-- The Sunday Times of London, May 13
Here at the MoJo Wire, we're not satisfied by simply sitting back and laughing at the military's ineptitude. We're searching the globe for real-life solutions to stubborn world problems.
Problem: Old, inaccurate maps
Solution: A joint membership in the American Automobile Association (AAA) for NATO and Uncle Sam
Included in the membership are benefits even a brigadier general could love!
- Free, updated maps and TourBooks for virtually every prospective imperialist's destination. TourBooks help in locating embassies, hospitals, passenger train routes, and other potential strategic targets!
- With AAA, the military can receive discounts from hundreds of merchants nationwide. No more of those pesky $4,000 toilet seats!
- If the General Accounting Office likes the sound of that, then it'll love the free or discounted financial services available through AAA. Watch that Pentagon budget balance every time!
- AAA's Vehicle Purchasing Service (VPS) could prevent future gaffes like the Army's embarrassing $15.7 billion truck scandal. The Army purchased thousands of Medium Tactical Vehicles, which have defective drive trains and tend to overturn at speeds as slow as 12 mph. With VPS, the Army could have had trusty AAA mechanics inspect the trucks ahead of time, and been armed with the knowledge needed to pick a truck model that actually worked. And with a AAA card in hand, any corporal stuck with an overturned truck could call Emergency Roadside Assistance!
- Uncle Sam would also be eligible for discounted vehicle insurance, which could do wonders for the bottom line on the Apache helicopter program.
Of course, this membership would not solve all the difficulties of war for our military masterminds. A number of the routes through delightful countryside, architectural attractions, and historic sites the Yugoslavia tour guide might recommend are a little worse for wear, but we bet it's a little harder to secure a hotel reservation in downtown Skopje, Macedonia than some guide books would suggest, what with the sudden influx of accidental tourists. We also got a nice rundown on the weather patterns in Belgrade. (Note to NATO: May and June are rainy months. You might want to park the Stealth fighters for awhile.)
In the interest of keeping costs down (you know how cash-strapped the DoD is), perhaps AAA could extend some kind of group discount or dues waiver, sort of like what the U.N. does. And what the U.S. still owed could be folded into the already bloated Kosovo funding bill.
After all, the card literally pays for itself in the first international skirmish!
This has been a public-service message from the MoJo Wire.