Can Someone Please Direct Me to the Nearest Black Hole?

Metzel Mikhail/TASS via ZUMA

I’ve spent the weekend watching a little football, catching up on some Netflix, playing frisbee golf, and not really keeping tabs on the news very much. Apparently, while I was failing to pay attention, I was transported through a warp in the space-time continuum where, it turns out:

We are no longer talking about whether Donald Trump likes Vladimir Putin a little more than you’d expect.

We are no longer talking about whether Trump’s campaign received dirt on Hillary Clinton from Russian sources.

We are no longer talking about whether Trump has obstructed justice during the Mueller probe of Russia.

Instead, we are talking—seriously, mind you—about whether the president of the United States is an asset of Russian intelligence.

Perhaps this is normal here on Earth-457-ℵ? I’m not sure. But I’d like to get back to my own earth, and I’m wondering if anyone can point me to a local nano-black-hole centrifuge or whatever it is you folks use to travel between dimensions. Any help would be much appreciated.