Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
20th Century Fox
If you don’t appreciate Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter then you don’t appreciate what makes America great.
It’s exuberant and obscenely fun, plugging away at one big, fat, giddy premise. The vamp-loaded 3D action sequences (orchestrated with a honed shamelessness by director Timur Bekmambetov) are sublime, mainly due to the fact that you get to see the Great Emancipator balletically wreck legions of blood-suckers through the art of ax-twirling and kung fu. The movie also has the greatest stampede scene since Simba got his life ruined in The Gorge; one that involves the vampire who murdered Lincoln’s mom throwing full-grown horses at a young and vengeful Abe.
But aside from being a wild kick of escapist, blood-mottled fun (tepid critical reception be damned), the film opens up a world of possibilities: A movie franchise in which Hollywood would honor every single American president with a gore-soaked retelling:
1. George Washington: Acid-Pterosaur Poacher. He resigns his commission in 1783…while fighting off flying reptiles that spew acid at the behest of a bitter British elite.
2. John Adams: Mummy Shanker. Launches an undeclared naval war against the French Republic. Unbeknowst to his cabinet, Adams stabs mummified demons in his spare hours.
3. Thomas Jefferson: Big-Pimpin’ Zombie Drop-Kicker. Completely dominates Islamist bandits centuries before it was cool. (Spoiler: The bandits all turn out to be zombies.)
4. James Madison: Nunchuck Crusader. Successfully beats back British advances during the War of 1812 with political savvy. And barbwire-covered nunchucks.
5. James Monroe: Cthulhu Pile-Driver. Shepherds the country through the Panic of 1819, which, as it turns out, was actually started by Cthulhu (a Federalist supporter).
6. – 27. [TBD, folks.]
28. Woodrow Wilson: Werecat Quasher. Pushes through the Sedition Act of 1918 as a means to crack down on the werecat insurgency. (The move is however widely misinterpreted as an effort to crush anti-war dissent.)
29. Warren G. Harding: The Man Who Tamed The Hulk. Goes down in history as America’s first black president. Also, Warren challenges The Hulk to a cage match. Just cuz.
30. Calvin Coolidge: Ghost Killah. Neutralizes brutish ghouls while not talking to anybody, ever.
31. Herbert Hoover: Shark Wrestler. Spends the first years of the Great Depression wrestling sharks, thus becoming a tragic and hated hero.
32. Franklin Roosevelt: Chupacabra Dominator. Teams up with Churchill and Stalin in order to trounce chupacabra incursions into Western Europe and the Far East.
33. Harry Truman: Giant-Preying-Mantis Exterminator. Simply put: The bug stops here.
34. Dwight Eisenhower: Leviathan Conquerer. Threatens to drop nuclear bombs on Leviathan-harboring Asia.
35. John Kennedy: Cyborg Enabler. Uses the Central Intelligence Agency to install the ultimate Arab nationalist cyborg, S.A.D.D.A.M.
36. Lyndon Johnson: Gorgon Subjugator. Bullies gorgons into voting for legislation he wants passed.
37. Richard Nixon: Ogre Blaster. Violates the Logan Act, betrays America, and prolongs the Vietnam War, all in a desperate attemp to vanquish ogres.
38. Gerald Ford: Griffin Exploder. Wakes up, signs the Helsinki Accords, kills griffins with dynamite, falls back asleep.
39. Jimmy Carter: Villainous Space-Troll Grundle-Puncher. Deregulates the beer industry, nut-punches space trolls. Basically the best president ever.
40. Ronald Reagan: Warlock Devourer. When he’s not eliminating some nuclear missiles or murdering El Salvadoran families, he eats male witches for sport.
41. George H. W. Bush: Dragon Aggravator. Invades Panama in order to blast Van Halen songs at a pissed off, drug-trafficking dragon.
42. Bill Clinton: Medusa Punisher. You know what this is.
43. George W. Bush: Minotaur Tickler. He fucking ruins fucking everything. Luckily, “everything” includes jihadist minotaurs.
44. Barack Obama: Kraken Strangler. Somali pirates, Bin Laden, Qaddafi, yet more Somali pirates, Kraken.
But for now, I guess we’ll all just have to make due with just this one:
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter gets a wide release on Friday, June 22. The film is rated R for violence throughout and brief sexuality. Click here to get local showtimes and tickets.
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