New Lawsuit: Michael Vick is Going to Need a Bigger Contract

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Spotted on The Corner, the most interesting news story of the day. Reprinted in full:

An offbeat South Carolina prison inmate has filed a handwritten lawsuit seeking $63 quintillion from Michael Vick.

That’s $63,000,000,000,000,000,000.

Or as Jonathan Lee Riches put it in his handwritten lawsuit, “$63,000,000,000 billion.” The suit was filed in the U.S. District Court in Richmond on July 23.

Riches — who has developed an Internet cult following for his propensity to file strange lawsuits naming multiple diverse defendants — claims that Vick stole his pit bulls and sold them on eBay to “use the proceeds to purchase missiles from the Iran government.”

In the complaint, Riches scrawls that “Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes.”

If he wins the lawsuit, Riches says he wants the $63 quintillion delivered in gold and silver to the front gate of the Williamsburg Federal Correctional Facility in South Carolina, where he is housed as he serves a conviction for wire fraud.

In his previous lawsuits — which have never actually made it to court — Riches has sued politicians, entertainers, dead people, corporations and occasionally abstract concepts.

One week before he filed suit against Vick, Riches had filed a suit against three entities — the Jewish Mossad, the Central Intelligence Agency and “Larry King Live.” It was unclear why he was suing them.

In his most noteworthy suit, Riches submitted a 57-page list of defendants that included President Bush, Pope Benedict, actor Tony Danza, Fruit of the Loom, NASCAR, the Ming Dynasty, Skittles candy, the Philadelphia Eagles (2005 roster), the Doobie Brothers, the Congolese Army, the Magna Carta, “WKRP in Cincinnati,” the King’s Dominion amusement park in Virginia, the philosopher Plato, and the Liberty Bell.

He claimed they collectively owed him money.

First of all, shame on the news media for using a man who is clearly mentally disturbed to entertain their readers. Second of all, what could anyone have against the Magna Carta? Or Skittles?

Update: Found the pdf of Riches v. Bush, et al. The list of defendants is pure comic genius.

UPDATE Update: Found the handwritten Riches v. Vick.

TOO MANY UPDATES: Just a few days ago, Riches sued Barry Bonds, Bud Selig, and “Hank Aaron’s Bat”! And look who’s mixed up in their nefarious business [pdf]:

Mr. Selig has been secretly giving Barry Bonds steroids for over 9 years under the supervision of Sammy Sosa. Mr. Selig on 2 occations [sic] (Dec. 10th 2001, Feb 6th, 2003) met Mr. Bonds at the I-70 Steak N Shake, Booth #11, made an under the table cream exchange, needles, HGH, as Mr. Bonds provided Mr. Selig 22 thousand for his services. I planted a bug in booth #10, Robert Novak and Judith Miller have copies of the transcripts.

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This is no time to come up short. It's time to fight like hell, as our namesake would tell us to do, for a democracy where minority rule cannot impose an extreme agenda, where facts matter, and where accountability has a chance at the polls and in the press. If you value our reporting and you can right now, please help us dig out of the $100,000 hole we're starting our new budgeting cycle in with an always-needed and always-appreciated donation today.

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