Rolling Stone Shrinks to Normal Magazine Size
Rolling Stone magazine unveiled plans on Monday for a major design overhaul, scaling down its signature large-format pages to a standard magazine size in a bid to bolster advertising and sagging newsstand sales. The U.S. pop culture magazine will end the oversized look that for more than 30 years has distinguished it from rival publications starting with an issue set to hit newsstands on October 17.
TrackMasterz, an 8-track tape distributor, has unveiled plans for miniature 8-tracks, only 1 1/2 by 2 inches wide, which the company "thinks probably" will work on iPods. "You should be able to just, like, stick it in there somewhere, right?" asked a spokesman, clad in a burlap sack and pointing a small REO Speedwagon cartridge at an iPod Touch. He added, "Spare some change?"
DRK Music, the leading manufacturer of player piano rolls, has announced a new, double-speed roll, in a bid to compete with rival player piano roll manufacturers. "Think of all the notes," screamed a spokesman over the horrific clatter of hundreds of upright pianos seemingly playing themselves at twice normal speed. "'Michigan Rag' will no longer sound so turgid and morose!"
Tablets-R-Us, the premier producer of engraved stone tablets, has revealed a design overhaul of its rock slabs, featuring a revolutionary new "Thin-sonite" material which allows tablets of less than 200 pounds each for the first time. "Advertisers and religious leaders will flock to this new, convenient format," claimed a spokesman from the bottom of a giant strip mine. "Imagine a day when reading Zac Efron features or reminding yourself of tricky commandments will only require the assistance of 10 Egyptian slaves, instead of 20!" Competitor Rolling Stones, whose new circular format caused thousands of accidental crushing deaths last year, was unavailable for comment.