July/August 2010 Issue

Blezzed R Teh Cheezmakers

Rewriting the word of God for kitties, coders, and conservatives.

Illustration: Courtesy Ulysses Press

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The recently released LOLcat Bible (Ulysses Press) mashes up enduring sacred texts with the endearing Internet meme of captioned kitties. It’s the latest in a long line of alternative translations of the holy book, some meant to amuse, others meant to spread the word to readers who aren’t moved by 17th-century English. Some samples:

LOLcat Bible

Ceiling Cat is mai sheperd. He gif me evrithing Iz need. He letz me sleeps in teh sunni spot an has liek nice watterz ovar thar. —Psalms 23:1-2

Wen dey wer nommin Happy Cat taek teh cheezburger an brek it, an he sez, “Taek dis cheezburger an eet it, cuz dis liek mah bodi. But dun reely nom me. Just nom teh cheezburger an pretend it mah bodi. K?” —Mark 14:22

Conservative Bible Project

He replied, “You lawyers will be accountable too! For you impose burdensome regulations on others, but will not lift a finger to help those who struggle with them.” —Luke 11:46

Cockney Lord’s Prayer

Guv, please give us some Uncle Fred, and enough grub and stuff to keep us going today, and we hope you’ll forgive us when we cock things up, just like we’re supposed to forgive them who annoy us and do dodgy stuff to us…You’re the Boss, God, and will be for ever, innit? —Matthew 6:9-13

The Hipster Book of Job

And Job was like, “What you did to me was pretty effed up. But these are some pretty deep words. I’m sorry I was such a little bitch.” And God was like, “Ain’t no thing.” —Job 42:1-6

The Manga Bible

Cain: Whassup, bro? I’ve got something I wanna show you in my farm.

Abel: Sounds interesting…What is it?

Cain: Your death, you smug *$!@%!

—Genesis 4:8

Da Jesus Book (Hawaiian Pidgin)

God wen make um all: all kine wild animals, an all kine animals dat live wit peopo, an all da small kine animals dat run aroun on top da groun. An God look da animals, an he tell, “Real, real good, all dat!” —Genesis 1:24-25

Technical Slang Bible

At time t = 0, Elohiym implemented the heavens and Earth…And Elohiym said, “Let there be electromagnetic radiation,” and there was electromagnetic radiation. —Genesis 1:1-3

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That’s what a civil rights lawyer wrote to Julia Lurie, the day after her major investigation into a psychiatric hospital chain that uses foster children as “cash cows” published, letting her know he was using her findings that same day in a hearing to keep a child out of one of the facilities we investigated.

That’s awesome. As is the fact that Julia, who spent a full year reporting this challenging story, promptly heard from a Senate committee that will use her work in their own investigation of Universal Health Services. There’s no doubt her revelations will continue to have a big impact in the months and years to come.

Like another story about Mother Jones’ real-world impact.

This one, a multiyear investigation, published in 2021, exposed conditions in sugar work camps in the Dominican Republic owned by Central Romana—the conglomerate behind brands like C&H and Domino, whose product ends up in our Hershey bars and other sweets. A year ago, the Biden administration banned sugar imports from Central Romana. And just recently, we learned of a previously undisclosed investigation from the Department of Homeland Security, looking into working conditions at Central Romana. How big of a deal is this?

“This could be the first time a corporation would be held criminally liable for forced labor in their own supply chains,” according to a retired special agent we talked to.

Wow.

And it is only because Mother Jones is funded primarily by donations from readers that we can mount ambitious, yearlong—or more—investigations like these two stories that are making waves.

About that: It’s unfathomably hard in the news business right now, and we came up about $28,000 short during our recent fall fundraising campaign. We simply have to make that up soon to avoid falling further behind than can be made up for, or needing to somehow trim $1 million from our budget, like happened last year.

If you can, please support the reporting you get from Mother Jones—that exists to make a difference, not a profit—with a donation of any amount today. We need more donations than normal to come in from this specific blurb to help close our funding gap before it gets any bigger.

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WHO DOESN’T LOVE A POSITIVE STORY—OR TWO?

“Great journalism really does make a difference in this world: it can even save kids.”

That’s what a civil rights lawyer wrote to Julia Lurie, the day after her major investigation into a psychiatric hospital chain that uses foster children as “cash cows” published, letting her know he was using her findings that same day in a hearing to keep a child out of one of the facilities we investigated.

That’s awesome. As is the fact that Julia, who spent a full year reporting this challenging story, promptly heard from a Senate committee that will use her work in their own investigation of Universal Health Services. There’s no doubt her revelations will continue to have a big impact in the months and years to come.

Like another story about Mother Jones’ real-world impact.

This one, a multiyear investigation, published in 2021, exposed conditions in sugar work camps in the Dominican Republic owned by Central Romana—the conglomerate behind brands like C&H and Domino, whose product ends up in our Hershey bars and other sweets. A year ago, the Biden administration banned sugar imports from Central Romana. And just recently, we learned of a previously undisclosed investigation from the Department of Homeland Security, looking into working conditions at Central Romana. How big of a deal is this?

“This could be the first time a corporation would be held criminally liable for forced labor in their own supply chains,” according to a retired special agent we talked to.

Wow.

And it is only because Mother Jones is funded primarily by donations from readers that we can mount ambitious, yearlong—or more—investigations like these two stories that are making waves.

About that: It’s unfathomably hard in the news business right now, and we came up about $28,000 short during our recent fall fundraising campaign. We simply have to make that up soon to avoid falling further behind than can be made up for, or needing to somehow trim $1 million from our budget, like happened last year.

If you can, please support the reporting you get from Mother Jones—that exists to make a difference, not a profit—with a donation of any amount today. We need more donations than normal to come in from this specific blurb to help close our funding gap before it gets any bigger.

payment methods

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