Is it because they don't want any from here?
Posted by:Hinda GibbsOctober 22, 2007 2:24:36 PMRespond ^
Edited: With all of the children being taken from their parents for one reason or the other in the USA, why are so many opting for children from foreign countries? Is it because they don't want any from here?
Posted by:HindaOctober 22, 2007 2:27:20 PMRespond ^
Robbing the dead and dying of their gold teeth is only slightly less offensive than the sanitized slave trade you call Infant-adoption.
You dare call the buyers who fuel this trafficking in human beings 'parents,' I call them INFERTILE ADOPTERS. No one wants to be an adoptee. No one wants to be a breeder.
originscanada.org
Posted by:ankaraOctober 22, 2007 2:43:17 PMRespond ^
one point you have incorrectedly attributed: Lee Campbell did NOT coin the term "birthparent" (with or without the space). Adoptive parent Pearl S. Buck did, and it was further promoted by social worker Marietta Spencer in her "Positive Adoption Language" campaign. CUB used it naively, not realizing that it demeaned them into not being mothers at all.
Posted by:CedarOctober 22, 2007 2:54:07 PMRespond ^
Hi! Just finished reading an amazing book called "Bones That Float- Adopting Cambodia", about adopting a child from that country...Ms. Larsen, you might find that a great, thought-provoking read regarding adoption issues.(Author is Kari Grady Grossman - from Wyoming)Best wishes!
Posted by:Brigitta WieselOctober 22, 2007 2:54:47 PMRespond ^
I work often in Guatemala and I am shocked by the number of parents meeting their adopted children. Even though I don't stay in the more popular hotels for adoptive parents, several still stay where I stay. Although in the author's case the adoption was voluntary, Guatemala has a history of forced baby surrenders. When I go to the rural area, I am advised to not take my camera and especially to not take photos of children since I will be accused of being a baby-snatcher. This warning, though it may be exagerrated, demonstrates the incredible harm that illegal adoptions are causing on the psyche of the country. I thank the author for this article, but hope that more information can be provded about the effects of such large number of adoptions from one country and the likelihood that these adoptions are illegal in some way.
Posted by:ChristinaOctober 22, 2007 3:03:56 PMRespond ^
For another opinion. Our daughter is Chinese and truly had few options while being raised institutionally in China. We are fully prepared to help her and support her in her quest to find her birthfamily. We have two daughters, and they are from different provinces. We and many other families have become active on their orphanages email groups to see if there are other siblings (from photos) that have been adopted. More than 20 sets of twins have been located (adopted into different families) and the families are doing all they can to keep their twins connected through summer vacations and other visits with each other. I have two other families that believe they may have a sister to one of my girls. We shall see. It is ludicrous to believe that China would change their one child policy (really two if you have a girl first)because of our advocacy. China will change it, when it becomes a problem for China. It is a burgeoning issue as China now has 20% too many marraige-age men with no women to marry.
Families do adopt with the prayer that they can find the children's families in many places. And we chose China because they had a system to work with, albeit fluctuating, and the girls needed families, as they had been abandoned. Both Love and humanitarian issues influenced our choice.
Pat Felter
To aid the orphans left behind, many
American families have started and support new charities that send money, teachers, play areas and training (for all aspects of child rearing) to orphanages in China. Teh Chinese government has recognized some of thesse organaizations by making them part of the orphan discussion and planning for the future. ONe such is Half the Sky, another is Amity / Altrusa.
Posted by:Pat FelterOctober 22, 2007 4:47:07 PMRespond ^
For another opinion. Our daughter is Chinese and truly had few options while being raised institutionally in China. We are fully prepared to help her and support her in her quest to find her birthfamily. We have two daughters, and they are from different provinces. We and many other families have become active on their orphanages email groups to see if there are other siblings (from photos) that have been adopted. More than 20 sets of twins have been located (adopted into different families) and the families are doing all they can to keep their twins connected through summer vacations and other visits with each other. I have two other families that believe they may have a sister to one of my girls. We shall see. It is ludicrous to believe that China would change their one child policy (really two if you have a girl first)because of our advocacy. China will change it, when it becomes a problem for China. It is a burgeoning issue as China now has 20% too many marraige-age men with no women to marry.
Families do adopt with the prayer that they can find the children's families in many places. And we chose China because they had a system to work with, albeit fluctuating, and the girls needed families, as they had been abandoned. Both Love and humanitarian issues influenced our choice.
Pat Felter
To aid the orphans left behind, many
American families have started and support new charities that send money, teachers, play areas and training (for all aspects of child rearing) to orphanages in China. Teh Chinese government has recognized some of thesse organaizations by making them part of the orphan discussion and planning for the future. ONe such is Half the Sky, another is Amity / Altrusa.
And we cried for the birth mothers a lot that first year, knowing what they had to lose in order for us to gain such a familiy.
We are eternally grateful and will do everything we can to make sure our daughters find their first families.
Posted by:Pat FelterOctober 22, 2007 5:00:45 PMRespond ^
Thank you for your story.
Like you, we wondered about our daugther's biological family. We, too, adopted from Guatemala, and were able to meet our daughter's biological family in the summer of 2006. Over and over, her mother told us how happy she was to see our daugther so healthy and happy, and how happy she was that our daughter would have advantages that her daugthers in Guatemala would never have. She told her two daughters with her (10 & 12 yr old) that they were going to the city to see some old friends- she never told them our daughter was their sister. I think she looks so much like her biological mother than I don't think they could have missed it, but Dona R. said that our daughter looks just like her biological father. The girls were clearly confused, but so happy just to be there. We took them to the zoo for their first visit ever to there. We hope to make contact again the next time we're able to go, and I send letters to a friend of hers who takes the letters to Dona R. and reads them to her, since she nor her girls do not read. We hear nothing back, but I am hopeful that the letters get to her.
I agree that poverty shouldn't be the reason for adoption, but the truth is, it often is. Poverty in the US often means they don't have a nice home- in Guatemala, it more often means a shack-if lucky- and not enough to eat. Our daughter's Guatemalan family's story is heartbreaking.
I believe that if you want to slow down adoptions, then you need to stop the root causes- abject poverty, lack of access to birth control, lack of power over their own bodies, NO social services or safety nets, and few opportunities for women. Fix these, and you "fix" the situations when so many women lose their children through adoption.
Then, of course, the US Embassy needs to ban, once and for all, any attorney (and all in that attorney's office) who participate in unethical and/or illegal practices in relation to adoption. Our Embassy has never done that, they ban someone for a couple of months, and then let them come back, so it amounts to a slap on the wrist. There is much to be cleaned up.
I wish that our daughter could have been rasied by her biological family, but knowing what I do about them, and from what her mother has told us, we know that she has the opportunity here to go to her full potential, something Guatemala would never have allowed to happen. It is not my "right" to say that her mother "should" have relinquished, but since she did, we are ever grateful for her sacrifice.
Having grown up with 3 cousins who were all domestically adopted, I can say that I've seen the positive side of adoption since I was very small.
The painful side- that of the biological family, I didn't see until more recently, when I learned that yet another cousin was a "birthmother." She registered and was able to meet her daughter when the daughter turned 18 and I believe it has been a good relationship. I've got 2 other friends who are birthmothers, and both of them have been very well adjusted-they both said that they made the decision to relinquish, that they were not emotionally ready to parent, and that they believe they gave their children the gift of a family who was ready to parent. They're able to know about their child, and one reguarly sees their child. Poverty did not play in their adoptions, just readiness.
In our daughter's case, poverty was the main factor. It is true, we could have sent money to sponsor her, but, honestly, we did not adopt to "save" a child- we adopted because we wanted to parent. When people "bless us" for adopting, we're very prompt to say that our daughter has blessed us much more than we can ever bless her.
Kathi Thomas
Posted by:Kathi ThomasOctober 22, 2007 6:43:05 PMRespond ^
Dear Hinda,
Have you adopted a child from the foster care system? If not, than you shouldn't be criticizing other people who have made the same choice. Don't be a hypocrite. Parenting always involves some degree of selfishness no matter how you do it.
