2006 State of the Union Drinking Game

What you need:

• A group of four taxpayers: including 1 white guy wearing a Suit. 2 people wearing jeans, one in a Work Shirt, the other in a Dark Shirt, and 1 person wearing Rags. Stitched together wash cloths are nice. Four are grouped around cocktail table within sight of television. Newspapers on floor in front of television.
• A shot glass per person. Everyone brings their own and places on table. Suit picks one first. Then Work Shirt. Then Dark Shirt. Suit takes last one as well, and Rags gets a Dixie Cup with the top scissored off.
• 5 bucks apiece. Everybody antes.
• Fondue pot with 2 packages of Li’l Smokies stewing in barbecue sauce on table. Preferably a sauce from Texas. Surrounded by:
• 100 cocktail toothpicks. The kind with the little American flags wrapped around the top.
• A large stash of beer. Rags gets the cheapest stuff you can find, like Old Milwaukee Light; Suit gets to drink whatever import he asks for; while the jeans get to pick their favorite domestic brand, but they are required to pay for all the beer and the Li’l Smokies.

Rules of the Game

1. Whenever George W uses the phrases: national
security, tax relief, activist judges or affordable
health care, drink two shots of beer.

2. Whenever George W mentions the tragic events of
911, last person to grab a toothpick, stand and salute
must drink three shots of beer. If you stab yourself
in forehead with the toothpick, drink two more shots.

3. If George W actually says, “If Al Qaeda is calling
you, we want to know why.” first person to finish a
whole beer gets to toss Li’l Smokies at any of the
others until they finish their beer. Use the
toothpicks.

4. If George W makes up a word like “strategerie” or
“deteriorize” drink four shots of beer.

5. If George W speaks of Hamas and repeats his earlier
statement that “its good to see people are demanding
honest leadership,” the first person to stop laughing
gets to drink one shot of beer then pummel Suit with
empty shot glass. No head shots.

6. Whenever George W talks about bi- partisanship, the
last person to grab his throat in a choking motion has
to eat 4 Li’l Smokies.

7. If either the Vice President Dick Cheney or First
Lady Laura Bush are caught napping, last person to
sing “Wake Up Little Susie, Wake Up,” has to drink
three shots of beer.

8. Predict the number of applause breaks. Person
closest to correct number may then force the other
three to drink that number of shots of beer in
whatever ratio they wish.

9. Three shots of beer if he mentions New Orleans.
Five shots of beer if he mentions Brownie. Two full
beers if he mentions Abramoff.

10. Every time Tom DeLay is shown in the audience,
take turns throwing Li’l Smokies at the tv. Suit sits
out. First face hit doesn’t have to drink two shots of
beer. Every time Hillary Clinton is shown in the
audience, Suit throws Li’l Smokies at the tv. If he
hits her face, everyone else drinks two shots of beer.
Use the toothpicks.

11. Whenever George W quotes the Bible, last person to
fall to their knees and cry “Hallelujah!” drinks two
shots of beer.

12. Whenever George W smirks during a standing
ovation, take turns drinking shots of beer until the
audience sits down. Do it double time if his shoulders
shake with silent laughter.

Extras:

• Whoever can correctly identify in advance the person
  giving the Democratic Response doesn’t have to watch
  it.
• Suit gets to kick Rags hard, once if George W uses a
  heartfelt story of a pulling yourself up by your
  bootstraps to illustrate a point. Twice if the
  regulation of large cardboard boxes is mentioned as a
  security precaution. Rags gets 15 seconds to kick the
  Suit if Bush reveals the subject of the anecdote is in
  the audience. 30 seconds if he or she is sitting next
  to Harriet Miers. 1 full minute if she’s sitting next
  to an astronaut.
• Suit takes home $20.
• Leftover beer, Li’l Smokies and fondue pot go home
  with Rags.