11 Awful John Edwards Pickup Lines

Former Sen. John Edwards (D-NC)Chuck Liddy/Raleigh News & Observer/ZumaPress.com


The way we live now: On Friday, ABC News reported that former Democratic vice presidential nominee John Edwards has been flirting with a female alternate juror at his trial for allegedly making illegal payments from his campaign fund to cover up an affair. Per the story:

Since the alternates were identified last Thursday, it has been impossible to ignore the dynamic between Edwards and one of the female alternates, an attractive young woman with jet-black hair, who seems to have been flirting with Edwards for days.

The juror clearly instigated the exchanges. She smiles at him. He smiles at her. She giggles. He blushes.

But what does he say? We took a stab at it:

  • “Want to see what a $400 haircut buys? [Winks.]”
  • “Improper use of federal matching funds? More like matching fun, amirite? [Winks.]”
  • “[Points at electronic tracking bracelet.] [Winks.]”
  • “Hello, voir dear [long pause] [winks].”
  • “Shall we adjourn to my place? [Winks.]”
  • “I’ll bring the handcuffs [winks].”
  • “You’ve been acquitting yourself nicely [creepy laughter] [points fingers] [claps] [winks]..”
  • “They say justice is blind. But I can’t take my eyes off of you [winks].”
  • “We can build one America, baby [winks].”
  • “Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? Because I know a good personal injury lawyer [winks].”

And for old times’ sake…

  • “My daddy worked at a mill all his life.”

Okay, now we need to take a shower.

$500,000 MATCHING GIFT

In 2014, before Donald Trump announced his run for president, we knew we had to do something different to address the fundamental challenge facing journalism: how hard-hitting reporting that can hold the powerful accountable can survive as the bottom falls out of the news business.

Being a nonprofit, we started planning The Moment for Mother Jones: A special campaign to raise $25 million for key investments to make Mother Jones the strongest watchdog it can be. Five years later, readers have stepped up and contributed an astonishing $23 million in gifts and future pledges. This is an incredible statement from the Mother Jones community in the face of the huge threats—both economic and political—against the free press.

Read more about The Moment and see what we've been able to accomplish thanks to readers' incredible generosity so far, and please join them today. Your gift will be matched dollar for dollar, up to $500,000 total, during this critical moment for journalism.

We Recommend

Latest

Sign up for our newsletters

Subscribe and we'll send Mother Jones straight to your inbox.

Get our award-winning magazine

Save big on a full year of investigations, ideas, and insights.

Subscribe

Support our journalism

Help Mother Jones' reporters dig deep with a tax-deductible donation.

Donate

We have a new comment system! We are now using Coral, from Vox Media, for comments on all new articles. We'd love your feedback.