What about people who conceive children? Do you ask them why they chose to conceive instead of adopting a child in the foster care system? People conceive children for purely selfish reasons. The world has a population crisis and we are destroying the planet with our numbers. Why conceive a child and add to the problem when you can adopt or foster a child that's already here?
Posted by:LBEOctober 22, 2007 7:01:33 PMRespond ^
Thank you so much for this moving article. I too am a parent of a child from Guatemala and I struggle with the same questions and concerns you've written about. Thank you for writing about them so honestly and openly.
Posted by:AnneOctober 22, 2007 7:20:05 PMRespond ^
Dear Ankara,
You're right that nobody wants to be an adoptee. However, adoptive parents are only part of the issue. To solve a social problem you must look at the root cause and start there. Almost every adoption starts with an unplanned pregnancy. The best type of adoption reform is birth control, education of sexual responsibility, and women's rights so that the unplanned pregnancy can be prevented in the first place. In most cases in the USA of infant adoption, it is the birthparent's decision to have sex outside of marriage and the bad job our culture does in teaching sexual responsibility. In poor countries these are issues too, but a woman's lack of control over her life is a big factor. The adoption industry does have ethical problems that need reform, but an even bigger cause of children unable to live with their birthparents is a society that encourages people to conceive children they cannot take care of. This "encouragement" takes the form of the lack of acceptance of birth control and lack of women's rights. There are other factors of course, but these are big issues. Have you read the article "Dan Quayle was Right"? If not, you should read it. Dan Quayle definitely was right; a child raised by a stressed out single mom who had an unplanned pregnancy can have serious and permanant problems. Adult adoptees in the USA who were placed for adoption as infants to a married couple should not assume that life would have been better if they had not been adopted.
Posted by:LBEOctober 22, 2007 7:24:34 PMRespond ^
Ms. Larsen, I commend you for the rigor with which you examine this difficult issue. So often we only focus on the benefits to the child in becoming an American. Your article reminds us that there is another side to this story. Thank You
Posted by:Mark, Park CityOctober 22, 2007 7:44:19 PMRespond ^
Very powerful article. God bless this woman for going above the call. Thank you from the heart of an adoptee. You really get it.
Posted by:AmyadopteeOctober 22, 2007 8:27:46 PMRespond ^
Great. More unsolicited advice about what we adult adoptees should or should not think. I do know this. A social worker placed me into a severely dysfunctional home. My adoptive father has narcissistic personality disorder. My adoptive mother was histrionic and controlling. I became their emotional caretakers. Many of us adoptees were placed in dysfunctional homes. And before anyone starts going on about dysfunction in biological families, remember, being intentionally placed is different that simply being born into a family. I've met my first mother. I suspect I would have been better off with her, but certainly no worse. Not all adoptive parents are lovely, empathetic people who act in the best interests of the child.
Then there is the whole other separate issue of closed adoption and the impact it has on the adoptee.
The article, by the way, was refreshingly honest and moving.
Posted by:Nina De La FuenteOctober 22, 2007 9:00:21 PMRespond ^
I wish there had been some mention, some mention of what adoption does to adoptees, I was also a must be female adoptee. That always turns my stomach. People really need a girl child THAT much, two boys are not adequate? Can't you just get a doll? Or dress up a niece?
Posted by:joyjoyOctober 22, 2007 10:45:45 PMRespond ^
Thank you, Elizabeth Larson, for finding Flora Beatriz' mother. You will not regret it.
Posted by:Jeanene HeadleeOctober 22, 2007 11:21:19 PMRespond ^
Adult adoptees in the USA who were placed for adoption as infants to a married couple should not assume that life would have been better if they had not been adopted.
How could you possibly know what it feels like to be an adult adoptee??? Unless of course you are one?
Go to
www.adultadoptees.org
and find out
Posted by:Peter DanaOctober 23, 2007 12:25:19 AMRespond ^
Dear Peter,
I know it is painful to be an adoptee. That is why I am a passionate advocate of preventing anyone from even considering placing a child for adoption. The best way to do that is to promote funding and cultural acceptance of birth control and sexual responsibility. An adoptee's difficulties don't start with an adoption; they start long before that. The root of the problem is an unplanned out-of-wedlock pregnancy. Married couples with a planned pregnancy rarely need to even think about placing a child for adoption. If you want to prevent adoption, I suggest you concentrate on this issue. I am a volunteer and long-time financial supporter for Population Connection. I suggest you check it out at www.populationconnection.org
Posted by:LBEOctober 23, 2007 5:15:56 AMRespond ^
Thank you so much for putting into words the turmoil in my heart. Thank you for your courage. I too am a mother of two guatemalan born children. I would love information on how to contact Susi myself.
Posted by:Loriann MoroOctober 23, 2007 6:26:09 AMRespond ^
LBE,
What about the adoptive couples who go on to divorce?
A typical stereotype you are perpetuating is that a birthmom is an unwed uneducated woman. A lot of married woman place babies in adoption, although not as many as single moms. Marriage is not a big factor in placing children in adoption as you have played it up.
Each adoption is so unique and different. Adoption has changed, but society's view on it has stayed the same, making it very difficult to make major progress.
I appreciate this article as a birthmom and as a mom.
Posted by:NJMOctober 23, 2007 6:49:41 AMRespond ^
Thank you for writing this. I have recently started searching for my child's birth parents as well. It was a relief to read your article and know that my emotions are not irrational.
Posted by:LaurieOctober 23, 2007 6:52:18 AMRespond ^
why do you feel you have the right to speak for those mothers who have been robbed of their human rights, their motherhood? Your arrogance is a reflection of your ignorance. And don't speak for their children either. You grave robbers all make me sick to my very soul.
Posted by:adopteeOctober 23, 2007 7:47:12 AMRespond ^
G-d bless you all.
Posted by:AnonymousOctober 23, 2007 8:13:55 AMRespond ^
Hands down, the best article ever written about adoption. It is easy to forget that adoption is about loss-for the child, the birthmother and in some cases the parent.
I wish all parents who adopted children internationally would read this article.
Thank you
deb capone
www.bullyeraser.blogspot.com
Posted by:Deb CaponeOctober 23, 2007 9:08:06 AMRespond ^
Many people adopting from Ethiopia do meet first parents, often in meetings arranged by the agencies. And they facilitate the exchange of letters. I understand the theory behind waiting for the adoptee to be old enough to decide about birth family contact, but the combination of poverty and health issues in Ethiopia means that early contact may be the only contact. I'm certain my kids won't regret the contacts I've made with their first families. We may lose track of the families otherwise. With one of our adoptions, our agency even provided a video lifebook that includes footage of the first family and their home.
I went into adoption, naively, as a "preferential" adopter. My husband and I could get pregnant but decided instead to adopt children who needed homes. I read about the orphan crisis in Ethiopia and the seemingly ethical process, and it seemed perfect. We have two wonderful boys from Ethiopia.
But now I know it's not all so simple. So many babies, especially baby girls, are being adopted from there that I'm certain there's some coercion or bribing or lying going on. I'm also certain that many children being placed are not orphans at all, but have one or sometimes TWO living and healthy birth parents. Often the problem is a lost job. A few hundred dollars is really what these families need, not to relinquish a child.
My children have suffered terrible tragedies, and it's wrenching as a parent to realize I may have been the cause. Especially since we adopted older boys because it seemed they were really languishing as the mad dash for girls, especially young girls, raged on.
Adoption really does suck. Not always, and not for everyone, but often. And apparently it's not making a dent in Ethiopia's orphan crisis. Real kids are suffering while other kids from intact, healthy but poor families are placed with American and European families. It's an epic tragedy that I hope our kids can forgive us for someday.
