| Hygiene, roller coasters, and fiddle-faddle "Elizabeth Dole told some story last night about Bob walking around in her mother's house in a towel after he showered. Well, fine, now I have that picture stuck in my head." by Paula Poundstone From: paula@motherjones.com August 15, 1996 For those of you who missed the third day of the Republican Convention because you were doing something more important--like refolding the t-shirts in your t-shirt drawer--it was a cliffhanger. In a surprise move that took the pundits totally off guard, the delegates to the 1996 Republican Convention in San Diego nominated Bob Dole and Jack Kemp for President and Vice President of the United States of America. Bob Dole speaks tonight, but last night other people spoke about him. They want us to get to know him. He's the same Bob Dole who served in the Congress for thirty something years only we didn't know him. He's the same though. Same old Bob Dole, except that for thirty something years he went out of his way to not draw attention to his disabled right arm and now he's all but distributing plastic souvenir replicas of it to be waved about on the convention floor beside the I Heart Bob signs. He's the exact same Bob Dole he always was, except that he used to be a deficit hawk and a private man and now he has promised a 15% tax cut and is on the verge of offering to go camping with each American family if he's elected. Same old Bob Dole though. Now it's time for us, the public, to come clean. Who has been telling the pollsters that we want to know more about the personal lives of our leaders? Eww. I don't. Elizabeth Dole told some story last night about Bob walking around in her mother's house in a towel after he showered. Well, fine, now I have that picture stuck in my head. I don't want to know about the shower time of our leadership. No decision I make could be based on that. I'm a Clinton supporter, but I swear if the Democrats say one word about how the man performs his personal hygiene I'm not listening to another speech. Policies. That's what I'd like to know about. There was no room, however, for that sort of fiddle-faddle in last night's speeches. Robin Dole, the Senator's adult daughter, had to deliver the urgent message to America and the world, that her dad had helped her learn to ride a bike and helped her on the roller coaster. Is it possible that she accidentally grabbed her 7th grade essay contest entry on the way out of the house? You'd think the guy who typed it into the computer for the TelePrompTer earlier in the day would have said something. He must not actually read the speeches. I don't think people in the hall actually listen. I saw James Baker applaud after Robin Dole said this line: It's no wonder everything is so scripted. If these are the statements they come up with with careful planning and thought, their impromptu utterings must be devoid of any intelligence at all. Bill Bennett, "the moral conscience" of the Right, took the stage last night and indicated that he was anxious to get out of there. He said he was the last speaker (he wasn't) and that the benediction, to be delivered by Jerry Falwell, was next. Therefore, he said, the only thing standing between him and the "pleasures" of San Diego was Jerry Falwell. Thank you Mr. Book of Virtues. I don't have a sense of if the general public is falling for this stuff. I feel like I've been in a storm cellar for days waiting to come out and see how bad it was for everyone else. There must be some smart people there in the convention center who have just lost all sense of reality. Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson said that Bob Dole had walked away from Washington to do the right thing and stand with the American people. Walked away? He's been in the Congress for thirty something years and now he wants to be president. You know, the White House is in Washington D.C. Maybe the whole crowd just needs a map. Almost every other speaker has shouted that "This is the United States of America." Each time the crowd has reacted with surprise. Usually the roll call is my favorite part, when a representative from each state describes, with pride, their state attributes. This year, by Alaska, it had taken a turn for the stupid. I fell asleep. When I woke up the Alaska guy was still speaking and I thought I heard him say, "Apple is another word that begins with the letter 'A'..." It was hard to watch. At one point I believe they circulated Bob Dole's dental x-rays. If you're worried that you missed it, let me recap for you what Elizabeth Dole says shows the kind of man Bob Dole is: She was at Senate confirmation hearings to be Secretary of Transportation and Bob spoke. "Do you know what he did to me?" she asked the audience. They didn't. "He did a reverse on Nathan Hale. He said, 'I regret that I have but one wife to give to my country's infrastructure.' That's just the kind of man Bob Dole is." Now do you know how to vote? | The Final Night - - - Watching the watchers - - - This is the cheesiest - - - The Second Night - - - Talking Television - - - The First Night - - - MoJo interviews Paula - - - San Diego Dreamin' - - - Un-Conventional San Diego: |
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