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“Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”: Precursor to “Jimmy Carter: Space-Troll Grundle-Puncher”?
If you don’t appreciate Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter then you don’t appreciate what makes America great.
It’s exuberant and obscenely fun, plugging away at one big, fat, giddy premise. The vamp-loaded 3D action sequences (orchestrated with a honed shamelessness by director Timur Bekmambetov) are sublime, mainly due to the fact that you get to see the Great Emancipator balletically wreck legions of blood-suckers through the art of ax-twirling and kung fu. The movie also has the greatest stampede scene since Simba got his life ruined in The Gorge; one that involves the vampire who murdered Lincoln’s mom throwing full-grown horses at a young and vengeful Abe.
But aside from being a wild kick of escapist, blood-mottled fun (tepid critical reception be damned), the film opens up a world of possibilities: A movie franchise in which Hollywood would honor every single American president with a gore-soaked retelling:
1.George Washington: Acid-Pterosaur Poacher. He resigns his commission in 1783…while fighting off flying reptiles that spew acid at the behest of a bitter British elite.
2.John Adams: Mummy Shanker. Launches an undeclared naval war against the French Republic. Unbeknowst to his cabinet, Adams stabs mummified demons in his spare hours.
3.Thomas Jefferson: Big-Pimpin’ Zombie Drop-Kicker. Completely dominates Islamist bandits centuries before it was cool. (Spoiler: The bandits all turn out to be zombies.)
4.James Madison: Nunchuck Crusader. Successfully beats back British advances during the War of 1812 with political savvy. And barbwire-covered nunchucks.
28. Woodrow Wilson: Werecat Quasher. Pushes through the Sedition Act of 1918 as a means to crack down on the werecat insurgency. (The move is however widely misinterpreted as an effort to crush anti-war dissent.)
29.Warren G. Harding: The Man Who Tamed The Hulk. Goes down in history as America’s first black president. Also, Warren challenges The Hulk to a cage match. Just cuz.
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