Editors’ note: Mother Jones illustrator Zina Saunders creates editorial animations riffing on the political news and current events of the week. In this week’s animation, new GOP contender Gov. Rick Perry consults with his chief advisor and star of his recent Christians-only prayerfest—God. As always, that’s Saunders doing the voices. Sound effects are courtesy of freesound.org.
Read the prayer’s hilarious transcript:
Omnipotent One Whose Secret Words Only I Can Hear and Interpret, I promise to slash the size of government just like I have in Texas, where government spending and debt has almost doubled in the 11 years I’ve been governor.
O Big Man in the Sky Who Can Kick The Ass of All Other Gods, I promise to focus on jobs, like we do in Texas, where more of our workers earn the minimum wage than in any other state.
O Magical Daddy Who I Must Obey If I Know What’s Good For Me, I promise to keep cutting taxes on corporations and rich people by slashing school budgets and using phony accounting gimmicks.
O Secret Henchman Who Wreaks Revenge on Anyone Who Gets On My Nerves, I promise to bring to the nation the educational results we have in Texas, where we are ranked 47th in literacy.
O Jumbo Being Who Cannot Be Detected in Any Way, But Who I Not Only Detect But Speak For, I promise to force vaccines on children, especially vaccines made by drug companies that give me campaign contributions and hire my staff to lobby for them.
O Invisible Friend Who Only I Am Seeing at the Moment, I promise to shrink government but impose mandatory ultrasounds on women trying to get abortions.
O Incomprehensible Giant Guy Who Despite My Lack of Education or Insight I Am Able to Comprehend (and Translate For), I promise to oppose and criminalize everything gay.
O Unproveable One Who I Can Use as Validation for Doing or Saying Anything I Want, I promise to make schools teach Intelligent Design as a legitimate scientific alternative to evolution.
O Best Friend in the Sky Who Passes Me Secret Notes, I promise to fight against the global warming hoax being perpetrated by evil scientists and government bad guys!