Posted by:adoptive parentOctober 23, 2007 10:28:30 AMRespond ^
I do not agree with all of this article. I do believe that their is alot of coruption in Guatemala that needs to be worked on in the adoption community before more adoptions take place. However, I am highly offended that the author refers to adoption as a selfish act. She was definitely selfish having 2 biological sons and then just HAD to HAVE a girl. In my opinion, this was one of the biggest selfish reasons for adoption. I did not have any children and was never told that I could not become pregnant but had always wanted to adopt. Therefore, my husband and I both decided to adopt before biological children. I know from a personal experience that all mothers are not coerced into giving their children up for adoption. It can be a choice for the birth mother, therefore, these mothers only pray for a person who cares and wants to give their child a safe and loving place to grow up. I am not ignorant to the fact that all adoptions are legitimate but many are and the babies are not given to "SELFISH" parents such as the author of this article. I have a little girl from Guatemala and would love to adopt from Guatemala again one day. I do not regret my adoption and believe that she was given away at her birth mothers desire. It is sad that the author's daughter will one day read this article the and the one person she thought she could count on changed her mind about adopting her and wanted to give her back (no matter the reason....you did say you wanted to give her back!!). Very sad! It is also sad that you accuse other adoptee parents as being selfish by not seeking an open adoption in a third world country. Seriously, the feasability of that is absurd. However, if we as human-beings turn our back to international adoption, many (not all) of these children will go into institutions in these third world countries (by the way, did the author visit any of these orphanages while in Guatemala....maybe she needs to). I could go on and on about the points placed in this article and rebute many of them with altering views and other cases that are the opposite. It's just a shame that this author casted such a view point without any altering views of birth mother's who are happy about the decision. My final point is that I love my daughter and will NEVER regret her adoption.
Posted by:AngOctober 23, 2007 12:14:32 PMRespond ^
Listen Adopter,
After you give away one of your own-born sons or daughter, you might have some notion of how absurd and ignorant you are for depriving a child of her own mother and her mother from her. Next time, get yourself a real orphan and keep his or her identity intact.
Posted by:AdopteeOctober 23, 2007 1:48:29 PMRespond ^
Ang
I highly agree with your comments. The above article is way too one sided.
Posted by:MelOctober 23, 2007 1:50:27 PMRespond ^
There are only 2 justifiable reasons for the "taking" of any child from a birth mother.
1. If the birth mother has abused the child.
2. Or if there is absolute provable evidence that the birth mother does not want the child.
Those in the USA who want to "adopt" should adopt the birth mother with the baby. Taking a baby away from its mother is not an act of benevolence. Sometimes it is an act of selfishness.
Posted by:rosemarie jackowskiOctober 23, 2007 1:54:49 PMRespond ^
Dear NJM,
It is true that adoptive parents can divorce. I am aware of that fact. However, adoptive parents are actually less likely to divorce after becoming parents than couples with bio children. This is not a reason to place a child for adoption; I am only stating a fact. I never said "birthparents are uneducated". I actually said that education about birth control and sexual responsibility can help decrease the number of children placed for adoption; this is definitely not the same as saying "birthparents are uneducated". I am well aware that there are many married couples who place children for adoption, but as you know it is a small percent and this is why I said "most" and not "all" birthparents are unmarried.
Posted by:LBEOctober 23, 2007 2:02:42 PMRespond ^
Great reading. I think is a fantastic honest account of your experiences and emotions. I felt deeply moved when I read this.
Why do people viciously criticise people who write honest accounts of their experiences and feelings?
Posted by:Jen CollinsOctober 23, 2007 3:04:23 PMRespond ^
I mostly agree with Ang and Mel above. I'm pretty stunned that adoptive parents would talk about "giving their child BACK", and instead of heading to counseling for the sake of their child, they went to Guatemala! And why the author didn't feel fully like a "real mother" until she hugged the birth mother is beyond me. I think that's just romanticism. Did her husband not feel like a "real father" until he hugged the birth dad? If this was just the author's personal account of her own feelings, I'd be fine with all of this - but I think she's making some unfair implications about other adoptive parents, and adoption in general.
Also, what's with the snarky sidebars? "Candidate for sainthood?", "she and Brad Pitt were just deflecting attention from breaking Jennifer Aniston's heart", "banned parents who are worth less than $80,000". Some admirable journalism, that.
Posted by:GenX parentOctober 23, 2007 3:47:48 PMRespond ^
I have some questions. This first question is for birthmothers and adoptees. Do you blame part of your pain on the birthfather? Besides the adoption business and adoptive parents, is there anyone else that you blame for your pain?
Posted by:JayOctober 23, 2007 4:13:35 PMRespond ^
Adoptee, did you NOT see the comment about personal experience. Read between the lines!!!!
Posted by:AngOctober 23, 2007 4:22:50 PMRespond ^
as an adoptee i have never once felt like my true identity had been stolen because i was adopted. i think identity is who you become. between birth and 5 years old i dont believe i thought about my identity. i thought about barbies and shiny toys. but as i grew up my identity came into play. since i was adopted into a hearty Italian family i learned about what it means to be italian, and how important culture is. and let me honest, my mother and father never once told me i was not allowed to practice the culture of my birthparents. it has always been an open issue in my family, my adoption. it was my choice to follow in the path of my adoptive parents culture. i have never been swayed one way or the other by any means. Family is family.
its not as if my birthmother didnt want me, it was that she was unable to care for me the way she wanted to. I dont agree with the idea that there are only 2 reasons for adopting. i dont think mothers ever want to really give their children away, but those who do...do it because the want the best for the child and know they are unable to do so at the moment. it is out of love and being true to yourself and your child. i have a letter/questionaire my birthmother completed about her and her reasons for giving me up. Neither reasons included that she absolutely didnt want me, nor did it imply that she was abusive or would have been.
rather, she was 15.
she wanted to finish school. pick up sophmore year since she had to drop out to give me life. and she expressed that she loved me and im sure it was hard (through the story my mom told me of the day my birthmother handed me over to my new family). she had dreams and goals, and really couldnt do it raising a child alone. its hard enough doing it married with a child.
adoptive parents arent selfish. if you put it into realistic terms. sometimes they are taking responsibility for others mistakes. i was a mistake. but a lucky one.
my parents are a perfect example of how un-selfish adoptive parents are and how important adopting is.
i have been able to request a meeting with my birthmother since i was eighteen. and i havent. it doesnt mean that i dont ever want to meet them. its just not a huge gap in my life that need to be filled. but think on this, my birth parents never came looking for me either. my family is who raised me. my identity is who i became through growth, maturity, and knowledge. it has nothing to do with where my pedigree puts me. hell, im not a dog. lol.
but really if all people thought that adopting was a selfish thing to do, less parents would be adopting.
less children get put into good homes with families who accept them for their differences, because they're family.
and more children go through the horrid foster care shuffle.
so who is really wrong here?
those who are willing to take care of a child who deserves a better life
or those who judge parents who adopt?
and if every one thought to only adopt orphans, where would i be?
Posted by:adopted at birthOctober 23, 2007 7:16:23 PMRespond ^
Someday the author's daughter will read this article and think her mother - the person who raised her - is nuts! She'll say - I love you mom. You were the one who took care of me, who nurtured me who fed and clothed me and taught me right from wrong. I think its wonderful she can have a relationship with her birthmother Beatrice but there will be no doubt where the kid was brought and and who did the brining up. Which makes me think that comments like the one below - that suggest that Elizabeth and Walter shouldnt have completed the adoption but should instead have financed the kid to stay with her mother are bizarre:
When I later told this to an adoptee-rights advocate, she said the agency should have pursued a discussion that might have dissuaded us from transnational adoption, or led us to a program through which we could sponsor a child to remain with her family. But the truth is I don't think I would have listened—so absorbed was I in the force of my own wanting.
Posted by:JohnOctober 23, 2007 8:09:05 PMRespond ^
I was previously in favor of adoption because of the many social ills it helps ease. But I've been swayed by the well-reasoned positions of the comments of readers above who argued against baby breeding. And they made me start thinking and I realized that I have a modest proposal of my own. It is indeed wrong that anyone adopt a child from any country under any circumstances whatsoever. We have no right to deny those kids who have been abandonned by their birthmothers the opportunity to sniff glue and join street gangs and generally participate in their cultural heritage. Some people will argue that it won't work to leave these kids alone on the streets to fend for themselves. But I disagree! Its worked for thousands of years. And given the general poverty in Guatemala it would be a shame not to take advanteage of these kids by putting them to work immediately. The state may lack funds to care for them, but by two or three they should be able to work in a factory, maybe making garments for Kathy Lee Gifford's latest line or some Nike footwear. That way everyone would benefit. Americans would get lowcost and stylish apparel and Guatemala would get to prepare its people for the future.
