Outfront
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GONZO BROODING
From a Letter to the Editor
September/October 1976
I'm still trying to figure out who "the rest of us" are, but what the hell? I've been brooding on that for at least 20 years…and if $8 will get me the answer, here it is.
Yeah…and now it's time for breakfast.
DR. HUNTER S. THOMPSON
Woody Creek, Colorado
SEXUAL POLITICS
From a Letter to the Editor
July 1976
Given the increasing frustrations of defending territory that should have been secured—equal opportunity employment, the ERA, reproductive control, to name a few—it is no wonder that some women have become harsher toward each other rather than more understanding in these deceitful times. No wonder, too, that people focus on what they can control—petty things like body hair—rather than focus on what seems out of reach, like foreign policy.… H.L. Mencken wrote, "Puritanism is the suspicion that someone, somewhere is having fun." Feminists were raised in America just like the rest of the people. Some feminists are therefore Puritans.
Just on the surface of things, if I see one more pair of overalls covering a strong, vibrant woman I might throw up. Women are beautiful.
RITA MAE BROWN
Boston, Massachusetts
Ma Bell's Watchful Eye
June 1980
Some people say that all mothers are alike, but frankly, we think that the people at Ma Bell are considerably more finicky than we are. We haven't had any accident-prevention performance reviews at Ma Jones lately, but if we did we surely wouldn't have plunged into them without consulting these "how-to" directions. Just out from AT&T, this new series of forms is designed to…uh…
| AT&T Long Lines Performance Review Items | Accident Prevention Performance Review Proper Response |
|---|---|
| 1. Show me where a blank U512 Hazardous Condition Report can be obtained. | Employee must be able to locate a blank U512 Hazardous Condition Report and be able to explain when to use it per GI36. |
| 2. Demonstrate how to properly go up and down the stairs. | A. Uses handrail. B. Places full length of foot on step. C. One step at a time, does not run up or down stairs. D. Looks at step to watch for obstacles. E. Stays to the right. |
| 3. Demonstrate how to properly open and close a door. | A. Opens and closes door slowly. B. Uses the provided opening device - knob, push bar, handle, etc. C. Uses proper door if marked "IN" and "OUT". |
| 4. Demonstrate how to safely use the following tools: Pencils | Pencils: Never touch point. Never uses as pointer. Use correct tool for job. |
From "Semi-Tough: The Politics Behind 60 Minutes"
By Jeffrey Klein
September/October 1979
"So many feminists in our business lose that soft, round, appealing quality—I don't know how else to define it." —MIKE WALLACE
From "What America Needs to Do Next"
By Robert Lipsyte
September/October 1976
We need an End to Masculinity—a revocation of that illegitimate birth certificate that imprisons the biological male in a web of burdens and responsibilities that limits his options as a human being almost as severely as his sisters have been limited by sexual discrimination…
I measure myself only against other men. The size of my bank account, the size of my penis, the imagined size of my obituary when it finally shouldn't matter any more.
And I will always come up short so long as my brothers and I lie to each other, lock horns needlessly, cherish the delusions that no matter how else we may fail we are better than the other half of the world merely because we are men. "You no girls no more," the sergeant told us in basic training, "you swingin' meat now…."
From "The Ten Most Useless Products"
By Art Levine
August 1978
ORGAN BUILDER (PENIS ENLARGER). SAEPAS ENTERPRISE, INC.
Hey, fellas, this one's for you! Sex experts, and some kind-hearted women, have argued for years that penis size isn't that important a factor in providing sexual pleasure, but some men still aren't convinced. To reassure any anxious readers, let's repeat some well-known facts: the average penis size when the organ is flaccid is only six inches, and a mere 12 inches when erect. The average length of intercourse, from penetration to ejaculation, is one-half hour. Most men have intercourse four times a day, with only about three different sexual partners a week. So there's really nothing to worry about.
For you others, this penis enlarger is a plastic tube in which the penis is inserted…
From "Used Husbands for Sale"
April 1977
Majority Report, a New York women's newspaper, is offering a unique service to its women readers.
The publication's classified advertising section is out with a "used husbands exchange" that lists the former husband's first name and last initial and then some of the least endearing qualities of the advertiser's ex-mate.
The paper states it came up with the idea because "Every woman who has lived with a man knows something about him that should, in the spirit of feminist solidarity, be passed on to his next victim."
One of the latest entries reads like this: "Alan Z., 32; unemployed taxi driver…spent seven hours one day at Kennedy airport waiting for a fare back to New York City; outstanding features: beer gut; conversation ('Hi, babe, whadaya say?')."
Frankly, we think this could all develop into something: swap-meets for spouses and exes, used husband-and-wife dealerships ("This little beauty has only 2,000 miles of housework…").
And then, of course, we could ask, apropos of Richard N: "Would you buy a used…?"
Chewed Cans Mean Snow
July 1977
Radio station KRSB in Roseburg, Oregon, gives two weather forecasts. One comes from the United States Weather Service, the other from people who watch wild goats. When goats move toward the top of nearby Mount Nebo, Roseburg residents expect fair weather. If the goats stay near the bottom, rain is predicted. During one two-week period, the goats were right 90 per cent of the time; the Weather Service scored 65 per cent.
