Paula Poundstone, the MoJo Wire's official GOP convention correspondent, begins her coverage with some predictions about the event. She will begin sending daily dispatches from San Diego on August 12.

by Paula Poundstone

From: paula@motherjones.com
To: mojowire@motherjones.com

While most politicos would never endanger their appearance of expertise by doing what I am about to do, I am submitting, before the convention, my predictions of what will occur there. If half of these things come to pass, I'd like to be considered a political genius.

1. Bob Dole will be the Republican nominee.

2. The religious right will populate the convention grounds in record numbers.

3. The porno shop in Jack Ford's building will do record sales.

4. The Guam delegates will not get the best hotel.

5. Abner Mason will not get good directions to any parties.

6. During the voting roll call, the Montana delegate will introduce the state as "Montana, the disaffected sociopathic mathematician refugee state."

7. Newt Gingrich, volunteering down in San Diego with Habitat for Humanity, will talk too much while house-building, and the other volunteers won't want to hammer near him.

8. The Republican leaders will reach out to include everyone in their party (minorities, gays, reproductive rights supporters, poor people), but they'll continue to legislate as if they're the only ones alive.

9. No one will look good in those shoes from Nordstrom.

10. Phil Gramm will run amok in Louie & Mousie's ice cream shop, pushing the "Phil Gramm Cracker" flavor and telling everyone about the time Bob Dole called him a bug.

11. The platform will include an unusually large section on yachters' rights.

12. Bruce Willis will show up somewhere and be rude.

13. At least two delegates will be seriously injured in a midnight attempt to photograph themselves in the elephant enclosure at the San Diego Zoo.

14. Pat Buchanan will say something unconscionable.

15. Lamar Alexander will storm the podium in his Brawny paper towel outfit to reassert that he's the only candidate who can beat Clinton since, having fizzled in the primaries, he has the element of surprise.