The Chock Full o’ Nuts Party

In which Will Durst takes the wacko slate of potential Reform Party candidates to its logical extreme.


Spring open your lead-lined umbrellas folks, and keep them with you at all times because its getting weirder than cinnamon sake at a softball game out there. Quayle quits. Gore moves to Nashville in an attempt to steal the “outsiderer than thou” cloak from Bradley. And 11 percent of George W.’s support still comes from people who think he is his father running again. At least that number’s down from 35 percent.

And they complain not enough people vote. You know what I think? Too many people vote. Look at Minnesota.

Speaking of which, poor Jesse, obviously not used to folks dissecting his every word. The other day a phrase leaked out of his mouth onto the pages of Playboy remarkably along the lines of, “Organized religion is a sham and a crutch for weak-willed people.” Sure, sure, as opposed to professional wrestling, where all of society’s great intellects go to polish their advanced cerebral faculties. A couple weeks ago Mr. “Our Governor Can Put Your Governor’s Eyes Out With His Pecs” refereed a WWF event and there was this huge outcry … from the wrestlers. Undoubtedly worried the presence of a politician would cheapen the sport.

The pile of cheap linguini that is the reins of the Reform Party continues to slip through Gov. Bullethead’s pudgy little fingers as the organization starts to attract loose nuts like a nation of squirrels’ millennial magnet project. You’ve got Pat “Pit Bull In A Blender” Buchanan threatening to bolt the Republican Party for the Reform Party, probably because the Nazi Party is in such disarray.

Now actress Cybill Shepherd is making noises about running for president. Not very intelligible noises, but that’s never been a prerequisite before. She would bring something to the presidential race it’s never had before: cheesecake (if you discount the hot, passionate allure of Geraldine Ferraro, that is). I imagine Shepherd is also thinking Chock Full o’ Nuts Party because those other parties have so many gosh darn rules; like filing restrictions and delegates and positions and such.

Even Donald Trump is hearing the siren call of the Big Mirror, which I personally think is a great idea, having always been in favor of electing billionaires instead of politicians — that way we eliminate the middlemen. The Donald went on “Larry King Live” and said, “I would be a great president if I decide to do it,” proving he possesses the proper humility necessary for the job.

Last and perhaps least, Warren Beatty is also talking through his hat about throwing it into the ring, but just the mere thought of First Sister Shirley MacLaine ought to be enough to gives the willies to approximately 275 million Americans, not counting the dead.

The field may be getting crowded but there’s still a lot of constituencies not represented and plenty of room left on that Reform Party nomination ballot. So here’s my suggestions of candidates over 35 not born on foreign soil who could yet file for the tiny hand of H. Ross Perot and his ragged band of followers.

  • Ron Reagan Jr.: Has better name recognition than George W. and neither dad is going to object.

  • Michelle Pfeiffer: What? I’d vote for her.

  • Fred Rogers: Like to see Pat Robertson try to swing the Christian Coalition away from voting for a saint.

  • Charles Barkley: He’s been talking about running for office and is the only guy who can post up against Bill Bradley.

  • Jerry Brown: Knows the drill and it would get him out of Oakland.

  • Bob Hope: Who doesn’t love Bob Hope and he’s younger and more sentient than Strom Thurmond who, as Senate Pro Tem, is only three chicken bones away from the presidency.

  • Bob Dornan: Would allow Buchanan to run as a fourth-party moderate.

  • Bob Dylan: Wouldn’t have to worry about excessive legislation from a guy whom nobody can understand.

  • Richard Nixon: The ultimate comeback kid.

    Will Durst would run, but he’s got enough skeletons in his closet to outfit a Halloween frighthouse held at the Astrodome. Besides, he’s not old enough. Durst Case Scenario appears weekly on the MoJo Wire.