First off, let’s get one thing straight: You suck as a parent. This is obvious because you’re human and thus almost certain to do unforgivable things like leave your baby alone in his or her crib for several hours at a time just so that you can sleep. But let’s assume for the sake of argument that you never sleep: How do you really know that your sleeping child is healthy? By staring at her all night long? Please. It’s time to admit that you have no idea how to raise a child, and that you should outsource the job to your friends in Silicon Valley. Let’s face it, they’re probably smarter than you, and their kids will probably have higher IQs than your kids and get into better colleges. So heed their advice, and buy these indispensable baby-rearing gadgets.
Withings Smart Kids Scale
During scheduled check-ups, your pediatrician will typically weigh your baby to make sure that his growth curve falls within the range of “normal.” But given that your baby may go days, weeks, or even months between check-ups, how do you know he hasn’t suddenly forked off onto an inexorable path towards anorexia or morbid obesity? That’s why you need the Withings Smart Kids Scale. It weighs your baby and automatically transmits the measurements to a smartphone app. You can use the app to tweak your feeding strategy, stuffing or starving your infant into total normalcy.
Owlet Vitals Monitor
A sensor woven into your baby’s sock tracks her heart rate, blood-oxygen levels, skin temperature, and “sleep quality.” It streams this data in real time, along with any “roll over alerts,” to your iPhone, where it’s logged in perpetuity by a special app. Rest assured knowing that the slightest perturbations in your child’s bodily rhythms will be brought to your immediate attention, enabling you to constantly wonder if you ought to rush her to the hospital before it’s too late. Only 6 percent of Owlet customers have babies with health issues, according to Owlet founder Jordan Monroe. But nobody has health issues, you know, until they do.
Unfortunately, sensors and smart scales can’t monitor everything that matters to your baby’s health (and ultimate fantastic success in life). For that, you’ll need the Babies’ Diary, an app that tracks nursings, diaper changes, baths, doctor visits, baby length and head size, and the duration of stroller walks and play sessions. Concerned that constantly updating these details might detract from, say, your quality time with your child? Don’t worry about it! Just sleep less.
True Fit iAlert Convertible Car Seat
When a VC drives his little guy around Menlo Park, how does he really know the kid is buckled in and happy? He could turn around and check on him, but who has time for that while updating their Baby Diaries and negotiating the gridlock on Sand Hill Road? That’s why the True Fit iAlert Convertible Car Seat is such a lifesaver. For just $399.99, you get a seat that’s fully integrated with your iPhone. You’ll never have to take your eyes off the screen again to know that your child has overheated, jumped out the window, or been abandoned by you in the parking lot.
Why Cry Baby Cry Analyzer
Do you know why your baby is crying? Neither do the geniuses who rule Silicon Valley. That’s why they own the Why Cry Baby Cry Analyzer. Who needs common sense when you’ve got algorithms?
Locate 1 GPS
Until robot nannies become viable, you may need to hire a human to help take care of your baby while you’re at work. Instead of trusting your nanny’s judgment, bug your baby’s diaper bag with the Locate 1 GPS. For only $500 (and a $15 to $50 monthly service fee), it can tell you where your baby is going, if he has exceeded a certain speed limit, and whether he has crossed into any “forbidden zones” that you may wish to designate, such as East Palo Alto. The Locate 1 will also come in handy once your baby gets his own drivers license.
You can put your fetus on the waiting list of an exclusive preschool, but don’t count on it being accepted without BellyBuds. As any good parent knows, children exposed to music in the womb develop sooner than children who aren’t. Sure, affixing two giant suction speakers to your engorged belly every night might not sound like fun, but neither is raising a child that can’t even get into MENSA.