Genius Conservative Compares Gay Marriage to 9/11, Pearl Harbor


So, you’re a conservative and you’re upset that every state is going to be forced to be nice to gay people, so you take to Twitter to share your outrage and you reach for a simile. Not just any simile but, like, a good simile—one that has a strong tradition and is emotionally evocative and will let everyone know you mean business. Ding! Ding! Ding! You’ve got it!

Now you’re getting those faves, you’re getting those retweets, you’re getting those hateful replies. You’re liking this feeling. You’re flying high. You’re on a cloud. You’re on the moon, my love. You are a starship leaving this goddamned solar system! You want to chase the feeling. You want more. You want to never stop feeling like this. Why would anyone ever want to not feel like this? But how can you top Pearl Harbor?

You know what to do, baby. You know what to do:

Bryan Fischer, ladies and gentleman.