Does Costco Destroy Baby Manatees? MoJo’s Eco-Doom Headline Generator

When climate change takes over, rendering MoJo editors incapable of posting scary stories about how your consumer choices are ruining everything, the Mother Jones Eco-Doom Headline Generator will kick in. Click the big red button to see it in action. (Shameless h/t to BuzzFeed.) Bonus alarmist fun: Hey look, we already wrote a bunch of these!

‘);
headline_element.append(headline_dek);
create_headline_form = jQuery(‘

‘);
create_headline_form.append(jQuery(‘‘));
create_headline_form.append(jQuery(‘‘));
create_headline_form.bind(‘submit’, function() {
display_new_headline();
return false;
});
share_buttons_container = jQuery(‘

‘);

var headline_form_container = jQuery(‘

‘);
headline_form_container.append(create_headline_form);
headline_element.after(headline_form_container);
headline_form_container.after(share_buttons_container);
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_container’).bind(‘mouseover’, function() {
jQuery(document).bind(‘keydown’, keydown_handler);
});
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_container’).bind(‘mouseout’, function() {
jQuery(document).unbind(‘keydown’, keydown_handler);
});
};

var display_new_headline = function() {
var hed_and_url = construct_new_headline()
set_twitter_text(hed_and_url[0], hed_and_url[1]);
set_facebook_text(hed_and_url[0], hed_and_url[1]);
}

var construct_new_headline = function() {
var hed;
if ( Math.random() * 5 > 4 ) {
hed_and_url = new_real_headline()
} else {
hed_and_url = new_random_headline()
}
return [hed_and_url[0], hed_and_url[1]];
}

var new_real_headline = function() {
var hed_num = get_real_row_number();
var hed = ‘‘
+ real_data_store[hed_num].hed
+ ‘‘;
headline_hed.html(hed);
return [real_data_store[hed_num].hed, real_data_store[hed_num].url];
}

var new_random_headline = function() {
var noun_num = get_random_row_number();
var noun = random_data_store[noun_num].noun;
var is_ing = random_data_store[noun_num].takesing.toLowerCase() === ‘yes’;
var verb = random_data_store[get_random_row_number()].verb;
if (is_ing) {
verb = verb.replace(/e$/, ”);
}
var second_noun = random_data_store[get_random_row_number()].secondnoun;
var hed = noun + ‘ ‘ + verb + (is_ing ? ‘ing ‘ : ‘ ‘) + second_noun + ‘?’;
headline_hed.html(hed);
return [hed, ‘http://mojo.ly/Yx9rZM’];
}

set_twitter_text = function(hed, url) {
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_container .hed-twitter-share-button’).remove()
share_buttons_container.append(‘TWEET‘
);
}

var set_facebook_text = function(hed, url) {
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_facebook_like’).remove();
share_buttons_container.append(
jQuery(‘FACEBOOK‘
)
/* jQuery(
‘facebook‘
)
*/
);
}

var get_random_row_number = function() {
return Math.floor(Math.random() * random_rows_length)
}

var get_real_row_number = function() {
return Math.floor(Math.random() * real_rows_length)
}

Tabletop.init({
key: “0AswaDV9q95oZdHpOX2s2MmpsNXR1RXRqNDEtS0FiV1E”,
proxy : ‘https://s3.amazonaws.com/mj-tabletop-proxy’,
wanted: [‘fake’, ‘real’],
callback: function(data) {
random_data_store = data.fake.elements;
real_data_store = data.real.elements;
init_headline_generator();
display_new_headline();
}
});

Meanwhile, the art department is stockpiling graphics for post-climageddon use: