Domestic Violence: A Special Report
Underfunded shelters. Unenforced restraining orders. Will cops, Congress, and the Supreme Court leave women with no safe haven?
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YahooNo Safe HavenIn the coming months, Congress and the Supreme Court will signal whether we are advancing in our fight against domestic violence, or in retreat
The UnforgivenBy Jennifer GonnermanShelley Hendrickson killed her abusive husband and went to jail. Then an old friend began a campaign to free her -- and 10 other women.
The Counselor
Patricia Prickett set out to beat the violence and ended up in the belly of the beast, working with the LAPD.
P L U S :
Unintended Consequences: same sex marriage law and domestic violence
Domestic Violence: The Numbers
(Sources)
Resources for Getting Involved
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I am a midwife that has dealt with the fall out of domestic violence/rape on women for 26 years. I have MANY horrifying stories of unjust treatment - may I share some in the effort to motivate others to make change?
I am currently reading the "Macho Paradox" by Jackson Katz which is telling men that they are the ones who should be admonishing and standing up to the men who abuse women and children. That women have been speaking out long and hard enough and that it is time for men to tell other men who abuse that what they are doing will not be tolerated by the father's, lovers, husbands and friends of the women who are being violated. That the men who see the abuse of women and kids will stand up and defend the person who is being hurt. That men will no longer turn a blind eye just because they are not like the abuser, nor are they supposed to say something to the abuser just because their wives, children, friends or relatives are not being hurt. That what one man does to hurt someone affects all men, not just the victim.
I wonder if any of the marital abuse that is perpetuated by the female ever be recognised. This may not seem important to most yet I wonder how much abuse is fostered by the frustration caused by the female.
I would suggest that you and other members of the intelligently concerned media have a crucial role to play in dealing with the violence women face. A large part of the issue is words and that's your business. I want to stop talking about the problem of "domestic violence" and especially the monumentally irratating "violence against women" and start calling the issue by its real name: the violence of men. Men are socialized to associate love and violence, and to identify themselves with violence as part of their manhood. This has got to stop. You can help stop it by naming accurately what you see happening. If you want some background reading that refuses to hide from the heart of the question, read The Macho Paradox by Jackson Katz.
As you will gleefully note, Mr.Charles D. Temple Sr., your comment, stated by some male on every website created to help women escape abuse and also see equal Justice, infuriates me. No woman or man deserves abuse. If your partner "drives" you to it and you can't blow it off, leave. I bet I can could in total, on my hands and feet, the number of men who have been stalked and murdered by a woman who 'just cannot let him go". "If I can't have him, no one can". So thanks for stopping in just to lend us some more abuse, although verbal, it still defines what kind of guy you are: that is, one who taunts.
why is it so hard for people to belive men get abused also. i am a women whos son is caught up in seattle wa insenative laws and i am sick of it. his familey care about him and this wont be the last time thay hear from me i wont go away untill things are done right. i will go to the whit house the naacp who ever i have to i hear stories about seattle laws and it ant good.
Parental Right or Parental Abduction
It is still legal in this country for one parent to kidnap, abduct and alienate the children from others who have legal rights to the children too. My son was taken on June 25, 2007, and I have seen, heard or had him since and his 1st birthday was September 2nd, 2007. Please help me stop this form of of domestic violence.
No one believes that Jim could be violent. He's a white male philosophy professor. No one could believe that I would be the kind of woman who was participate in the abuse. I'm bright and outspoken. There were several episodes of slamming my head into a wall. There were a number of times when I stayed in restraints until I would give into what ever he wanted. There were painful sex acts. I learned to hide car keys. Sometimes I could escape, and when I did I would go have a lot of car keys made. I'd hide some near my office, some on a path we walked, some in boxes of tampons. When I got home, I would always have a few on my body as if I were trying to hide them. He would take those. I simply accepted that Jim would demand a job in every department where I had a job. It was necessary if I wanted that job. I can no longer count the jobs I had to turn down because Jim wasn't offered a job to teach with me. He said if I left him, he'd take my son away from me. He did. For a while, he convinced people that I had a bi-polar disorder. Then, he decided it was a borderline personality disorder. Most recently, it's an executive brain dysfunction. Finally, he went to far. He hit me with a truck in front of an eyewitness who called 911. I went to the hospital. He went to jail. He was charged with domestic assault, but he plead down to disorderly conduct. In Illinois, you can run over your wife for $217 and 6 months of probation. Here's the proof:
http://www.judici.com/courts/cases/case_dispositions.jsp?court=IL027015J...
Now the punchline? You can move to Idaho and teach PHIL 103 INTRODUCTION TO ETHICS. Here's that proof too:
I Will Never be Free/No Survival Story Here!
In the dark as the story goes -
I can not move my broken toes.
What time is it? I can not see –
This is how he captures me.
In awhile I see the light through the crack of the door –
Grabbing my hair as he drags me across the floor.
My hands and feet are always bound –
He says that if I don't obey I’ll be put in the ground.
Onto the bed he throws me there –
Surprisingly he says he cares.
The belt is next; he strikes my back –
Even though it may seem like it; he says it's not an attack.
This is the way for me to learn –
To bow to him and feel the burn.
Over and over I'm at his mercy -
All because he is blood thirsty.
He takes me out to the world he calls earth -
Looking around I sense a new birth.
But then it is taken from me today –
All because he wants it that way.
Off we go to the cemetery of unspoken words –
When he's done, he looks around to make sure no body heard.
The blood curdling sounds in my mind I create -
Are held by his hands as I'm trapped to his fate.
Watching me die and then giving me his air –
Once again he says that it is because he cares.
Back to my chamber that I can barely stand –
I’m sure the next outing; he'll bury me in the sand.
All of this is done everyday -
This is what happens to me today.
No way out I can't even look around -
As I’m made to keep my head pointed at the ground.
There is no way for me to break free –
This is how it has to be.
My exhusband found me as a teenage girl from a bad home when he was in his twenties. What started with lobster dinners and lavish compliments led to shoving, swearing, emotional abuse, intimidation, and eventually physical assault including being choked, molested in a bed with my young daughter in the same bed. Finally, after a wrist injury when he forced the children out of my hands while he was angry and out of control and then blamed me for the injury I called the police asking that they tell him it was not my fault if he assaulted me. They decided they had to arrest him. I was so glad to have him out of the house and be safe I didn't risk pursuing it and pled marital and it was dropped. I had to raise two children and thought they needed their father. He continued to be emotionally abusive including harassment and intimidation in 1998 while I was recovering from a car accident that left me with head, spinal and other injuries as well as PTSD from seeing my father die next to me. He kept using the children to hurt me until I could barely function--abusing me and teaching my children not to respect me because I was a loser with no job. I succeeded in attending college while the children were in school graduating Magna Cum Laude but he was still constantly breaking down my self esteem. I became more disabled. When the children were old enough to stay home alone after school he sued for custody and won legal and joint physical. They were 12 and 10 and he had never cared for them longer than a week when his friend offered them all a week of vacation. He lied and had a great resume and looked like a wonderful guy. He was even a Girl Scout leader. I had no money to afford an attorney, naturally he had been careful to avoid proof, had become completely withdrawn and emotional. I testified to all of it but broke down several times under the stress and couldn't stay organized with him present. The judge decided I was lying. Two years later, he managed to bribe the older child with an XBox 360 into accusing me of abuse (there was no DSS involvement and the one time police were involved it was because my son disobeyed me including wrestling me for his cell phone taken for misbehavior and assaulting me). He won full custody with no visitation the volunteer lawyer defied my request to pursue or even postpone pending a DSS investigation based on allegations my daughter made. Again, his lawyer friend helped get the investigation dropped as "unsubstantiated" even though he refused to allow DSS in his home, refused to allow me to be present and only allowed my daughter to meet with the DSS investigator with his lawyer friend present--the same friend who mocked me saying "oh, you've been raped" and laughed when I asked for help. Right at this moment, I'm waiting on the outcome after my son physically prevented my daughter from boarding a bus to come here because she wouldn't go to her father's because according to her, he hits her "too hard", he yells all the time, he expresses inappropriate interest in her breasts, he refuses to remove his dresser from her bedroom requiring him to come into her room while she's asleep to get his clothing (ex, daughter and son live alone in a 3 BR appt--the third bedroom goes empty because he insists on sleeping in the livingroom so they cannot use the tv or computer in the morning). He refuses to allow her to come here when she asked. He doesn't allow her to make phone calls before 7 PM because he has no land line and it would cost money--she is shy and only has one real friend. He got an agreement to claim both kids on his taxes (40k+ salary) in exchange for covering all their uninsured medical and dental then turned around and looted the children's trust funds to pay for their braces and kept the extra money (all their medical expenses are covered through Masshealth due to my disability). He pays nothing. He coaches all extracurriculars. Acts as a "Tax Unit Manager" for a financial company. Serves on the library board of directors and the Girl Scout Council and the board of a nonprofit that made the news several times recently when the executive director (his best friend)was praising an employee arrested for the rape of his 12 year old sister in law and assaulting the girl's character. I have no money and no where to go and the stress and fear of leaving home has left me disabled and taken as terrible toll on my health.
My state--MA--doesn't allow restraining orders for emotional abuse even with a history of physical abuse, ringing my doorbell repeatedly late at night, swearing at me and both kids, hanging up on us. Everyone thinks he's a saint. I spend most of my time desperately hoping to do the best to support my daughter until she's safely on her own. Most days I'm sorry I was ever born. I can't leave because she's in danger but I had to hospitalize myself during the divorce because I was ready to die and I've developped medical problems from the stress. I'm 35 and my life has been destroyed for a mistake I made at 16 that the court won't help me escape and has helped my abuser more and more. My life has been destroyed. My potential career. My son, who has threatened to kill me and himself and broken doors. My daughter, who is afraid to even ask for help and is now in danger. But no one believes me. I have no where to go and no support. When I tested negative for fatal diseases I was upset, I felt a loss because at least it would have been a way out.
I'll never be free.
Why doesn't anyone understand that these men target women with no resources to escape and act like saints to cover their true behavior?
It's impossible to escape with children involved.
I don't know that case. I've seen men wrongfully accused but I can assure you that in at least some cases--if you'd swear he was innocent beyond all doubt--he probably isn't. Nonabusers don't have to put on the elaborate display an abuser uses for cover. Normal men screw up or don't always have time. Abusers overachieve to put on a good front and channel it so they only break the facade in private. They are cowards with no self esteem so they put on a mask and only that special someone sees through it--the test case--and when they exhibit the normal fear, the abuser needs to have power over them and control them so no one else will "discover". If they alternate intense relationships with women who move far away when it ends with long periods of casual relationships and they are everyone's friend but most of the friends are limited to one special segment of their life, be careful. If no one can tell you a person's flaws, it's probably because the person hides them and silences critics.
Anyone concerned about domestic violence should read, "The Batterer As Parent," authored by Lundy Bancroft and Jay Silverman. There is no better resource for defining domestic violence and listing the numerous sorts of obfuscations batterers use to escape scrutiny and accountability.
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I agree. There is no way out. I tried. The help that is pretended does not exist. We have no where to go. I'd rather stay and hide.There are men who mix violence with power and ego. Causing pain, against women and children, they can't feel.
My husband is 23 & I didn't wanted him to be provoke by this 40yr old man. The men started to to say things to him & aim a punch to my husband's face’s got in the middle to prevent the men from hitting my husband & he ended up attacking me. Meanwhile, my husband was being punch by this men’s wife.
I was trying to stop him from hitting me but he kept it up until I felt his wife pulling my hair & I ended up with a punch in my stomach by the men. Everything stop there when I told the lady to stop it, that I wasn't hurting her husband that he was hurting me.
The neighbors came out & ask us to leave because they had called the police. They though my husband & his brother were the ones who started the fight.
When I got home, I notice I was hurt, I had scratches on my faces, busted lip, & shivers followed by a strong headache.
I did a police report but decided not to send him to jail. I felt sorry for his family because he just had a grandchild.
But now, after my husband & his brother were called to court because of a Restriction Order that was put by them. I felt that I was too nice to them. They won because they had there daughter say that my husband told her mom to shut up & sock her in the face & my brother in law went up to her dad & started kicking him. But they never said what they did to me.
After court, I decided to proceed with my report when I soon find out my case was closed:(
After a week from getting punch in my stomach, I been having stomach ache. I ended up going to the emergency room & they couldn't find nothing so they send me to a specialist. But now owe the hospital & don't have money to prove that it came from that day.
What could I do?
I am scared for you after reading that!!! are you ok?
Ihave lived with my husband for 1 yr and i lived hell with him. now that we are separeted we have a son and he wants to take him to go shooping ect. althiugh i donth want to go cause my other two children that he physicaly abused need me and we are invould with cps cause waht he did, he says that i have to go beacuse the babi cryes in the back seat.so i tell him that is a problem that you will have to resolve beacuse i cannot go Althogh he dosent understand that.HOW CAN I MAKE SENCE IN HIS HEAD THAT I CANNOT GO AND IF HE CANNOT CARE FOR HIM TO DONT TAKE HIM?
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I am a very mean person who beats my kids and i also killed one.
I AM GAY AND USED TO BE IN JAIL NOW I MAKE MY SON SUCK MY PENIS AND HE LOVES IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
stop the violence and we wil give you respeat
I have a son who is caught up in the overly agressive Seattle laws too. Have you heard of a good attorney that he could contact? We must band together against their insanely unjust laws.
My husband is extremely verbally and emotionally and sometimes sexually abusive i have asked for help from many organizations and have been net with on help from any of them. I have two children bodyf need to get out i don't know what to do i am disable from a cancer surgery and cannot work. I just want to live in peace rod take care of my babies 7 & 9 for as long as i am able. I need help getting out of this hell. Leslie thomson LAWTON
My husband is extremely verbally and emotionally and sometimes sexually abusive i have asked for help from many organizations and have been net with no help from any of them. I have two children i need to get out i don't know what to do i am disable from a cancer surgery and cannot work. I just want to live in peace and take care of my babies 7 & 9 for as long as i am able. I need help getting out of this hell. Leslie thomson LAWTON
hi my name is joe my dads name is joey hikey he recently just came out of jail evernite he comes to my room and rubs my penis and says its good for the health then he starts to kiss it then he says to kiss his one then he makes me suck it then white stuff comes out and he says its just milk plz tell me if this is good for the body
My daughter survived a domestic violence marriage. Her ex-spouse separated her from her family and friends. The emotional, mental and physical abuse almost destroyed my daughter. She lost so much weight she looked sick to the point her eyes sunk in. It was not until a co-worker showed her scars that were hidden under her shirt that she realized she was not alone. This co-worker had almost died at the hands of her ex-spouse before she found the courage to leave. This lady helped my daughter seek aid. I credit her for my daughter being alive and healing today. Also, I recently read a novel by Andrea Ferrell titled Autumn Seclusion. This work so accurately portrays the emotions of an abused woman. You may want to read it and share it with other women. Thanks for sharing. Kaye
I am a survivor of a domestic violence marriage. My ex-spouse was physically and verbally abusive. He was physically abusive to me, to our son he was verbally and emotionally abusive. I live in North Carolina. I was able to find an organization called Interact that helps me and my son hid from my ex-spouse while we found legal counsel. To all women and children of abuse, please go to your state's website and search for agencies that help abused woman and children, it could save your life. Also, I noted that someone mentioned to read Autumn Seclusion by Andrea Ferrell and she stated it was a wonderful book for abused women. I too have read the story. The book does speak to women of abuse. It also brings a sense of healing and hope after surviving the violence. It is a story of self-worth. As well, I went to a book reading held by the author. She too spoke of surviving a domestic violence marriage of eight years. The author was open, honest and she truly cared about the women she met.
I saw the advertisement for Autumn Seclusion in Mother Jones this month and read the customer reviews on amazon.com. The book is highly recommended by Midwest Book Review and on the publisher's website, there is an an article by Encore Magazine that really made me want to read this book. It talks about not just abuse but forgiveness, peace, friendship, self-awareness and hope. Having a sister that has lived with abuse, I sincerely wish for abused women, children and men to find peace. I plan on buying this book and sharing it with others. Thank you Mara and Kaye for sharing the book, I did not know about it.
Girls you go on and talk about all this that is going on to you. If it matters to you, then get out. Report. Speak up and stand up for all your rights. because your rights should matter. and the very most. The way you had choosen to live with a man a some sort is crazy. Grow up and prove that yes you were once apart of a reality that is now in the past. Change your lives people. We all know right from wrong. But why do we go through we have the crap that should be dealt with the law enforcements.
I agree women should get out and fight for their rights. Regarding the book mentioned above, I have not heard of it, but I am going to check it out on amazon.
Elect woman equally, politically and judicially per constituency thusly doubling democracy so that woman can access half the wealth and law making being half the people, and the joy and harmony then will come back to the species. Simply put there is no cure to an alienated species that we now have till that green organic ecological balance is returned. It was the empires that destroyed the matriarchy, and in the British Tribes that happened around 42ad, when the Roman Slaveholders put the workers in slaveholder pens, women in one and men in another. They did that to break the solidarity of the species and weaken it so that their enslavement would be facilitated more easily. With a new millenium, one would think if there was a serious liberation thought in the rulers heads, they would bother to cause election of woman equally , eg 50-50 so that pollution, wars, poverty and gender discrimination, that now characterizes the man-woman question and alienates us all would disapear and we could become a harmonious unity again as nature intended us to be.
hi am 17 years old if got 2 years old daughter a was 14 when a a fell pregnet fiveteen when a had her a found out her dad was oready on the sex offenders register aftera a found out a was pregnet he be violent towards be since the start only coupel months ago he said he was haveing sexal thoughts about my daugher he not seen her for a year half now he found out am seeing someone else he takeing me to court for contact with my daughter a dont think the laws right that high risk sex offenders and violent men should be aloud to have contact with there children especial if there mothers arent in agreement with that and no court should make us the goverment needs to make shower school girls are aware off this so they dont end up the same
hi am 17 years old if got 2 years old daughter a was 14 when a a fell pregnet fiveteen when a had her a found out her dad was oready on the sex offenders register aftera a found out a was pregnet he be violent towards be since the start only coupel months ago he said he was haveing sexal thoughts about my daugher he not seen her for a year half now he found out am seeing someone else he takeing me to court for contact with my daughter a dont think the laws right that high risk sex offenders and violent men should be aloud to have contact with there children especial if there mothers arent in agreement with that and no court should make us the goverment needs to make shower school girls are aware off this so they dont end up the same as me
I was married young, to a man in the Navy to get out of a small town. All the wrong reasons if only I knew. I got pregnant after we had been married for only two months and that is when it started. I should have known the reason he wanted a baby was so that I couldn't leave. He would yell, scream, shove and degrate me. The entire time I was pregnant I walked on eggshells thinking it would get better, thinking I didn't want my baby to not have a father, thinking after the baby was born we would all just be a happy family and everything would get better. WAS I CRAZY? I would have rather my baby have no father than an example such as this. After my precious baby boy was born everything was great for about two weeks and suddenly it got worse. He would yell and scream and shove me while I was holding my sweet baby. He would threaten to take the baby if I left. I was worthless after all, no one would let me have a baby I didn't have a job at the time, after just having a baby. I moved to my home state and agreed with him that it was for us to save money I would stay with my parents while he was out to sea and we would save money. He never sent ANY money he spent it all and if I asked on the phone about it he would yell at me. At least he couldn't get to me. He came home before he was supposed to AWOL from the Navy, said he was going to fix everything. We had to stay at my parents house while we got on our feet and he exploded one day I don't even remmeber why.. in front of everyone yelling and screaming. I went to a place called CARDV (coalition against rape and domestic violence) but I couldn't leave him yet. I had to plan very carefully so that my son would NEVER have to be alone with him. So that he wouldn't kill us as he had threatened previously. We all moved from my parents to a house we were renting, that would make things better he promised.. it was my parents fault he got mad now.. not just mine.. or the babies.. or the people he worked with.. (cause it was always someone else's fault when he blew up usually mine) I moved to the house with him and the baby still planning with the people at CARDV how I was going to leave.. We talked a lot they offered to help me with everything they saved my son and me. We got in touch with the navy and my ex husband finally got pulled over one day and sent back to VA to do his time for leaving the navy. Now I could get out THIS WAS IT!! This was my escape! I got an ex parte and my son and I moved with my mom.. we had to move fast I didn't know how much time we would have. CARDV helped me with my ex parte and got me a lawyer.. they supported me .. they cared. They even got my lawyer for my divorce. They and the wonderful lawyer got helped me get my divorce finalized and my son with me full custody except for 2 supervised visits a month, which my ex husband doesn't usually even go to. The ladies from CARDV went to court with me they prepared me they told me how important I really was. I started talking to a wonderful christian friend of mine I had gone to high school with and we were married. My son has a wonderful father, a wonderful life now. God is so great and he has saved us. I left before my son was old enough to remember any of the terrible things that happened. There is hope!! It is not better for a child to have both parents if it is not a loving family. I left my ex husband knowing that I might be the only parent he would ever have but that was what was best. I Was blessed with a wonderful husband to be his father and that was God's awesome power. The CARDV advocates were angels to me and I don't know what I would have done without them. Just know that you CAN leave.. afterall it couldn't get any worse.
My response is to "New Life." Your story sounds so much like mine. Except, my spouse was in the army and my son was almost 4 before I had the courage to leave. I was able to work with a group called Triangle Family Services, they helped me secure a lawyer and start a new life. In NC, the laws do not protect children. Even though emotional abuse was proven with regards to our son, he still goes, unsupervised every other weekend, half of the holidays and 3 weeks in the summer. It has truly been God that has helped not just me but also my son. I too am now remarried. At least my son is happy 80 perecent of the time. After reading your comment and all those before yours, I am glad to know women are escaping. As well to Mara, I am going to try the book, Autumn Seclusion, you suggested. It is hard to find a book that speaks freely and openly about domestic violence. Thanks
i have a report due tomarrow on adomestic violence news report
I met my husband in the USAF. He was older and moved up the ranks rather fast. The abuse was a roller coaster, he had an affair with his ex-wife and the abuse escalated. The paramour attempted to steal my identity. I reported same to police and two domestic violence agencies. My husband apologized and said he never hurt me again. We reconciled. The abuse escalated again due to threats from his ex-wife (paramour)and I reported same to police. We separated several times and during each separation my vehicle was damaged, mail stolen, harrassing phone calls, etc. I was a SSgt (admin) and he a MSgt (security police). I reported him to the military and the tables turned. It was not he that was under investigation, it was I! I was legally stalked by OSI, my clearance removed, mail stolen from my civilian mail box, more vehicle damaged, moved several times for my safety, possession stolen, raped, etc. I was ordered in anger management b/c the familiy advocate believed I was the abuser, not my husband! I discovered that the investigation has been turned against me because my husband's paramour (his ex-wife) denied the affair and contacted the OSI. Even though I was able to prove and provide a leave form where with her address and where he cohabitated with her for 30 days, and a receipt for a diamond engagement ring he purchased her while we were married, the military considered me the abuser. I weighted 135 lbs and he weighed 190. He was an expert marksman and had access to all my personal information of which he had passed onto his ex-wife (paramour), which is how she attempted to steal my identity. OSI fingerprinted and photographed me like a criminal. I was forced to take a hand writing analysis and forced to write a certain way against my normal hand writing. It was determined that I had forged the paramour's (ex-wife) on documents I was not allowed to see. OSI said they had voice recordings of me threatening the paramour, of which I was not allowed to listen. I was informed that my supervisor and rating official were allowed to listen to the tapes. Both my supervisor and rating official were in the process of divorcing and having to pay their ex-wives 50% of their retirements. My squadron section commander issued me an Article 15 and discharged me with a General Under Honorable Conditions discharge and reduced my rank from an E-5 to an E-4. My squadron section commander was gay. My appointed military attorney was of no help. I was on my own with no support. I left with my tail between my legs. I divorced my husband and he was promoted to SMSgt (E-8). I was discharged with a General Under Honorable Conditions in 1997.
I moved across country and began anew. Several months later he (ex-husband) hired a Private Investigator and tracked me down. Said he could not live without me and would never harm me again. He had already received follow-on orders to a nearby base after his short tour in Korea. Now, the military considered me the abuser, then why would he the 'victim' want to hire a PI and the remarry me? He found me with intent. I was working 2 jobs and attending night school and rebuilding my life. I refused to remarry him. The harrassing phone calls began and he even contacted my employer(s) and told them about my discharg to control me. I remarried him b/c I thought it would keep me employed and not having to look over my shoulder constantly.
When he returned from Osan to Shaw AFB, we bought a home and after a few months the abuse began. He did not like me furthering my education, so he had an affair with a neighbor. When he went TDY he had affairs. I confronted him and he promised it would never happen again and we were reassigned to Lackland AFB, TX. He was promoted to E-9 (CMSgt) and assigned to the HQ AFSFC. Things were OK at the new assignment, yet after 6 mths I discovered he had been searching for sex partners on the internet and discovered that he was trolling to meet women, men, and groups at his TDY locations. I reported to military and the IG, yet received a letter stating there was no proof of abuse nor adultery. The USAF/IG said that it was a civilian matter.
It is of my opinion and belief that the military will protect those in a position of power. I divorced him again in 2003.
I discovered that my ex-husband's security forces 'buddies' had given him advice how to beat the system and punish me for his abuse. Several of his security forces 'buddies' had been married at least 2X, some as much as 4X. My ex-husband had a DUI. I later discovered that some the men legally stalking me had 2 DUIs each and were allowed to retire as SMSgt (E-8).
Four (4) domestic violence shelters later the abuse still does not stop. I see his dating ads on the internet crawling for group sex with men and women. He retired as an E-9 (CMSgt) and remarried. The marriage lasted only a year. He works as a contractor and even though 1200 miles apart, the stalking does not stop. Windows are broken, vehicle damaged, property damage, phone calls, appointments are made in my name and receive angry calls for having not shown, horse and pets endangered, etc.
I now have a security system, cognizant where I park and keep notes (notebook), a camera handy, warn neighbors, changed locks to key pads with security codes, etc. I'm 'physically' safe, yet don't feel safe.
To this day I still question why does the military allowed this to happen? Why was I punished for his abuse and adultery?
Yvonne, I do not know why this has happened and still happens to you. I too was abused for 11 years before I fled my now ex-spouse. It took me almost four years of legal battles to escape him (he stalked me for awhile). However, through the Grace of God, I have found salvation and peace. Your ex-spouse will have to answer for his crimes one day. It may not be on Earth, but he will have to answer. God Bless.
my mum was in a violent relationship before she met my father but she has alot of anger and is violent towards her children got any advise ?
Sinead, I too was in a violent relationship, I was angry as well. It is difficult to release emotional, physical or mental abuse if it has been repeated over multiple years. I too have a child and found my anger was affecting her. I did a few things that helped. First, I prayed a lot for God to help me deal with my anger. Second, I had to find self-worth in myself. Your mom needs to realize she is worth more than the anger allows her to be. Third, counseling. I would find a counselor that deals with domestic violence. This may sound cliche after having read all the e-mails above, but, I did also read Autumn Seclusion. It is a book that talks about inner peace, forgiveness (within yourself)and of others, and self worth. You can order it through amazon.com. I hope this helps. God Bless
Escape is possible with your children. I know, I am a survivor of domestic abuse. My ex calls me a kidnapper, but what I did is not against the law. As a married woman with children I have the right to come and go anywhere in the world I like. Once a court case has begun the court has the right to keep the children in the state where we were married and lived. This is because his visitation is seen as more important than our safety. If you want to leave, leave prior to starting the divorce, you are free to move out of state. That is not kidnapping.. Leaving with children latter can be a problem, so leave before the divorce, go to a different state, I put 1800 miles between me and him, it was the best thing I could have done, Get to a shelter like the battered womens shelter, and let them help you start a new life. You will need counseling and assistance with getting you life on track. I tell you that a shelter is much better than being dead. I stayed in the BWS for 3.5 months prior to getting housing. We lived on my students loans after that while I got my education. Today I am close to finishing my MPA degree and I have a great job. My poverty was easier to deal with then living without joy. I know from experience the joy and happiness are there for you also. I joy can in with the Holy Spirit and I am free. I hope that you can find a way to leave safely and then to find a path to happiness. My savior is Jesus Christ and he loves me. He takes care of all of my needs and I have joy in the morning.
the violence towrds myself and my eldest son was of an emotional kind, stealthily done, yet under the guise of alcholism. My former husband was/is an alchoholic. He was a victim of the disease, and so his family became victims too.