Posted by:BillOctober 23, 2007 8:26:50 PMRespond ^
I only read one lin to ralize[llkjlfjlsjljfyouy are ar stupid pig..idot american have a nice day dumb [deleted]
Posted by:fdalan earthOctober 23, 2007 8:44:09 PMRespond ^
To adopted at birth, thank you for your amazing story. I needed to read that after reading other people's criticisms. I pray my son will grow to be as grounded as you are in his adoption and story.
To fdalan earth, um... I think Bill was being sarcastic.
Posted by:adoptive parentOctober 23, 2007 9:14:37 PMRespond ^
thank you very much for your openness and effort. I have been discussing internetional adoption with a dutch-korean member of United Adoptees International. For me your article stresses the rights questions and shows there is no (simple) answer to thoise questions.
I am other of two Chinese daughters and a writer too. I have been reading stories from Chinese mothers and discussing a way to connect parantes from China and adoptive parents and their children with a Chinese journalist and activist. We havn't found a good way yet. But your story gives some ideas.
Posted by:Nies MedemaOctober 24, 2007 2:27:28 AMRespond ^
Finally, someone who can think honestly and fearlessly about the complicated ethics of adoption. Why do we believe that America is so superior that importing a child trumps any losses the first family suffers? On the domestic front, why do we believe that those who have a wedding band and can pay for a child are so much more deserving than the original families?
I'm a successful American woman who is also a birthparent. I relinquished my child thanks to coercion from the big-bucks adoption industry, which needs suppliers like me to meet the demand. I bought into the sales pitch that a two-parent home was so much better than what I could offer. My child's life is not better than it would have been with me - just different. And we are both living with unnecessary loss.
Please publish more articles like this one. There are so many ethical questions in adoption, both foreign and domestic, that need this kind of frank discussion.
Posted by:Heather LoweOctober 24, 2007 4:09:06 AMRespond ^
Heather,
You're wrong about single parenthood in the USA. ALL the studies I have seen comparing the life of a child with a single parent and a married couple show that children in single parent homes do worse. Sorry, but the articles I have are not available on-line. If you want me to send them to you by snail mail, I would be happy to do so. Please post your e-mail address if you are interested and we can discuss it privately. Bringing a child into the world without the benefit of marriage is a human rights violation. Single parenthood is NOT "just another lifestyle choice"; it is a problem for the children and it is a selfish thing for the parents to do. Marriage is central to child-rearing; to a child it is like air and water, it is not optional. What about your role in the adoption? Do you just put all the blame on everyone else? Unless you were raped, I think you played a significant role by choosing to have sex outside of marriage. I realize it is easier to put the blame on others, and perhaps you are in denial about your choices.
Posted by:JayOctober 24, 2007 5:09:51 AMRespond ^
LOL Bill!!
Posted by:GenX parentOctober 24, 2007 5:45:16 AMRespond ^
I really wish that adoptees and adopters can one day come to respect each other and combined their energies to end IA and help children stay where they belong.
I adopted from China and not because I was "infertile" or trying to "save" a child. I wanted to expand my family and was always interested in adopting. Naive and always assuming that the many stories agencies tell clients is true. I bought into the bullcrap I was told and adopted. I added to the demand from China, which adds to the need for trafficking, baby buying and corruption.
I didn’t understand it then, but I do now and I am doing everything I can to help end this very ill process. Baby exporting should not be happening to fill a demand, however demonizing rather than educating adoptive parents will never help this huge problem. People make mistakes and are misguided all too often. By combining resources between adult adoptees and adoptive parents, pressure can be placed on the corrupt agencies, the sending countries as well as the receiving countries without the hostility.
China is just as corrupt as the other programs; it has just perfected hiding its corruption.
We too feel like a victim of a sick system. It is a heavy burden to carry knowing that your money contributed to a child losing their family.
I think the answer is for everyone to collectively come together and work to end IA.
Posted by:anotherchinaadopterOctober 24, 2007 6:06:08 AMRespond ^
Jay,
Are you a birthfather?
I have no anger towards my child's birthfather. I made the conscious decision to involve myself with him in a serious relationship. Although, a lot of teens involve themselves in nonsense relationships, with boys (or girls) who aren't 'right' for them. The only difference with my situation was I got pregnant. Again I have no anger towards the birthfather regarding the adoption. I made all the decisions. I am involved in my child's life to the extent his parents and I have chosen. The birthfather is what he is and he also has no relationship, no contact and has never even seen his child. His choice not mine. Am I angry, heavens no. I don't have to share any time I have with him... Selfish yes, but after everything that has gone down, I am grateful for that. I do not deny his importance in my child's life. I have kept anything I can of him regarding correspondence, pictures and his whereabouts, to pass on to my child when age is appropriate. A lot of birthmom's I have worked with are angry with birthfathers b/c the birthfather can walk away from the situation, a birthmom can not. They face pregnancy, delivery and the pain of loosing a parental relationship with their child. A birthfather can walk away unscathed, not saying they all do, but they can. Also birthfathers typically chose to not involve themselves in the pregnancy or any decision making surrounding the child. Unless it was a rape, it takes to to make a baby and if a man is willing to lay down and make that baby, he should be willing to lay down and make some decisions with the pregnant mom as well.
Posted by:BirthmomOctober 24, 2007 9:02:36 AMRespond ^
Some inconvenient questions:
In America you can look in the newspaper and find someone to pay $20,000 to have your baby. Why isn/t that illegal? Why is it ok to pay white birthmothers in the U.S. huge amounts of money and wrong to pay woman in Guatemala $500?
In the U.S. anyone who was discovered to have "sold" their baby for money would probably have that baby taken away from them and no one would feel any remorse. We would think they don't deserve any rights as parents. If parents are indeed selling kids in Guatemala why would we feel differently?
In China the government bars parents from having more than one kid. Basically you are forced to give up the child. And the government keeps the $20,000 adoptive parents pay and the children get nothing. The kids are strapped to chairs twenty to a room in orphanages. Is that a better system than Guatemala, where by most admissions the kids are well fed and taken care of?
Posted by:AdopterOctober 24, 2007 10:21:44 AMRespond ^
After rading all these posts, I am amazed that so many are negative. Just look into the eyes of your adopted children. The love they feel for us and the love I feel for them is inexplicable, overwhelming. I swear, I often forget that they are adopted and feel like they came from my own tummy. If you believe in God, then it is easy to believe that God placed us together. It is what it is and I thank God for my girls.
Posted by:adoptive parent- chinaOctober 24, 2007 10:38:36 AMRespond ^
I’m an adoptive mother, and like many of us, I’m not infertile, I was not desperate to get a baby, and I don’t think I’m saving the world by adopting children. Yes, I wanted to raise children, and I wanted to take care of a child in need of a home rather than make a new child. In my home state, the foster care social worker told us that we couldn’t get a child under ten years old, because they would not give us a child outside our race. So we went overseas. We are in touch with all our children’s birth families, all of them have two living parents. Our siblings from Africa were older adoptees, and when we first came home and had a translator tell them that we would take them back to visit their family some day, both kids begged never to be taken back there, even for a visit. Now that they speak English, they merely tell us that their father was mean to them and their mother ignored them, they don’t care to go there ever. I’ve kept in touch with my Asian children’s mother as well. When she got pregnant again, I sent money so that she could keep her child. I set her up in a business. She had more children but each time the father left. A year ago she sent word that she’d like me to adopt two more of her children, she only wants to keep the new baby. I have no money to adopt any more children, so I agonize about those kids, and send what money I can, but I just found out that one of the children died. I wish I was as certain as a lot of people seem to be that there is one easy, obvious, morally correct answer to all this.
Posted by:CarrieOctober 24, 2007 12:43:04 PMRespond ^
Bravo...I want to thank the author for writing this heartfelt and obviously soul-searched article. As the adoptive mother of one child from the US and two from across the globe, I can't believe some of the critical responses that have been submitted. (Some people really have some pent up anger issues...whew!) This is not an easy issue from any perspective and I'd like to commend the author for sharing her views and experience. I would very much like for my children to feel/know that they were adopted because of (and despite) love from BOTH of their sets of parents. I also hope that I can give them the courage to make the right decisions for themselves if they want to have a relationship with their birthparents one day.
