The Collected Poems of the Affordable Care Act

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The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, signed into law by President Obama in 2010, was an attempt by Democratic lawmakers to reform the health care system by creating an individual mandate to purchase insurance. But since then, the law has morphed into a specter seemingly larger. It is alternatively an abomination and a document worthy of adulation; the death of the Democratic Party and the yoke by which it will cling to power; the socialization of medicine and a gift-basket to private insurers.

Do these pundits contradict themselves? Very well then, they contradict themselves—Obamacare is fractal; it contains multitudes. As a service to our readers, we have rearranged the most vivid and hyperbolic descriptions of the Affordable Care Act below as a collection of short poems. Read them in your best Donald Berwick voice:

 

I.

Obamacare is barreling down on us,

like a jet landing into San Francisco,

or a cat with nine lives—

neither alive nor completely dead.

Obamacare is a zombie,

it will nationalize our soul.

Obamacare is a big fucking deal.

 

II.

Obamacare is a crack pipe.

Obamacare is addictive.

Obamacare is the Titanic.

Obamacare is the iceberg.

Obamacare is the DMV.

Obamacare is slavery.

 

III.

Obamacare is fascism.

like the Jews boarding the trains to concentration camps,

like a failed rental car reservation,

like pressing the button for the elevator and stepping forward before the car arrives;

Obamacare is a locomotive.

It is a trainwreck.

 

IV.

Obamacare is Apple.

Obamacare is an iPad.

Obamacare is a broken iPhone app.

Obamacare is a Ford Pinto.

Obamacare is New Coke.

Obamacare is Alex Rodriguez.

Obamacare is a sharknado.

 

V.

It is an ugly, socially awkward kid who transfers into grade school at mid-year,

and then spends the rest of the semester eating alone in the cafeteria while being giggled about,

by all the other pupils.

Obamacare will question your sex life.

Revolutionary wars have been fought over less.

 

VI.

Obamacare is like a box of chocolates.

Obamacare is Waterloo.

Obamacare is the Iraq War,

or its domestic equivalent.

Obamacare will kill more people than 9/11.

Obamacare is the War of Yankee Aggression,

Obamacare is the hill to die on,

Obamacare is Gettysburg.

Obamacare is the Fourth of July.

Obamacare is Christmas,

like being forced to purchase a book of cowboy poetry,

or a Barry Manilow album.

Obamcare is like this health insurance/medical aid kind of thing,

like a military draft.

Obamacare is the best bill you could have passed.

Obamacare is here to stay.

Obamacare will survive.

Obamacare is the moon.

 

VII.

Obamacare is like the inside of a clock.

Obamacare is a malignant tumor.

Obamacare is an abscessed tooth.

Obamacare is like getting teeth pulled without novocain.

Obamacare is 17th-century Britain.

Obamacare is the first thing Hitler did.

Obamacare is a civil rights struggle.

Obamacare is a lemon.

Obamacare is the law of the land.

 

VIII.

Obamacare is the Right’s worst nightmare.

Obamacare will live in infamy.

Obamacare is like kale.

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WE CAME UP SHORT.

We just wrapped up a shorter-than-normal, urgent-as-ever fundraising drive and we came up about $45,000 short of our $300,000 goal.

That means we're going to have upwards of $350,000, maybe more, to raise in online donations between now and June 30, when our fiscal year ends and we have to get to break-even. And even though there's zero cushion to miss the mark, we won't be all that in your face about our fundraising again until June.

So we urgently need this specific ask, what you're reading right now, to start bringing in more donations than it ever has. The reality, for these next few months and next few years, is that we have to start finding ways to grow our online supporter base in a big way—and we're optimistic we can keep making real headway by being real with you about this.

Because the bottom line: Corporations and powerful people with deep pockets will never sustain the type of journalism Mother Jones exists to do. The only investors who won’t let independent, investigative journalism down are the people who actually care about its future—you.

And we hope you might consider pitching in before moving on to whatever it is you're about to do next. We really need to see if we'll be able to raise more with this real estate on a daily basis than we have been, so we're hoping to see a promising start.

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