The GOP Convention FAQ

In which our man Durst answers the people’s most pressing questions about the upcoming Philly hoedown.


Q: Why Philadelphia?

A: Think of Pennsylvania as a swing state in a swing region which the GOP desperately needs to swing to its column come November.


Q: Bad timing with that whole thing with 11 Philly cops kicking the black suspect, eh?

A: Well, the good news is it might give the cops pause and cause the police requisitions officer to only order three tons of pepper gas to use on protesters instead of five.


Q: How will this Republican convention be remembered?

A: Probably as the Stealth Convention. Definitely as “Men In White Shoes And The Women With Big Hair Who Love Them.”


Q: Considering all the security, where’s the most dangerous part of Philly a person could get caught in?

A: With 18,000 media types expected, best avoid the convention center public bathrooms lest you be overcome by the hazardous clouds of TV anchor hairspray.


Q: Where’s the second most dangerous place?

A: Any place where you’ll be caught in the radiation crossfire of 30,000 cell phones being schmoozed at the same time.


Q: Where’s the safest place?

A: Barbara Bush’s bustle.


Q: Who could George W. possibly pick as veep to make him look presidential?

A: Don’t know. Wally Cox is dead. Barney Fife is a fictional character and Elian Gonzalez isn’t old enough.


Q: Who will be the least visible presence in Philadelphia?

A: Newt Gingrich and Dan Quayle.


Q: Who will be the most visible presence in Philadelphia?

A: J.C. Watts and Colin Powell.


Q: Who will be the bad guys at the GOP convention?

A: All the initials: NEA, HUD, HRC, ACLU, AFL-CIO, CPB, IRS, NPR, and TWA. But not WTO, SDI, NAFTA or GATT.


Q: TWA?

A. It’s a luggage thing.


Q: Who will …

A: Ronald Reagan.


Q: You didn’t even hear the question.

A: Didn’t need to.

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