Posted by:adoptive motherOctober 24, 2007 1:48:25 PMRespond ^
I appreciate the honesty of this article, although I cannot say I agree with every single line of it. My husband and I adopted a daughter from China, not from any high minded thoughts of "saving" her, but because we wanted a child and China has a pretty straightforward process in place. We did research foster care and domestic adoption in the US beforehand but there was no contest. It took some time for me to realize just how much we took from our little girl by bringing her to the US. In reality, if we hadn't adopted her she would have simply been placed with another family and she still would not have remained with her birth family. She was found abandoned and classified as an orphan by the Chinese government. I used to be glad that I didn't have to ever worry about birth parents appearing, but now I wish that I could give my daughter something, any piece of information about them. Considering the rural environment she came from it is highly unlikely that we could ever find them. Every day I look in her eyes and wonder about the two people whose DNA she carries, and I wonder if they ever think about her. I no longer look at adoption as a happily ever after fairy tale although I'm very glad we did it and would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
Posted by:KimOctober 24, 2007 6:09:13 PMRespond ^
Dear Birthmom and Dear Kim,
To "Birthmom"- thank you very much for your post. It was nice to hear; you sound like you have handled a difficult situation in a very mature and positive way. I am not a birthfather; I am an adoptive father.
Kim- after reading your post I sense that you feel it is somehow your fault that your child does not know her genetic roots. You shouldn't feel this way. She was abandoned because of policies of the Chinese government and not because she was adopted.
Posted by:JayOctober 24, 2007 6:37:03 PMRespond ^
I can't believe the inaccuracies in this piece. First, adoption is MORE open now than it has ever been. Children from other countries do NOT get a birth certificate with the names of adopting parents today, they don't even get a new birth certificate, only a certificate of adoption. "Birth parent" even a slightly controversial term in my part of the country. It is not a special responsibility of celebrities to use their status to educate the rest of us about the reasons for orphaned children worldwide. Adoptions around the world differ greatly, and Guatemala is not representative of any other country. Although one part was right, adoptions as we know them in America didn't exist hundreds of years ago in other countries. What did they do instead with unwanted babies? Female infanticide, in China, the Mideast, Polynesia, in fact nearly everywhere. Is that better than adoption by foreigners? This piece acts as if adopting a child from another country is "stealing" their "human resources" like ExxonMobil steals oil by paying nearly no royalties to other countries. If int'l adoption is such a horrible thing, why is Mrs. Larsen not spending the same time and effort to write this article instead lobbying the government of Guatemala to provide more post-natal care for young mothers or make it easier for Guatemalans (or Russians, or Chinese, or Liberians, or Ethiopians) to adopt their OWN children in country? I'm sure adoption workers in Guatemala would prefer that to outlawing it or shaming people into not adopting because they do it to help kids, not to get rich off some kind of black market baby ring. Birth parents can choose the race of their children, many will partner only with a father of the same race and nobody judges them. They can choose the time and place of their child's birth, but as soon as someone wants to have any say in who/when/how they adopt they're some kind of elitist. When you adopt you must choose the country early in the process, which often determines the child's race and in some cases the gender. I'm not even sure what "Every day, parents look into the face of their child and they see a different race and a different ethnicity. And yet, they compartmentalize that truth and deem it unimportant" means. Are mixed race families horrible for going outside their race? Or are they supposed to treat dark skinned children like they are mentally disabled or something? I don't understand what this "truth" is supposed to compell us to do differently when a child is a different race. It just sounds like like Larsen, Campbell, and Greiner are feeling angry or guilty and are taking it out on people who want to adopt, coloring every phrase as if it's a criminal act and making it sound like one person's opinion or one event means orphans who get adopted are treated like abused stolen property, but I don't see Larsen giving up her child now. Maybe she just thinks nobody can be as good of a parent as she is. You got your daughter, Larsen, congralations, but don't try to pull up the ladder behind you. I can't believe the intolerance of and judgment passed on such a beneficial and wonderful cultural institution. It makes me ashamed to hear it coming from a liberal publication.
Posted by:ZackOctober 24, 2007 7:40:52 PMRespond ^
We forget that adoptive parents are not responsible for the situation that these kids find themselves in. My kids are both adopted from Russia. To have someone claim that I stole them is ridiculous. They were in an orphanage where they are doomed to a life of want and neglect. The average life expectancy of a child in an institution in Russia is 29! Adoptive parents are not the problem. These are the people that have opened their hearts and homes to these children and whether it was because they wanted a daughter or a son...they are caring for a child and giving a child that they did not give birth to, an opportunity to grow in a family and be loved and successful in the world.
Posted by:Adoptive ParentOctober 24, 2007 7:52:12 PMRespond ^
a beautiful and ground breaking article. as the mother of a daughter adopted from china - i long to meet my daughter's birth mother. i am convinced that knowing the reality is desirable and trumps the endless absence of understanding that an adopted child contends with.
Posted by:elizabethOctober 24, 2007 9:22:18 PMRespond ^
Excellent article! Thank you so much for writing what needs to be written.
Posted by:Barbara H.October 25, 2007 7:32:19 AMRespond ^
ha ha
Posted by:bobOctober 25, 2007 7:39:46 AMRespond ^
Dr. Laura Briggs, thank you for the clarification and important information. Your work continues to educate, challenge, and inspire. - Sun Yung Shin, co-editor of Outsiders Within: Writing on Transracial Adoption (South End Press 2006)
Posted by:Sun Yung ShinOctober 25, 2007 7:48:19 AMRespond ^
To respond, poverty in the U.S. is invisible to many in the middle class. Though you may not see "favelas," children in poverty in the U.S. are often living in dangerous conditions and chemically toxic environments, are often mal- and undernourished, medically unattended, etc. Their endangerment is not necessarily because of so-called neglectful parents, but because of the legacy of institutionalized oppression against families of color, the working class, the poor, children of immigrant parents, immigrant children, etc.
Posted by:Sun Yung ShinOctober 25, 2007 7:52:48 AMRespond ^
My sincere question to our global community of social justice activists is this: how is adopting another woman's child mitigating the situation that creates a "lack of power over their own bodies,"?
Posted by:Sun Yung ShinOctober 25, 2007 7:54:43 AMRespond ^
Tell it, Nina.
Posted by:Sun Yung ShinOctober 25, 2007 7:55:59 AMRespond ^
While we cannot know, I strongly predict that the daughter will not think her adoptive mother is nuts, but will applaud her for thinking deeply.
Posted by:Sun Yung ShinOctober 25, 2007 8:01:35 AMRespond ^
I totally agree with Carrie's post on Oct. 24th
Posted by:ADOPTEROctober 25, 2007 8:15:15 AMRespond ^
Maybe I am the exception to the rule. I was adopted as an infant and I have no "pain" or angst over the adoption. I respect my biological (or natural whatever the pc term is) mother for making a hard decision, but other than that don't have any big gaping adoption hole that can only be filled with my biological mother. I quite honestly am puzzled by the reaction of some adult adoptees. I know many other adult adoptees who feel the same as I. No lingering issues or angst about the process. Hopefully my daughter (adopted at one year old) will feel the same.
Posted by:DanaOctober 25, 2007 8:30:48 AMRespond ^
Dear Mrs. Larsen,
My compliments for your piece. I guess this was not always easy to write down.But we need more 'open' minded adoption mothers in the world who understand that we should look at the mothers who feel 'pressed' to relinquish children eventhough they love their kids so much.
We should never forget that fo each adoptee their is another life touching story behind it of mothers and fathers around the world.
I distributed your article to adoptees world wide and the first responses are very positive.
I hope we can get in touch somehow.
With kind regards,
United Adoptees International
uai.hwestra@gmail.com
Posted by:Hilbrand W.S. WestraOctober 25, 2007 9:23:28 AMRespond ^
Hey adopter... You do know that mothers don't get money for their children. Its the agency and the attorneys that get the money.
