Warm, Fuzzy Satanists

| Wed Jul. 9, 2008 5:30 PM EDT

satanist150.jpgSome divorced couples argue over whether their kids should have dessert. Some over homework.

And some argue over whether their kids should be brought up Satanist.

From the Chicago Tribune comes the story of an Indiana mom who wants a court to make her Devil-worshiping ex-husband take her kids to Christian church. Long story short, Satanists are not exactly the role models she had in mind for her offspring. But the Beelzebub fans themselves say she's got them all wrong. From a related Trib blog post:

"Some of your readers might wonder what exposure to Satanism might do to a developing child," Gilmore said. "I recognized myself as a Satanist at age 13 and was subsequently the valedictorian of my high school class in 1976, being quite open about my religion."

Uh, yeah, Gilmore? Chris Kattan wants his material back.

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Guessing correctly that folks would be eager to voice their opinions about raising Satanist children, the Trib has opened the comment floodgates. But before you make up your mind as to whether dude should have to hand his kids over to the other team every week, I recommend you take a gander at the Church of Satan website. If you hope like I did that there will be a lot of black, purple, and Latin, you're in for a real treat.

But beneath all that JavaScript of darkness, Satanists, it turns out, are just a bunch of ol' softies. "Satanism isn't about taking drugs, and it isn't about harming animals or children," says a document called the Youth Communiqué. And they like you for what's on the inside:

It doesn't matter what kind of music you like to listen to; it doesn't make any difference whether you prefer gothic music, black metal music, classical music, old popular tunes, show tunes, or many different types of music. It doesn't matter what style of clothes you like to wear. You don't have to wear black, or t-shirts with "Heavy Metal" band logos, or trench coats.

The Satanists are also total pragmatists. For example, they're up front about the fact that, let's face it, not every kid's allowance will stretch far enough to cover the pageantry of full-on devil-worshiping ceremonies. "Maybe you don't have the money to obtain—or the private space to store—items such as swords, chalices, black robes, gongs, and elaborate altars...Sometimes the most effective ritual chamber is found in your own imagination..."

Like, wow. You know who else wants his material back? Mister Rogers.

Dunno about y'all, but I'm thinking this all sounds pretty G rated.

Image from churchofsatan.com

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