So what’s Brad Pitt really like? He’s a lot like Hugh Grant, who’s a lot like Claire Danes, who’s a lot like every other surprisingly complex, assuredly heterosexual, disturbingly foulmouthed celebrity. Except for Gloria the Iberian lynx, that is. Gloria is slightly different, because she doesn’t have a thuggish publicist enforcing the golden rule of celebrity journalism: Every juicy dollop of celebrity candor must be repaid with a like amount of squishy journalist obsequiousness.
|Celebrity||Estimated exposure to celebrity||Main objective||Gratuitous down-to-
|The star is not gay||Does the celebrity have Tourette’s syndrome?||Reader’s appropriate penance|
|Vanity Fair||Brad Pitt||Three hours||Plugging Meet Joe Black||“[Pitt is] fun-loving, to be sure, ‘the king of flatulence,’ said Aidan Quinn.”||“I hesitate to use the word ‘feminine,’ because people will get the wrong idea, but something in the way Pitt padded around the house in his slip-ons…made me think he’s exactly the kind of guy a girl could…discuss fabric swatches with.”||“Pitt and I were talking about various literary styles when Cormac McCarthy’s name came up. ‘Whoof, he’s one of the all-stars,’ Pitt said admiringly.”||Must actually read book by Cormac McCarthy|
|GQ||Hugh Grant||At least two separate visits||Plugging Mickey Blue Eyes and Notting Hill||“‘I was never able to blow my nose without a hankie before,’ [Grant] notes. ‘[James Caan] can shoot it for miles. Great cables of snot shooting from his nose that would…hit some minor actor in the face.'”||“His face fairly quivers with rascally delight; I suspect he likes being here [in a gay bar] because of, not in spite of recurring (and baseless) rumors that he’s gay.”||“I have a kind of Tourette’s thing now, where every time I put down the phone I have to say, ‘wanker, cunt.'”||Must actually watch Nine Months|
|Premiere||Clare Danes||However long it takes an overly introspective novice bowler to bowl three games||Plugging Brokedown Palace and The Mod Squad||“‘We both became really fond of these sleeping pills. We were like two little crackheads in the back…. It got pretty violent at times.'”||No overt mentions of Danes’ not-gayness||After criticizing Manila in this interview — it “fucking smelled of cockroaches” — Danes told reporters: “I would never intentionally insult the Philippines.”||Must skip next MTV repeat of “My So-Called Life,” even if it’s the one where Angela finally kisses Jordan Catalano|
|Details||Pamela Anderson||A little too much: “Pamela…sprawls out on her freshly steam-cleaned carpet.”||Plugging new TV show and official, patented Pamela Anderson G-string||“‘You know,’ she says thoughtfully, ‘I think I’m gonna change the name to Pamela’s Rectal Floss. That’ll go flying off the shelves.'”||“‘Everybody’s done that at least once in their life,’ Pamela says about her XXX VHS…. ‘Thank God I don’t have 60 billion tapes out there or anything with women.'”||“I have Tourette’s syndrome: I just say whatever’s on my mind. I just keep spitting it out.”||Must model the patented Pamela Anderson G-string|
|Natural History||Gloria the lberian lynx||“Just over a week”||Staving off extinction||“By examining more than 1,000 feces samples, Palomares found that most lynx consume an average of two rabbits a day.”||“A female will mate with whichever male has won the adjacent territory, and a male will mate with as many females as he can.”||Tendency toward Pitt-like vocalizations, so maybe: “Gloria utters a throaty and menacing growl.”||Kick back and pop in the Pam and Tommy tape: You did a good deed.|