Posted by:AmyadopteeOctober 25, 2007 9:42:40 AMRespond ^
I am so glad that all of you have so much concern and compassion for the children/birth families from other countries. However, what about our children right here that are being abused and forgotten? I am the proud adoptive parent of four children from foster care. The abuse and neglect that my children faced at the hands of their birth families is unimaginable. Most of you will never experience such trauma, loss, and pain. Most of you would not even be able to listen to the story of abuse that my children went through. Most of you WILL NOT listen to the story of abuse my children endured. Why? Because it is so awful that you just can't stand to hear about it. So, ask me why I chose to adopt my children? I will tell you it is because NO ONE else would. It is easy to judge those who are willing to accept responsibilities that we would never even consider taking on. Ankara, my children were and are very glad to have been adopted. You can not speak for adoptees as a whole. I feel very blessed to have such wonderful kids. They are my life and I will do anything in the world to make them happy. That is WAY more than I can say about their birth families. All that being said, I have kept what little info I have on their birth families. Even when they have asked me to get rid of things from their birth families, I have not. One day they may want those things. I know that I can not take the place of my children's birth mothers. However, there is much more to being a mother than just giving birth. I just wanted to give a different perspective on this topic. Also, I am a single parent. My children have done very well in my home. I think it is a shame to make generalizations about single parents. I am working on my masters and have done a lot more for my children than their two parent foster and birth families ever did. I believe that God has given each of us different gifts and purposes for existing. Who are we to judge others?
Posted by:KHOctober 25, 2007 10:13:13 AMRespond ^
"God brought us to each other," they'll say. "We were meant to be a family." I understand why we want to think that, but the reality is, Flora is my child because something went wrong. To believe otherwise would mean that God intended for Beatriz to suffer because she couldn't afford to raise her child, that we were meant to have the option of adding a girl to our family because we could afford the price.
None of us knows why Beatriz was born in Guatemala and got pregnant with a girl at that particular time and ended up with that particular lawyer that you happened to end up with, but I believe that God uses our circumstances to make things happen that turn out for our good. And maybe these circumstances drew Beatriz closer to God and will allow her to contribute something later on through the education you are helping to provide for her. Life doesn't come without suffering and we don't have the power to avoid that. Will Flora suffer because she was adopted? Yes. What you are offering her is the opportunity to have more choices than her mother had and to have access to all the voices involved in her adoption so that she can make an informed decision about how to view that suffering.
Posted by:MicheleOctober 25, 2007 11:38:59 AMRespond ^
To anotherchinaadopter - I hope you do not treat your daughter with the disrespect that you show her country of birth.
Posted by:motherofchinesedaughterOctober 25, 2007 1:39:46 PMRespond ^
To Amyadoptee -- It seems mothers are either "histrionic and controlling" or cold and uncaring. Can we ever succeed?
Posted by:New MomOctober 25, 2007 3:33:09 PMRespond ^
Ang,
Why exactly did you 'always wanted to adopt', even though you had no known infertility problem? You seem to think that makes you somehow a loftier and holier person, but the truth is that your desire to adopt children before having biological children is just as selfish as wanting to have a girl after two biological boys, as the author did. Further, I would challenge you to come up with a reason for having ANY child, biological or adoptive, that would be 100% devoid of selfishness. THERE IS NONE. Once you have a child, however, it is possible to love him or her unconditionally, that is a whole another matter. You love your daughter, but do not realize that her biological mother had loved her too. Even though you have visited Guatemalan orphanages, you have no data at all whether your daughters birth mother has relinquished her voluntarily and without pressure. Yet, you have constructed many beliefs that it has been easy for her, and seem very comfortable wrapped up in them. Nice to see yourself as a do-gooder, isn't it?
Posted by:ivana_krumiOctober 25, 2007 10:34:48 PMRespond ^
Jay,
It may be a news flash to you but adoptees, just like children from single parent families, also carry a disproportionate burden of problems. Adoptees are over-represented in the prison system and psychiatric wards. And the fact that even the well-adjusted ones have major identity issues and a lot of pent-up anger over their lives and the system should really give you a pause. Your insinuation that Heather wasn't a fit parent to begin with just by virtue of being a single woman is, at best, based on incomplete information, and at worst downright insulting. Why don't you put yourself into her shoes instead and try to imagine what it's like to live under such unbelievable pressure as sshe had described.
Posted by:ivana_krumiOctober 25, 2007 10:48:44 PMRespond ^
Elizabeth: Your article saddened and angered me. Please read my lengthy response posted on http://guatemala.adoptionblogs.com/
Posted by:LisaOctober 25, 2007 10:54:24 PMRespond ^
Dana, it is very good that you don't feel emotional pain over having been adopted. I would venture to guess that it has something to do with the way you were raised. The adoption system, as it is setup right now, feeds the narcissistic family dynamic. Narcissistic family dynamics develops when parents, instead of providing developmentaly necessary nurturing for the emotional needs of the child, use the child to fulfill their own emotional and psychological needs. Children from narcissistic families fit the profile of children of alcoholics even if there wasn't any substance abuse in the family, and many issues that the adoptees face fall into the same continuum. Looks like your parents were able to navigate these traps and had truly loved you and accepted you unconditionally. Hope your daughter grows up just as emotionally healthy as you are.
Posted by:ivana_krumiOctober 25, 2007 10:58:12 PMRespond ^
Lisa, I have read your blog post and am baffled. Some of your statements plainly show that you haven't read the article carefully. E.g., you suggest to the author to go and find the birth mother to figure out whether she was forced to relinquish her daughter. Well, a big part of the article is dedicated to how she went in there and did just that -- surely you have seen it? Your rebukes about the author supposedly ignoring her daughter's heritage are also way off the mark. I will stop at itemizing your misperceptions and assumptions about the author, some of which are downright demeaning. the subject seemed to have touched a raw nerve in you, the reason for which IMO is worth examining. But first you might want to cool off and reread the article. The author's ideas may not turn out to be be as big and mean of a bear as you think.
Posted by:karissaOctober 25, 2007 11:09:17 PMRespond ^
Dear LBE:
You are partly right. Are children better off, statistically speaking, in two parent homes? Yes, when comparing children raised by their biological parents, children are better off in two parent homes than in single parent homes.
This might make one assume that any child raised in a two parent home is better off than any child raised in a single parent home. Is this assumption borne out by the statistics?
In fact, no, it is not. Statistically speaking, adoptees (with all due respect to them) are over-represented in the same areas as single parent raised children. Indeed, statistically speaking, they even outstrip their single parent raised peers; being over-represented in: outpatient psychological care, inpatient psychological care, prisons, and in sociopathic and psychotic criminal groups.
Therefor, the only logical conclusion is that children are better off in two parent homes, so long as they don't have to be abandoned at birth in order to get there.
People such as you, who deliberately lie through omitting the facts, are the reason why adoption is an atrocity of an epidemic in this country. My daughter will be forwarned of the truth about the intentionally skewed statistics that people like you give, so that she can avoid adoption industry predators like you.
Predators who have religious and financial agendas, not an agenda to save children.
Your so-called statistics are lies simply by virtue of what they deliberately and calculatedly leave out.
Posted by:AmrisOctober 26, 2007 12:50:38 AMRespond ^
Here is some food for thought. Many jail inmates share something in common: they have little or no relationship with their biological father. This includes people who are adopted and those who are not. Some of the identity problems that adoptees have are due to issues that occurred BEFORE the adoption took place. One thing that a lot of adoptees have in common is they don't know the identity of their bio father; this is more likely the fault of the bio parents and society, and not the adoption industry or adoptive parents. Don't forget that many of the problems such as psych issues, criminal behavior, etc. have biological causes. An unplanned pregnancy can cause permanant damage to a fetus due to maternal stress hormones, not receiving proper medical care, not preparing for the pregnancy in advance by stopping smoking and drinking before the pregnancy, etc. The big question here is how much of an adult adoptee's issues are due to the adoption itself, and how much are due to factors that occurred before the child was placed for adoption? I think that both factors are significant issues. Don't forget that the mother only provides 50% of a child's genetic identity. If the bio father is unknown or refuses involvement in a child's life, the child is still dealing with the lose of 50% of their genetic identity whether they are adopted or not.
