Well, it looks like it’s official. Despite our considerable efforts, Mother Jones is getting no federal bailout funds. According to YooJin Na at the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency, “your organization is not eligible for the TARP-CPP.” Supportively, he included a link to the Treasury Department’s special Emergency Economic Stabilization Act website.
But that’s only one G-man’s opinion—we have yet to hear the verdict from the other places we applied. So there’s still hope.
Like Matthew Lesko and Edwardsville, Alabama, we know there’s got to be federal money for everyone somewhere. We’ve condensed the already pretty effortless Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP) application process below, so you too can test your luck.
Apply for your bailout, in two frighteningly easy steps:
1. Fill out this form.
2. Email it to the Federal Deposition Insurance Corporation at email@example.com, the Office of Thrift Supervision at firstname.lastname@example.org, the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency at Customer.Assistance@occ.treas.gov, or the Federal Reserve. Try all four to maximize your odds.
It pays to take your chances: 27 minutes for a possible 30-billion-dollar payout. That’s sure better than than waiting tables.
—Alexis Fitts and Daniel Luzer