Here Is My Idea to Make Fast Food Great Again


Did I ever mention that I finally finished my quest to eat at all of our great nation’s top 50 fast food joints? Well, I did, except for eight places that don’t have any outlets in Southern California. However, every one of them seems to have set up shop in Phoenix, so someday maybe I’ll have to spend a week there to truly cross off my entire list.

This whole exercise probably sounded like a dumb idea to most of you, and I guess it was. I can’t say that any of the new places I tried really entranced me—not even internet fave Chipotle. However, it did provide me with the inspiration for a whole new chain of restaurants. Here’s a mockup of the menu board for my idea:

You see, it turns out that a burger is a burger. I know many of you will howl in disagreement, but you’re wrong. The difference between the best burger I tasted and the worst burger was barely worth worrying about. However, the fries were all over the map. Some were horrible. Some were OK. A few were fairly good. But none of them was truly great.

So what we need is a place that specializes in fries and really does them right. For the health conscious among you, order the shoestrings cooked in canola oil. For the rest of us, who understand that health conscious people shouldn’t eat at fast food burger joints in the first place, we can order something better, cooked in beef tallow and topped with whatever strikes your fancy.

There will still be burgers and other stuff, of course. My restaurant just won’t make a big deal out of them. It’s a burger. Or a hot dog. Or a sandwich. Or whatever. It’ll be fine.

Anyway, I offer this idea free of charge to anyone who wants to become a millionaire. My only condition is that the first outlet open in Irvine, California. Everything else is up to you. Any takers?