Once upon a time a father sat his son on his lap and said, "Son, one day you will have a bottle of wine, but you will not have a corkscrew to open it with. You will look around for some sort of apparatus with which to free the wine from the bottle."
"Daddy, should I use a knife to push the cork into the bottle?"
If you are one of the 27 percent of Americans who believe that aliens have visited Earth but aren't responsible for the disappearance of Malaysia Flight 370, please let me know. I'd love to pick your brain.
Bonus: The new CNN poll asks respondents where they think the plane is. Fifty-one percent of Americans believe the plane is in the Indian Ocean around where the search teams are looking, but 46 percent of Americans think it's "somewhere else." None of the people polled could possibly have any idea where the plane is. The question is itself ridiculous, but maybe more ridiculous is the idea that almost half of America thinks the experts are wrong. "The search teams say it's in that one bit of the Indian Ocean, but I think it's in Canada. Or Hawaii. Or Scotland. Or the moon. Or Benghazi. Why? I've just got a feeling."
The White House Correspondents' Dinner was tonight. President Obama told some jokes. Joel McHale told some jokes. None of these jokes were terribly funny, I thought. They weren't awful, but they weren't great. McHale sort of "went after" the Beltway types in the room (a la Colbert), which was neat, but I don't think the jokes themselves were very funny. But who knows, really. Maybe they were? I don't know. Maybe I'm just not in the right mood.
Here are the videos. Decide for yourself.
I'm genuinely curious what other people thought. Yay/Nay? Let me know in the comments.
Also, if Obama and McHale didn't do it for you, here's the funniest standup ever, Eddie Izzard's Dress to Kill:
The NBA is no longer OK with awful racist Donald Sterling's awful racism.
Commissioner Adam Silver just announced that the Los Angeles Clippers owner has been banned from the NBA for life and fined $2.5 million. Sterling will be banned from all basketball operations and from attending any NBA games.
Further, Silver said he will be urging the NBA Board of Governors to force Sterling to sell the franchise.
Two-and-a-half million is the largest fine allowed by under the NBA's constitution but, as Mother Jones' Ian Gordon points out, it's really just pocket change for him.
"The discipline issued today is based on the Commissioner’s conclusion that Mr. Sterling violated league rules through his expressions of offensive and hurtful views, the impact of which has been widely felt though out the league," the NBA said in a statement.