8 Tips for an Easier Prison Stay
When you might want to feign mental illness in the pokey, and why you never enter someone's cell without permission.
SO THE FEDS NAILED you for insider trading. Or maybe you lied to a grand jury to cover for your boss. Either way, you're about to trade your tailored suit for an orange jumpsuit, and you're freaked. Your trepidation is the livelihood of prison consultants, who, for a fee, will help prepare you for a stint in the pokey. We asked a few of them to share their tips for surviving hard time.
Leggo your ego: Be humble. New prisoners will "lock eyes with the wrong person and have problems," says Steven Oberfest, an ex-bouncer and personal trainer who won't say what he did time for. "This is not Fifth Avenue and their penthouse anymore. They're just a number."
Hard knocks: Never enter someone's cell without permission, says Steve Scholl, a former management consultant who now goes by the moniker Dr. Prison. "It's about respect. People get killed over that."
Presumed innocent: Don't go asking what someone is in for, advises Oberfest. Ask what he's accused of.
Ethnic cleansing: Don't mix with prisoners of other races, Dr. Prison warns. "Things we don't even consider a problem between races here are a very extreme focus inside. If there's a fight, every race needs to depend on their own race to protect them."
Sleeping dogs: "Miserable people want to be miserable...treat them with extreme caution," advises Robert McDorman, a former Texas car dealer who did 26 months for federal bank fraud.
The best defense: Just in case, Oberfest says you must learn to "drop someone incredibly fast."
Unwanted interest: Says Oberfest, "If you bum a smoke and the guy with the cigarettes says, 'Sure, it's a twofer,' you should know a twofer means, 'I give you one for two, so now you owe me.'"
Alone time: Oberfest advises high-profile clients such as politicians to request solitary confinement, or even feign mental illness to get into the psych ward. "If you're segregated, you're going to have a much easier time."
The Mojo Prison Guide Menu
- What Do Prisoners Make for Victoria's Secret?
- Which Works Better Behind Bars, Scuba or Buddha?
- How ex-felons are kept on society's margins
- Lose your ID, go to jail.
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Keep your eyes close. Don't see any thing.
Keep your mouth shut. Don't talk to anyone.
Don't make a best friend.
Don't consider anyone your friend.
You went in alone, you are leaving alone.
This is bull[deleted]
I've been in fed and state and the race thing is the biggest mix. Plus the guy talking about cigarettes doesn't know what he's talking about- no smoking in fed since 2004
People are human beings. In a completely inhuman environment (the architecture, the guards, the system- its amazing how humanity can shine. Prisoners are you're best friends and family in a prison- be a human being and you'll do just fine!
And alway's remember "Dont Drop the Soap" or you'll go in with your butt-hole the size of a dime and come out with one the size of a donut.
I am so glad for this article. It's so essential to us regular MoJo readers. I'm quite sure that hundreds (if not thousands) of us are planning a stint in the pen in the near future. And, as for that list of prison terminology, that is about as useful to me as a used Kleenex.
Um, yeah, thanks for the advice. You never know when you're going to need it. But I've got to agree with Joe. With so many issues that face me on a daily matter, why is Mojo sending out this article on their 'Headlines' e-mail? As informative as it is. Even as the problems with our justice/prison systems are considerable and need addressing.
And thanks for your posts 18 months and Keith.
hey joe you need to read the M.J. Slammed: Welcome to the Age of Incarceration article . more and more people are being jailed for crimes they are unaware they did . the 0 tolerance policy has swug too far . the local news has turned into a crime blotter to intimidate the public . new laws are enacted constantly to invade and opress the general public . when are they ever taken off the books . i am sure everyone reading this has broken a law in the past week .
you could wake up tomorrow in jail .
sleeper says:
"new laws are enacted constantly to invade and opress the general public . when are they ever taken off the books . i am sure everyone reading this has broken a law in the past week .
you could wake up tomorrow in jail".
Gee, I dunno. I am 57 years old and I have gotten through life so far without ever spending even a minute in jail. I don't feel "invaded" or "oppressed" by laws.
I can't think of what law I might have broken in the past week.
But if I wake up in jail tomorrow, sleeper, I'll call you.
I do get allowed one call.
Right ?
Joe< noboby plans it, sorta jus happens.
On the doughnut comment, what type of doughnut are we talking? Are we talking honey buns or something smaller like a regular glazed? As long as it's not cream filled or jelly, I think we're good.
On the whole doughnut thing (or doughnut hole thing). Either way you're looking at a cream or jelly filling.
When I was in jail back in
When I was in jail back in 05, it was pretty rough.. I remember I used a guide called survive jail .. I think the link was http://www.survivejail.info
Good luck for anyone going to prison.
I would wish to anyone to
I would wish to anyone to honor the law just to do not learn these terrible rules. I think jail is not very good or simply good place where there is not good electronics, books or communication with relatives. Be carefull.
