“Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”: Precursor to “Jimmy Carter: Space-Troll Grundle-Puncher”?

Yes.Photo courtesy of 20th Century Fox ; <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:JimmyCarterPortrait2.jpg">Department of Defense</a>

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
20th Century Fox
105 minutes

If you don’t appreciate Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter then you don’t appreciate what makes America great.

It’s exuberant and obscenely fun, plugging away at one big, fat, giddy premise. The vamp-loaded 3D action sequences (orchestrated with a honed shamelessness by director Timur Bekmambetov) are sublime, mainly due to the fact that you get to see the Great Emancipator balletically wreck legions of blood-suckers through the art of ax-twirling and kung fu. The movie also has the greatest stampede scene since Simba got his life ruined in The Gorge; one that involves the vampire who murdered Lincoln’s mom throwing full-grown horses at a young and vengeful Abe.

But aside from being a wild kick of escapist, blood-mottled fun (tepid critical reception be damned), the film opens up a world of possibilities: A movie franchise in which Hollywood would honor every single American president with a gore-soaked retelling:

1. George Washington: Acid-Pterosaur Poacher. He resigns his commission in 1783…while fighting off flying reptiles that spew acid at the behest of a bitter British elite. 

2. John Adams: Mummy Shanker. Launches an undeclared naval war against the French Republic. Unbeknowst to his cabinet, Adams stabs mummified demons in his spare hours.

3. Thomas Jefferson: Big-Pimpin’ Zombie Drop-Kicker. Completely dominates Islamist bandits centuries before it was cool. (Spoiler: The bandits all turn out to be zombies.)

4. James Madison: Nunchuck Crusader. Successfully beats back British advances during the War of 1812 with political savvy. And barbwire-covered nunchucks.

5. James Monroe: Cthulhu Pile-Driver. Shepherds the country through the Panic of 1819, which, as it turns out, was actually started by Cthulhu (a Federalist supporter).

6. – 27. [TBD, folks.]

28. Woodrow Wilson: Werecat Quasher. Pushes through the Sedition Act of 1918 as a means to crack down on the werecat insurgency. (The move is however widely misinterpreted as an effort to crush anti-war dissent.)

29. Warren G. Harding: The Man Who Tamed The Hulk. Goes down in history as America’s first black president. Also, Warren challenges The Hulk to a cage match. Just cuz.

30. Calvin Coolidge: Ghost Killah. Neutralizes brutish ghouls while not talking to anybody, ever.

31. Herbert Hoover: Shark Wrestler. Spends the first years of the Great Depression wrestling sharks, thus becoming a tragic and hated hero.

32. Franklin Roosevelt: Chupacabra DominatorTeams up with Churchill and Stalin in order to trounce chupacabra incursions into Western Europe and the Far East.

33. Harry Truman: Giant-Preying-Mantis Exterminator. Simply put: The bug stops here.

34. Dwight Eisenhower: Leviathan Conquerer. Threatens to drop nuclear bombs on Leviathan-harboring Asia.

35. John Kennedy: Cyborg Enabler. Uses the Central Intelligence Agency to install the ultimate Arab nationalist cyborg, S.A.D.D.A.M.

36. Lyndon Johnson: Gorgon SubjugatorBullies gorgons into voting for legislation he wants passed.

37. Richard Nixon: Ogre Blaster. Violates the Logan Act, betrays America, and prolongs the Vietnam War, all in a desperate attemp to vanquish ogres.

38. Gerald Ford: Griffin Exploder. Wakes up, signs the Helsinki Accords, kills griffins with dynamite, falls back asleep.

39. Jimmy Carter: Villainous Space-Troll Grundle-Puncher. Deregulates the beer industry, nut-punches space trolls. Basically the best president ever.

40. Ronald Reagan: Warlock Devourer. When he’s not eliminating some nuclear missiles or murdering El Salvadoran families, he eats male witches for sport.

41. George H. W. Bush: Dragon Aggravator. Invades Panama in order to blast Van Halen songs at a pissed off, drug-trafficking dragon.

42. Bill Clinton: Medusa Punisher. You know what this is.

43. George W. Bush: Minotaur Tickler. He fucking ruins fucking everything. Luckily, “everything” includes jihadist minotaurs.

44. Barack Obama: Kraken Strangler. Somali pirates, Bin Laden, Qaddafi, yet more Somali pirates, Kraken.

But for now, I guess we’ll all just have to make due with just this one:

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter gets a wide release on Friday, June 22. The film is rated R for violence throughout and brief sexuality. Click here to get local showtimes and tickets.

Click here for more movie and TV features from Mother Jones. To read more of Asawin’s reviews, click here.


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