Paula Poundstone shares her thoughts on conventions past, and her hopes for this week's Republican National Convention, in an interview with the MoJo Wire. Paula will be sending daily dispatches from San Diego through August 15.

Hear Paula talk about what could go wrong at the convention. Note: You'll need the RealAudio player to hear this file.

August 9, 1996

MoJo: Being the convention veteran that you are, tell us about your past experiences.

Paula: I've been to two others. One was the Democratic convention in New York four years ago, and the other was the Republican convention in Houston four years ago. I thought something of a decision-making nature was going to take place. I had this sort of smoke-filled room, people saying "no, we don't want that, we want this," kind of idea. In fact, it was theater.

I remember at the Republican convention they had these big huge pushcart dollies filled with construction paper signs that had "Go George!" painted on them. I'd always thought those signs people carry were made in their garage out of enthusiasm for the event. As it turns out, no, they're distributed ahead of time. Which is good, cause it gives people something to do with those pushcart dollies.

MoJo: Did you hear Buchanan speak?

Paula: I did, actually. It was a shocking and heinous event. Interestingly, was I staying in Houston at the same hotel as the Mississippi delegation. After the Buchanan speech, I stepped into the elevator, and there were these ladies with name tags on that said they were Mississippi delegates. On the way up it was just me and the two women, and I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. I finally said, "let me ask you something. Doesn't this bother you at all, this kind of talk?" Then they did this really funny gesture where they looked both ways behind them, as if there was someone looking over their shoulders preventing them from speaking, and then they said, "Yeah, it does."

So, I was interested that even Republicans were taken aback. There are Republicans, and then there are REPUBLICANS.

I think actually, of all the candidates during the primary, he's by far the best performer. He's very riveting.

The problem is, he's out of his mind.

MoJo: Given we already know Dole is going to be the presidential candidate...

Paula: Don't give it away! Geeez! Now I'm not going to go!

MoJo: Do you think there are going to be any surprises there?

Paula: I don't expect any big huge surprises. The only thing that might happen is something disastrous like a bad balloon drop.

Actually, when I was in San Diego to talk to people about the convention, they told me they were considering having a balloon lift. They were going to have them all on the floor and then release them, and there would be helium balloons and they would go up. I don't really understand where they thought people were going to walk, and how they were going to restrain the balloons, but nonetheless...

MoJo: That could add entertainment value if people decide to suck in the helium.

Paula: Well, this is the other thing. The whole convention will be an octave higher.

MoJo: Are you looking forward to anything in particular for this convention?

Paula: In terms of actually enjoying the company of the Republicans, en masse, I don't think I'm capable of that.

MoJo: Some say the main convention draw are the parties that take place afterwards. True?

Paula: When I was there, I really was working like a dog, so I didn't go to any of those parties. Perhaps I will be able to this time. Usually they're theme parties of some sort, and I'm not sure what group I could possibly qualify to get through the door with. Maybe Mother Jones can swing something, socially, for me.

MoJo: Very important question. What are you going to wear?

Well, I'm thinking of just wearing a big 'ol elephant suit. Just so people don't question my presence there. Actually, I hadn't thought about it all that carefully just yet. I imagine I'll have to have my hair heightened, just to fit it. I know that Nordstrom's was actually selling a pair of leather pumps with red, white and blue banners and elephants on them. So maybe I'll be able to pick those up for a song.

MoJo: As a Southern Californian, are you particularly proud that the convention is going to take place in your general region this year?

Paula: No. I'm convenienced. I can't go as far as to say that I'm proud. You know, California's a big, long state. That's like saying is Massachusetts proud of something South Carolina is doing this summer. We stretch the whole Pacific Coast practically, and I'd have to go a long way to be proud of something in San Diego.

MoJo: If you run into Newt, what will you say?

Look, it's not like I'm going to make a pithy comment to Newt Gingrich and he's going to change his way of thinking. If I were introduced to the guy, I'd be stuck shaking his hand and stuff, and I don't think that would feel so comfortable. I don't like him. I don't like what he's doing, and I don't think I'd be very good at pretending, and I don't imagine he'd like me either.

MoJo: As you know, Amway funded the GOP's coverage of the convention. Do you use Amway products?

I don't. I've only bought from a door-to-door salesman once. I bought a horse-head play set for my children, but it wasn't from Amway. Generally speaking, door-to-door sales do nothing for me any longer. Therefore, I own no Amway products. You know, a good cleanser is a good cleanser, I always say.

But my understanding is that vinegar can do the work of lots of those products. If the vinegar people go supporting the Republicans, then I'll have to make some changes in my lifestyle.

Interview by Leora Broydo