To Serve You Better, I Will Not Appear, but ‘Appear’ at your Life-Changing Event

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Prince Charles ‘Appears’ at an Energy Summit (NY Times)

Prince Charles gave a keynote lecture at a summit meeting on advanced energy technologies in Abu Dhabi on Monday — not in the flesh, but as a three-dimensional hologram. By not flying there and back, he avoided adding about 20 tons of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere (the carbon cost of flying him and his entourage).

Hello, kids. It’s Mommy! I can’t believe you both graduated valedictorian and saved some stinky, homeless losers from a burning flophouse! I’m so proud of you both, I could just cry. But the programmers’ quote for tears was ridiculous. You still want to go to Harvard, right?

Don’t worry—no, please, don’t try to hug the hologram. I know where your hands have been. I’m ‘here.’ Just not here. I love you, Mommy does. I just love the planet more. Were I not menopausal, I could have more kids—but another planet? Be reasonable. Just think; by not driving those five minute down Main Street from home, my entourage and I (you remember Bob the mailman, right? And that cute contractor over-charging the Smiths next door?) have spared our poor planet 1/20,000th of a ton of carbon di-whateverit’s called. You know, the yucky stuff that makes the Earth cry. You don’t want the Earth to cry do you? You do? OK, buck up, kiddies and stop that wailing. I’ll be home soon, I promise. Just as soon as the local Indian casino cuts me off. Mommy can’t be in two places at once, can she? That’s my guys! You are soooo brave. Give Mommy a kiss. I mean, ‘kiss’. Oops, careful. Who put that marble column there? I’ll call Dr. Paul about that contusion tomorrow. Or next week, I promise. That’s better, the bleeding’s stopped, almost.

Here—have some holographic cupcakes. Such a deal I got on the holographic snack options. And NO!, I do not want to hear another word about Janey’s Mom’s famous whole wheat vegan, fako bacon beet juice and quinoa muffins! What harm could a little lard and a lot of high fructose corn syrup do? Besides, I happen to know little Miss Whole Foods drinks tap water. And she’s having an affair. With your art teacher.

Cheer up and remember: this is for the good of the planet. Mommy will ‘see’ you as soon as my ‘entourage’ and I… finish entourag-ing. Kisses!

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ONE MORE QUICK THING:

Our fall fundraising drive is off to a rough start, and we very much need to raise $250,000 in the next couple of weeks. If you value the journalism you get from Mother Jones, please help us do it with a donation today.

As we wrote over the summer, traffic has been down at Mother Jones and a lot of sites with many people thinking news is less important now that Donald Trump is no longer president. But if you're reading this, you're not one of those people, and we're hoping we can rally support from folks like you who really get why our reporting matters right now. And that's how it's always worked: For 45 years now, a relatively small group of readers (compared to everyone we reach) who pitch in from time to time has allowed Mother Jones to do the type of journalism the moment demands and keep it free for everyone else.

Please pitch in with a donation during our fall fundraising drive if you can. We can't afford to come up short, and there's still a long way to go by November 5.

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