"I cried over the Partridge Family. However, even I found the carefully scheduled emotional moments in last night's presentation a bit phony."

by Paula Poundstone

From: paula@motherjones.com
To: mojowire@motherjones.com

August 13, 1996

Colin Powell is a Republican. I heard him say so last night in his address from the podium on the first night of the Republican convention. The crowd before him was thrilled right down to their toes. They almost couldn't stop waving their Dole/Kemp signs long enough to let the man speak. When he did speak, he said great stuff. He hailed the continued importance of affirmative action. He declared his support for reproductive rights. He was poetic in his call to welcome and respect immigrants. In short, his position is contrary to that of the platform which they just finished taking such pains to write down. But, by golly, they were happy he stopped by.

In an interview with Jim Lehrer yesterday, George Bush said no one cared about or even reads the platform. I believe him. However, it does raise an interesting question about why the party intent on cutting government waste just spent a week arguing over, voting on and writing a worthless document.

Since she could first walk, I taught my youngest foster daughter to touch a tree in our front yard when we leave the house. Really. It's so she doesn't run into the street while I put the alarm on and lock the door. I make a big deal of it though, and she thinks it's an impressive feat to "touch the big tree." The platform seems to serve the same purpose. It gives the right-wing zealots something to do so they don't run into the street before Dole can lock the door.

I'm sure by the way, that the same could be said of the Democrats.

Both conventions, at this point are curious processes, because they are not processes at all. No decisions are made there. It's a scripted prepared presentation. The Olympic synchronized swim team wasn't this choreographed.

My favorite part so far was during a series of three-minute speeches by Senate candidates. One candidate was speaking, to what had to be the largest crowd she will ever address; about her goals, her beliefs, her values, her core convictions. Then the TelePrompTer went out and suddenly she had no goals, beliefs, values, or core convictions. She looked from prompter screen to prompter screen with an expression I last saw on the face of a victim in Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. It was a three minute speech. She couldn't memorize these beliefs she's so committed to?

I cried over the Partridge Family episode when the bus broke down on their way to perform at the Mother of the Year ceremony. But they made it at the last minute, all dirty and not in their vests, and Keith made the speech about why Shirlee should be Mother of the Year. I cried when it originally aired and when I saw it in syndication.

However, even I found the carefully scheduled emotional moments in last night's presentation a bit phony. I do think Nancy Reagan genuinely welled up when she said Ronnie wouldn't go to anymore Republican conventions. I just didn't care. I also saw a variety of men with tears streaming down their faces after the Reagan Video Tribute. I think that was real because I could've sworn I saw one guy mouth the words, "I'm never gonna make that kind of money again." It was hard to tell though, his lip was quivering so.

I'm not even sure the enthusiasm of the crowd is real. I can see some obvious party cheerleaders on the side--applause goons. Even the applause goons don't seem to know how to help Haley Barbour, the Chairman of the RNC and MC of the event. He makes painfully bad joke after painfully bad joke, gets no response and does it again. I imagine he's a scream at the office, where he could fire anybody who didn't laugh, but he's not as good to a big crowd.

I've heard the argument that the conventions are a showcase, that if a party couldn't run a good convention, how could they run the country? That's fine, but since it's just theater anyway, why does it have to be speeches? Why not have each party do their very best production of West Side Story? It'd be a much more spontaneous show and the music would be better.