To deal with an increasingly testy Russia that is resistant to the idea of its neighbor joining the EU and doesn't hesitate to shut off regional gas lines in the dead of winter, Ukraine needs Hurricane Ditka. A man who broke his own hand punching a locker during a halftime tirade and spit a wad of gum on a heckler yet is cool enough to tell reporters he'd "never been upset in his life" could do the Super Bowl Shuffle all over Vladimir Putin in multilateral talks.

Unlike Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko, who was mysteriously poisoned with dioxin in 2004 (a KGB method of assassination), we don't have to worry about Ditka's safety—he's spent the last twelve years building up an immunity to dioxin (not true). This is the Navy and Orange Revolution, baby!

Of course, Obama will have to bury the hatchet before hiring Ditka, who considered running against him for the Senate in 2004 and describes himself as an "ultra-ultra-conservative." Yet Ditka will bring his personal credo—A.C.E.: Attitude, Character, and Enthusiasm—to the job.

Relations should be cozy for Ambassador Ditka, as President Viktor Yushchenko's wife is from Chicago, and Ukraine's first family has visited the windy city. Imagine the peacemaking possibilities of polish sausage at state dinner, and Bill, Carl, Todd, and Pat as political talking heads. Plus, Ditka, like many Eastern Europeans, has a totally killer mustache. It won't be long before they rename the country Dit-kraine.

This month former US figure skater Michelle Kwan will visit Ukraine in her role as a State Department envoy to Ukraine, continuing the tradition of athletes in international relations. Who knows? After the Honorable Iron Mike Ditka, could we see the stony face of the Honorable Lovie Smith, a Texan, presiding over an end to the drug violence in Mexico?