Top 5 Christmas Conspiracies of 2009

Photo used under a Creatives Commons license by Flickr user <a href="" target="_blank">sister72</a>

The War on Christmas died a quiet death in 2009, according to Slate‘s Chris Beam. He’s right, to a point: The righteous anger at retail outlets that used the phrase “happy holidays” is, (mostly) a thing of the past. But in its wake a new kind of conflict has arisen, that, in its idiosyncrasies and insanity, bears witness to where the nation’s political pulse has been and is going. The War on Christmas hasn’t ended. It’s just been teabagged.


Let’s roll the tape:


The Holy Census: This winter, civil rights groups sought to raise awareness (and allay concerns) about the 2010 Census by highlighting the role of government record-keeping in the birth of Christ (Joseph and Mary were in Bethlehem for a Roman census). What could go wrong? I’ll let the Free Republic respond:  “How come whenever a group of God hating, sacrilegious, communist, dictatorial, bureaucratic, evil, unscrupulous, conniving atheists invoke the name of Jesus I find myself questioning their motives?”

The Copenhagen Conspiracy: The UN deliberately scheduled its climate change conference in Denmark to coincide with the Christmas season, as an affront to Christians—this according to Tomasz Teluk, a Polish economic analyst, who disclosed the conspiracy in a Warsaw daily earlier this month.


The Ben Nelson Christmas Special: For conservatives, this Christmas season happened to coincide with an utterly catastrophic debate over health care reform; while this was happening, centrist Democrat Ben Nelson was publicly opposing the bill, because that’s what Ben Nelson does. But maybe there was some other secret motive the media (and Nelson) weren’t talking about? Cue Fox News legal analyst Peter Johnson: “[Nelson is] saying, implicitly, the true meaning of Christmas is that you don’t destroy babies. You don’t destroy children.”


Obama vs. Charlie Brown: Ben Nelson wouldn’t need to send implicit messages about Christmas’ true meaning if everyone had already watched A Charlie Brown Christmas. However, according to Russell Wiseman, mayor of Arlington, Tenn., that was impossible because President Barack Obama deliberately scheduled his major policy speech on Afghanistan to coincide with the movie’s December 1 broadcast. Fortunately Glenn Beck, as he is wont to do, saved Christmas by recording for posterity his own rendition of Linus’ monologue from the movie.


Desiree Rogers, Grinch: Responding to a report that the White House social secretary had nixed plans for a White House nativity scene, Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League, declared that the administration was trying to “neuter” the holiday: “If the Obamas want to deprive their children of celebrating Christmas, that is their business. It is the business of the public to hold them accountable for the way they celebrate Christmas in the White House.” Truth to power.


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