This Is My Last Chance to Give Mike Pompeo My Money

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The former secretary of state didn't want me to miss out on a 13X match!Pablo Martinez Monsivais/AP

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I got an email yesterday from Mike Pompeo. He was writing on behalf of the NRCC—the House Republican campaign arm—with some troubling news. “I’ll level with you,” the former secretary of state told me. “This isn’t going well, we didn’t get any donations last night.”

But all was not lost! Pompeo said that after some begging, anonymous GOP donors agreed to offer—for one day only!—a “13X MATCH” on any contributions I sent their way. Time was of the essence. “Tomorrow, I predict we will go back to 12x match, so act now,” he urged. “This is our last chance to save our country.”

I didn’t write back right away, which was a good thing, because 90 minutes later I got another email from the NRCC, with an even better offer. “RARE 14x MATCH,” the message read.

So, what happened? “We were SUPPOSED to go back to 1200% or 1300% matching today,” the GOP fundraiser explained, “but we’ve convinced our generous donors to extend their match because…YOU STILL HAVEN’T JOINED! We need you.”

Ah.

It went on like this.

4:31 pm: “Emergency 14X Match.”

7:34 pm: “FINAL 15X MATCH.” (“I’m giving my bosses 1 more grassroots fundraising update in the morning and I want to make sure your name was included on my report,” wrote “Taylor from House Republicans HQ.”)

1:01 am: “FINAL 14X MATCH…ONE. LAST. CHANCE.”

By 8:30 this morning, the news was increasingly dire. House Republicans HQ sent an “Urgent Update” to inform me that “House Republicans are BEHIND in many battleground races” and that “conservative voter turnout is LOWER than normal in key regions.”

Fortunately, the solution to this crisis was clear: “A group of top patriots has decided to 1400% EMERGENCY MATCH all donations for the next 14 minutes.” And no pressure or anything, but “victory or defeat and the future of our country rest on your shoulders.”

But wait! you are no doubt wondering. Didn’t Mike Pompeo predict that by today, we would “go back to 12x match”?

Hmmm. This is all a bit disconcerting. If I can’t rely on the GOP to tell me the truth about 13X contribution matching programs, can I even believe that House Republicans are really losing all those races?