March 11, 2018

Robert Mueller Was ‘The Bachelor’ In SNL’s Hilarious Cold Open Last Night

“I don’t think I can give you everything that you want right now, and I think you sense that.”

Saturday Night Live mashed up two of America’s favorite reality shows for its cold open this week: We get a taste of special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation of the Trump’s White House reenvisioned as if it were the finale of The Bachelor. 

The sketch mimics The Bachelor‘s season finale. For those of you who don’t keep up with the show, the star couldn’t make up his mind between the two contestants, and went on to break up with his declared winner in a painfully awkward scene. SNL has just a slight change in casting: Kate McKinnon plays Robert Mueller opposite Becca, the dumped Bachelor contestant played by Cecil Strong.

McKinnon’s Mueller can’t promise Becca that he will charge Trump with collusion in his investigation into Russia’s alleged interference in the US election, because he can’t get obstruction of justice off his mind.

“I don’t think I can give you everything that you want right now, and I think you sense that,” McKinnon’s Mueller says. 

Distraught, Becca replies, “So what? You don’t have Trump on collusion?”

McKinnon’s Mueller offers a number of canned reasons for why he won’t commit. “I think I need to explore the possibility that I might have a stronger case with some other stuff.” 

Trump hasn’t yet reacted publicly to the sketch, but it’s probably not going to help the fact that he’s been furious at SNL over Alec Baldwin’s impressions of him.

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WHO DOESN’T LOVE A POSITIVE STORY—OR TWO?

“Great journalism really does make a difference in this world: it can even save kids.”

That’s what a civil rights lawyer wrote to Julia Lurie, the day after her major investigation into a psychiatric hospital chain that uses foster children as “cash cows” published, letting her know he was using her findings that same day in a hearing to keep a child out of one of the facilities we investigated.

That’s awesome. As is the fact that Julia, who spent a full year reporting this challenging story, promptly heard from a Senate committee that will use her work in their own investigation of Universal Health Services. There’s no doubt her revelations will continue to have a big impact in the months and years to come.

Like another story about Mother Jones’ real-world impact.

This one, a multiyear investigation, published in 2021, exposed conditions in sugar work camps in the Dominican Republic owned by Central Romana—the conglomerate behind brands like C&H and Domino, whose product ends up in our Hershey bars and other sweets. A year ago, the Biden administration banned sugar imports from Central Romana. And just recently, we learned of a previously undisclosed investigation from the Department of Homeland Security, looking into working conditions at Central Romana. How big of a deal is this?

“This could be the first time a corporation would be held criminally liable for forced labor in their own supply chains,” according to a retired special agent we talked to.

Wow.

And it is only because Mother Jones is funded primarily by donations from readers that we can mount ambitious, yearlong—or more—investigations like these two stories that are making waves.

About that: It’s unfathomably hard in the news business right now, and we came up about $28,000 short during our recent fall fundraising campaign. We simply have to make that up soon to avoid falling further behind than can be made up for, or needing to somehow trim $1 million from our budget, like happened last year.

If you can, please support the reporting you get from Mother Jones—that exists to make a difference, not a profit—with a donation of any amount today. We need more donations than normal to come in from this specific blurb to help close our funding gap before it gets any bigger.

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