I was a fierce woman,and gave him many, many arguments, difficult times,and found so much inner strength to fight against the constant emotional abuse. However, I was not fierce enough to protect my eldest son. I am recovering, but now as a 33 year old, my son suffers from terrible depression, and has moved into substance abuse and alcholism too.
I feel enormous guilt ... all the time ... just guilt.
I am from Australia, and my escape came in 1999, when I left my home and country to live in Thailand. Now ... the government of Australia recognises that emotional and financial abuse have the same standing as physical abuse -- that is, any form of violence is against the law. Instead of leaving my home, I could have taken out an Intervention Order on my husband, and remained home.
But ... that was not meant to be.
My youngest son, benefitted from the 'divide and rule' philosophy of my former husband, and so he does not want to have much in the way of contact with me. He is I think he has become a person similiar to those described by: caught in the trap October 19, 2007 5:29:41 PM
It is awful for me to say this, but I kind of think of my youngest son as a: coward, because he must see and know what has been done to his mother and brother?? I feel as if he is perpetrating another round of violence against me. Since he has become a Father himself, he uses the distance between us to keep me uniformed as to her growth, maturity, milestones etc. No photos are sent to me. She is to be a weapon too -- a way of punshing me for leaving, for being strong, independent and courageous.
Domestic violence is a heinous crime, and it requires a TOTAL response from law makers, community leaders, doctors, lawyers, the police -- and the response must be that any form of violence is just unacceptable ... from bullying at school, to gang fights, to date rape to the beating of women and children (and men too).
I would be interested to read the novel by Andrea Ferrell titled Autumn Seclusion, but I am not much into non-fiction.
Time ... being far, far, far away from the abuser, feeling the strong presence of my Higher Power, good friends, prayer, the realisation of my dignty and self worth, anti-depressant & anti-anxiety medication -- have all helped. What has also helped to is reading about the emotional sides of post traumatic stress disorder. I have come to understand why it is that I have responded in ceratin ways.
I have remarried also to a darling man -- Mr Kindness and Good Listener himself. So, I will not end my days unhappily. However, I would really love for my grand daughter to know that her grand mother was a tough B****, who took no prisoners!!!! I want her to be critical and tough too.
My comment is for Anne, I applaud you for your courage. I sincerely hope that your granddaughter finds the strength to seek you out one day, you sound like a woman with conviction. I too have been through an emotionally abusive situation, but not to the extreme you mentioned. However, God helped me through. Regarding your comment on the book by Andrea Ferrell, I just looked it up on amazon, it seems to a novel about more than abuse. The reviews talk a lot about forgiveness, hope, healing, courage and much more. I think I will check it out. By the way, the main characters name is Anne and she flees to Thailand. I wish you the best.
The abuse does not stop, he continues to stalk me. The police are of no help b/c he solicits others to assist him. Also, b/c I was discharged, agenices believe him over me. Yet, my windows are broken, vehicle damaged, horse harmed, harassing phone calls, etc. Yes, I've a security system, moved horse to new stable for safety, unlisted number, etc. Yet, he finds me. He once said that he will find me where I go, he will not let anyone else have me. Yet, he has already married and divorced another woman and has sex ads listed below:
http://www.plentyoffish.com/member4177285.htm
http://209.85.165.104/search?q=cache:QIk61EoZhB8J:profile.adultfriendfin...
http://profile.xmatch.com/p/member.cgi?dcb=xmatch&fromPage=intgrps&mid=8...
http://profile.lesbianpersonals.com/p/member.cgi?dcb=lesbianpersonals&mi...
When will this stop? when will he leave me alone? Why won't he leave me alone? It's not like I can sell my home, find a new job, move out of country, or give up my pets. Is that what he wants? To continue to separate me from that which I love?
God, please make it stop! Please, please, please.
I've been suicidal b/c he won't leave me alone. Thought if I were dead, it would be over. (Those suicide hotlines don't help at all, useless).