Posted by:MaryOctober 26, 2007 5:44:59 AMRespond ^
I just read a great article about orphans in Romania. It is a study comparing institutional care vs. living with a family. Check it out at: http://tinyurl.com/yokxdf
Posted by:LBEOctober 26, 2007 5:58:00 AMRespond ^
motherofchinesedaughter, I apologize that my comment was misinterpreted. I do not disrespect my child’s homeland; in fact I felt she deserved the right to stay there. Is that not the ultimate love? To place my daughters needs before my own selfish desire to parent?
We will not adopt again. Not because we would not love to parent another child, we just do not want to add to more demands for children which contribute to child trafficking, baby buying, parents feeling pressure to relinquish their child etc.
Governments should cater to their residents first and allow them to adopt and only after all local resources are exhausted, allow for IA. This is not what is happening and anyone who chooses to think otherwise is only choosing the rosy picture.
I love my daughter and treat her with the utmost unconditional love that she deserves. However I refuse to implant fantasies into her personal story. I will raise her, as she deserves (the very most I can give her of myself), however when she is old enough to understand, I will hand her the facts that I have on her adoption. We owe our kids much more than the material offerings of the western culture. We owe them information, openness, unconditional love and most of all an apology for not doing more when we had the chance.
I will be there for her if she chooses to search for her birth parents. I will never make her feel guilty for questioning the ethics of how she came to our family.
No topic will be closed in our home.
Try to really listen to the adult adoptees and understand the loss they have experienced and then ask yourself how you have contributed to this loss. Believe me, China is not innocent of corruption. This is not disrespect, this is a reality.
Posted by:anotherchinaadopterOctober 26, 2007 6:54:56 AMRespond ^
Dear Elizabeth,
I have made some necessary corrections in my response to your article. I am a professional blogger for adoptionblogs.com Please come read what I've written in response to your suggestion of child theft.
Thank you,
Lisa - mother to amazing Guatemalan-born daughter
http://guatemala.adoptionblogs.com
Posted by:Lisa S.October 26, 2007 8:00:05 AMRespond ^
Wow, Ivana...you are a very angry person, aren't you? I wanted to adopt for as long as I can remember because regardless of what many of the people here think, adoption is not ALL bad. The bottom line is there are children out there who need homes and would otherwise stay in orphanges until they were old enough to live on the streets. As I said, I am not ignorant or as you say "holier than though" to think that there are no complications either way. I have no doubts that my daughters mother loved her but the bottom line is she "told" us that she would either have to place her for adoption or turn her over to an orphanage. So Ivana...you seem to know ALL the answers. What do you think we should do about ALL of the children who have been abandoned and need homes. From what I can tell, you feel we should all turn our backs and let them fend for themselves. My point about not have infertility problems is just to explain to adoption haters that not all people have to have infertility problems to want to adopt. Even if you do have inferitlity problems and want to adopt, I still do not have a problem with this. Due to the number of children who need homes in this world, I really think that it is sad that people feel the way you do. Another question, Ivana, should we just stop adoptions all together because a child does get placed in bad situation. Yes, horrible and I could not imagine but what about ALL the families who do give good homes to children and truely unconditionally love them. Again, Ivana, you seem to have the answers....so lets hear your thoughts on all of the abandoned children.
Posted by:AngOctober 26, 2007 8:43:58 AMRespond ^
I'm sorry you have such a bleak view of adoption. Our son was also adopted from Guatemala, legally and ethically. Though it isn't common to meet the adoption attorney we did meet ours both in Guatemala and recently at a gathering arranged by the agency we worked with, here in the states. I do acknowledge that there are some unethical people working in the adoption area, in Guatemala but from my research most adoption are processed both legally and ethically according to the adoption laws that are currently in place. Some birthmom, families don't have the means due to the circumstances they live in to care for a child. Should these children be placed in an orphanage, which many in Guatemala are understaffed and underfunded, or left on the street to fend for themselves, possibly to die due to malnutrition rather than being loved and cared for by an adoptive family. We acknowledge my son's heritage and maintain contact with the family who cared for him so as to learn about his country and culture so that we can provide a part of that for him and celebrate his heritage, not forget about it. As an adoptive parent, I am deeply offended by the comments made in this article that make adoptive families out to be no more than baby thieves. With such negative things like this being published it is no wonder people look on adoption has being something bad. The majority of adoptions are entered into with love and care of a couple wanting to have a family. I want my son to know as much as he wants to know about his birth family. I would love to have contact with his birthmom, to know more about her. I wish that the media would focus more on the positives and give a true picture of adoption rather than just focusing on the negative. Every one has a right to their opinion whether it is based on the actual facts or not, too bad it seems that most aren't based on the facts.
Posted by:Cindy UhrickOctober 26, 2007 9:01:40 AMRespond ^
Let's see, Ang ... you have called the author "selfish" for adopting her daughter after she already had her biological children. And I say you are just as "selfish" for adopting your children before you had biological children. You have said nothing that would disprove it. You are no better than the author (you both being decent people), but think that you are -- and that's what I find wrong in the picture. As for your assumption re: my supposedly negative views on adoption, you are totally wrong. I think adoption is a wonderful institution, if the process is done with the best interest of the CHILD'S well-being, both the physical and psychological, in mind. And to that end, the priority should be given to keeping the child the the biological family. Money spent on adoption process and getting through all the corruption around it would have been better spent on helping the birth parents keep the children. If that fails, than the opportunity to be adopted should be available to the children.
Posted by:ivana_krumiOctober 26, 2007 9:37:21 AMRespond ^
Quite frankly, the world is not always a nice place. It can be mean and cruel and it seems that those that suffer the most are the children. UNICEF and many other organizations have been working for years to end world poverty and to keep children with their families and in their native country. It is wonderful and it is the first practice. Don't believe me? Do some research. The number of international adoptions compared to the number of orphans and those living in horrific conditions will bear this out. I thought those who read Mother Jones would at least have done some homework. Instead I have read so many Rush Limbaughish Leftie comments-all sound bytes and no solutions. “Adoption is evil”. Okey dokey then…and your solution? We have to constantly work towards ending poverty and infant mortality and to keep families together. But until that happens? Are these children just disposable to you?
There are over 80 million children living in extreme poverty around the world. 27,000-30,000 children die every day from disease or starvation. The United States has approximately 22,000 international adoptions a year.
As a parent adopting from China, I have to acknowledge that there are 500,000 children in orphanages at any given time there. Of those children, only about 10,000-12,000 are adopted internationally each year. Approximately 25,000 are adopted domestically(maybe more, we will probably never know). China is "short" 2,000,000 girls, even though the birthrate between boys and girls is about equal. Infanticide has a horrible ring to it, doesn't it? I will have to explain to a young girl many things about her home country-many beautiful and wonderful things and many sad and horrific ones. I may also have to explain to her that there are people out there like some of you who think she should have stayed there to have been raised in an orphanage so she could work at a Nike factory.
And, yes, I admit it. It is me that is forcing all these people to be breeding machines so that I can have one child. I am the cause of 80,000 million children living in hellish conditions just so I can be a parent. There, do you feel better now?
I'm selfish? I would rather be that than to be like some of the people who have written in on this topic.
Posted by:SunnyOctober 26, 2007 11:34:14 AMRespond ^
"With all of the children being taken from their prents for one reason or the other in the USA, why are so many option for children from foreign countries? Is it because they don't want any from here?
Posted by:Hinda GibbsOctober 22, 2007 2:24:36 PMRespond"
My husband and I are licensed foster parents and if you or anyone close to you knows any foster parents, then you know how difficult fostering can be.
Children are not taken away from their parents because they were nice to them.
Children are in foster care because of abuse or neglect from their parents and are often mentally scarred for life. It is very difficult to work with a child that doesn't want to be in your home and to work within a system that doesn't work....over worked and under paid social workers and a court system that sends the children back to the parents, even though it is painfully obvious that the parents are drug users and should not be parenting a child.
I am also a parent of a child adopted from China. I feel for her birth mother all the time. When my daughter does something new and I get excited for her, I have to think of her birth mother and wonder if she knows just what a special little girl she gave birth to and how incredibly blessed myself and my husband are to have the opportunity to raise such a wonderful child.
