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The burning question over whether Prince Harry will attend his father’s big boy party has finally been answered: Yes. Yes, he will.

“Buckingham Palace is pleased to confirm that the Duke of Sussex will attend the Coronation Service at Westminster Abbey on 6 May,” an official statement proclaimed Wednesday. “The Duchess of Sussex will remain in California with Prince Archie and Princess Lilibet.”

For some, the news ends months of feverish speculation over whether Harry would accept the palace’s invitation to join the festivities, which will include three entire days dedicated to fêting Kaiser Wilhelm’s and Tsar Nicholas II’s distant cousin, Charles Philip Arthur George, as he formally ascends to the throne.

But for me, relief has not come. In fact, dire questions abound. Here’s a sampling:

  1. Why is Harry leaving Meghan and the kids behind? We can all assume, with reasonable accuracy, why Meghan would decline the opportunity to mingle with family members the duchess previously claimed have driven her to suicidal loneliness. Who in their right mind would leap at the chance to hang out with people all but certain to gawk at your kids’ skin color? But did the decision come from Monetico?
  2. Or did Daddy instruct his estranged son to leave Meghan and their two children behind?
  3. Does Meghan feel abandoned—or does she believe that the decision is the most drama-free?
  4. Will Harry play a larger role in the events than Prince Andrew, who is reportedly fuming over Charles’ decision to bar him from wearing a gargantuan, ceremonial velvet robe to the family clambake?
  5. How does the 4-year-old, who may not get to attend the big day because of his “past antics,” feel about all of this?

My most unhinged, conspiratorial guess is that Meghan and the president of the United States, who is also skipping the king’s coronation, are collaborating on an “anti-British” scheme that will bring delicious chaos to feed a Spare sequel. Whatever the case, I, your Burn-Down-the-Monarchy correspondent, will be sure to keep tracking the developments of Charles’ big boy party.

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