When a child in the USA is in need, there are services, however often times internationall, the services are lacking and the needs are greater.
It is also much easier to adopt internationally than domestically. One agency we looked into had 32 babies adopted in 1 year,,,,with over 160 waiting couples; this agency will not work with couples that are able to have bio children, they must have a medical reason they cannot have children on their own....so for every 1 baby available for adoption, there are 20 couples who have done everything medically possible to have a child on their own without success.
This is jsut oneof the reasons why international adoption is so much more popular than domestic.
Posted by:jennifer gebhartOctober 26, 2007 11:52:58 AMRespond ^
Ivana, I agree with Sunny! Call me selfish all you want but you still didn't answer the questions I posed. Is is because .....you don't really have any feasible solutions! Reality is hard for many folks and Sunny pointed out the reality. Again, Ivana tell us what to do? You have once again pointed out that doing it your way would still leave thousands orphaned and without loving homes. Sorry, still not convinced that living in an orphanage is so much better than coming to live selfish me. By admitting that I am selfish doesn't mean that I have zero concern for the birthmother (sorry, whatever PC word that works for you, please fill in here). Should I have given her the several thousand dollars it took to adopt my daughter and then hope and pray that when it ran out that she would not give her to an orphanage. I really want to hear your solutions.
Posted by:AngOctober 26, 2007 11:53:50 AMRespond ^
As an adoptive parent (oepn adoption/domestic) and an adoptions social worker, I greatly appreicate the depth in the article. Many families look overseas for children due to their fear of a child's birth parents. It would do all adoptive parents well to remember that their children do have two sets of parents--whether or not they have an open relationship with them does not mean they cannot miss or love their birth parents.
Secondly, it needs to be noted that there is a difference between relinquishment or abandonment and adoption. Adoption is one way to take care of a child who has been relinquished. Perhaps a better way it to promote women's access to birth control, education and opportunity as a way to prevent so many children around the world coming into substitute care--both in the U.S. and elsewhere.
Posted by:EileenOctober 26, 2007 12:07:29 PMRespond ^
Sunny, consider taking another look at what the adult adoptees have written. What you say about Chinese orphanages is true. It is equally true that adult adoptees resent being patronized and having their feelings denied daily. They resent to be made to feel guilty for any resentment about their situation and lack of information about their origins. Note how any legitimate resentment on the part of adoptees is interpreted as a lack of 'gratitude' towards the adoptive parents, who in their turn are viewed as the saviors of those less fortunate. Could this be at the root of all the psychological problems that adoptees are facing? You sure don't want your adopted daughter to feel this way, do you? It's not your fault that there are thousands abandoned children in Chinese orphanages; at the same time you, as an adoptive parent, are not their appointed or anointed savior. You are simply a parent who is lucky to have her child and loves her very much. I am wishing you strength and wisdom in dealing with this subject that has obviously touched you very deeply. Sincerely, Marina
Posted by:marina pOctober 26, 2007 12:10:56 PMRespond ^
First, I must tell Ankara that the statement, "No one wants to be an adoptee," is a ridiculous generalization, and I'd love to know on what it's based. I was raised in a family that had both biological and adoptive children, and I thank my lucky stars that I was adopted by my family as an infant. At the age of 41, I can honestly say I have no angst or feelings of loss as the result of being an "adoptee". And while I do agree that "no one wants to be a breeder," I don't think my son's unmarried, uneducated birth mother in her impoverished, predominantly Catholic (meaning no birth control/options) Colombian town had many other options. (He was her fifth child by the time she was 25.) You can blame societies for not finding a solution to the "root of the problem," as LBE said, but don't demonize all adopters and assume that all adoptees would be better off not being adopted.
Posted by:adopteeandadopterOctober 26, 2007 12:55:48 PMRespond ^
Thanks for sharing such detailed descriptions of your feelings and
thoughts around the issue of birthparents and the implications of open
international adoptions.
My family (husband and 12 yr. old son) adopted an over three year old
girl from China twelve years ago. She was old enough to remember and
eventually tell us her story. In addition, since I work with
internationally adopted children and their parents running the First
Year Home Group, here in Seattle, I have had the opportunity to hear
from parents about the "hand-over" experience of receiving their child
and all the many clues to what was not revealed in the paper work
about the child's birth family and pre-adoption life. As far as I can
tell there are few truly "clean" adoptions that adoptive parents
could feel proud to participate in.
International adoption brings ordinary, middle class folks who never
would cheat on their income tax or sell a child into slavery in touch
with folks who would do such things and have done worse. I also have
learned that in countries like China, parents with clout can get their
child adopted in a western country, no questions asked. My daughter's
parents appear to have been successful Communist party members with
four grown, adult children and who in their old age concieved a child
(our shared child) and due to their own ill health chose to send her to America.
My daughter says her birth family "picked us" and saw our photographs
and dossier.
I worry that searching for her family would endanger them; to
write about it as you did, may endanger Chinese adoptions in general,
and especially those Chinese who work for the Civil Affairs Department
that handles adoptions and who have easy access to placing their own
child (and I've heard of more than one of these situations) with
specifically chosen American parents.
The truth that I share with all prospective parents is that
international adoption is a shady business and that one has to be
ready to face and answer lots of tough, unpleasant questions for your
child in the future. No one comes out clean.
Posted by:Patricia CogenOctober 26, 2007 4:42:10 PMRespond ^
Thank you for clarifying that. I've heard the same from other adoptees as well. Huge generalizations are dangerous.
Lisa S.
Posted by:LisaOctober 26, 2007 5:01:11 PMRespond ^
Well said Zack. I'm in agreement with everyone of your arguments.
Lisa
http://guatemala.adoptionblogs.com
Posted by:Lisa S.October 26, 2007 5:06:47 PMRespond ^
Karissa, I did make a mistake about the birth mother search and already corrected it.
Lisa S.
Posted by:LisaOctober 26, 2007 5:08:57 PMRespond ^
Wow, this world of birthparents, adult adoptees and adoptive parents is so full of animosity. It is very amazing and unfortunate that so much anger and judgment exists when everyone claims it is about loving children. And, to think people have actually formed organizations to promote this anger is really astounding. Who said life was easy? Who said life was painless? Why is everyone so caught up in the "my pain is worse than your pain" game and "someone else is to blame for my pain." Drama queens, drama queens, drama queens. You all deserve each other. To me LOVE isn't about anger, bitterness, blame, or judgmental nastiness.
Posted by:Yada, Yada, YadaOctober 26, 2007 5:59:42 PMRespond ^
Yada, your comment is by far the nastiest, most judgmental and immature of the bunch, especially considering that you have no personal experience on either side of the issue. To put is simply, you don't get it and do not wish to. Troll elsewhere, if you will.
Posted by:karissaOctober 26, 2007 11:48:16 PMRespond ^
Karissa, you are right about one thing. My comments were very judgmental but so are yours. So are everyone's here. So, I should leave because my judgment is different than yours? How closed-minded. And, before you make anymore ASSUMPTIONS that you know absolutely nothing about let me tell you something about myself. I am an adult adoptee. When I was a teenager I found myself pregnant and chose to place my child for adoption, so I am a birth mother. Later in my 30's, I got married. I have biological children from that marriage and I also adopted 2 children into that marriage, so I am an adoptive parent as well. As a matter of fact, I may be the only person trolling here who does see every side of this issue because I have experience living my life as an adoptee, a birth mother, and an adoptive mother. Sorry, if I think adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents should come together in peace and kindness to make things work instead of constantly hurling blame and anger at each other.
Posted by:Yada, Yada, YadaOctober 27, 2007 9:46:10 AMRespond ^
Dear LBE: You said, "I just read a great article about orphans in Romania. It is a study comparing institutional care vs. living with a family. Check it out at: http://tinyurl.com/yokxdf" in response to my post about children being better off living with their single mother (assuming she is not abusive) versus being adopted. On the one hand, I do appreciate you making my point for me... you respond with comments about the difference between institutional care versus adoption (Nothing at all to do with my points, remotely)