Does Costco Destroy Baby Manatees? MoJo’s Eco-Doom Headline Generator

When climate change takes over, this little robot will carry on if we cannot.

When climate change takes over, rendering MoJo editors incapable of posting scary stories about how your consumer choices are ruining everything, the Mother Jones Eco-Doom Headline Generator will kick in. Click the big red button to see it in action. (Shameless h/t to BuzzFeed.) Bonus alarmist fun: Hey look, we already wrote a bunch of these!

‘);
headline_element.append(headline_dek);
create_headline_form = jQuery(‘

‘);
create_headline_form.append(jQuery(‘‘));
create_headline_form.append(jQuery(‘‘));
create_headline_form.bind(‘submit’, function() {
display_new_headline();
return false;
});
share_buttons_container = jQuery(‘

‘);

var headline_form_container = jQuery(‘

‘);
headline_form_container.append(create_headline_form);
headline_element.after(headline_form_container);
headline_form_container.after(share_buttons_container);
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_container’).bind(‘mouseover’, function() {
jQuery(document).bind(‘keydown’, keydown_handler);
});
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_container’).bind(‘mouseout’, function() {
jQuery(document).unbind(‘keydown’, keydown_handler);
});
};

var keydown_handler = function(e) {
if (e.keyCode === 37) {
display_new_headline();
} else if (e.keyCode === 39) {
display_new_headline();
} else if (e.keyCode === 32) {
display_new_headline();
} else if (e.keyCode === 13) {
display_new_headline();
}
return false;
}

var display_new_headline = function() {
var hed_and_url = construct_new_headline()
set_twitter_text(hed_and_url[0], hed_and_url[1]);
set_facebook_text(hed_and_url[0], hed_and_url[1]);
}

var construct_new_headline = function() {
var hed;
if ( Math.random() * 5 > 4 ) {
hed_and_url = new_real_headline()
} else {
hed_and_url = new_random_headline()
}
return [hed_and_url[0], hed_and_url[1]];
}

var new_real_headline = function() {
var hed_num = get_real_row_number();
var hed = ‘
+ real_data_store[hed_num].hed
+ ‘
‘;
headline_hed.html(hed);
return [real_data_store[hed_num].hed, real_data_store[hed_num].url];
}

var new_random_headline = function() {
var noun_num = get_random_row_number();
var noun = random_data_store[noun_num].noun;
var is_ing = random_data_store[noun_num].takesing.toLowerCase() === ‘yes’;
var verb = random_data_store[get_random_row_number()].verb;
if (is_ing) {
verb = verb.replace(/e$/, ”);
}
var second_noun = random_data_store[get_random_row_number()].secondnoun;
var hed = noun + ‘ ‘ + verb + (is_ing ? ‘ing ‘ : ‘ ‘) + second_noun + ‘?’;
headline_hed.html(hed);
return [hed, ‘http://mojo.ly/Yx9rZM’];
}

set_twitter_text = function(hed, url) {
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_container .hed-twitter-share-button’).remove()
share_buttons_container.append(‘TWEET
);
}

var set_facebook_text = function(hed, url) {
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_facebook_like’).remove();
share_buttons_container.append(
jQuery(‘FACEBOOK
)
/* jQuery(
facebook
)
*/
);
}

var get_random_row_number = function() {
return Math.floor(Math.random() * random_rows_length)
}

var get_real_row_number = function() {
return Math.floor(Math.random() * real_rows_length)
}

Tabletop.init({
key: “0AswaDV9q95oZdHpOX2s2MmpsNXR1RXRqNDEtS0FiV1E”,
proxy : ‘https://s3.amazonaws.com/mj-tabletop-proxy’,
wanted: [‘fake’, ‘real’],
callback: function(data) {
random_data_store = data.fake.elements;
real_data_store = data.real.elements;
init_headline_generator();
display_new_headline();
}
});

 

Meanwhile, the art department is stockpiling graphics for post-climageddon use:

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LET’S TALK ABOUT OPTIMISM FOR A CHANGE

Democracy and journalism are in crisis mode—and have been for a while. So how about doing something different?

Mother Jones did. We just merged with the Center for Investigative Reporting, bringing the radio show Reveal, the documentary film team CIR Studios, and Mother Jones together as one bigger, bolder investigative journalism nonprofit.

And this is the first time we’re asking you to support the new organization we’re building. In “Less Dreading, More Doing,” we lay it all out for you: why we merged, how we’re stronger together, why we’re optimistic about the work ahead, and why we need to raise the First $500,000 in online donations by June 22.

It won’t be easy. There are many exciting new things to share with you, but spoiler: Wiggle room in our budget is not among them. We can’t afford missing these goals. We need this to be a big one. Falling flat would be utterly devastating right now.

A First $500,000 donation of $500, $50, or $5 would mean the world to us—a signal that you believe in the power of independent investigative reporting like we do. And whether you can pitch in or not, we have a free Strengthen Journalism sticker for you so you can help us spread the word and make the most of this huge moment.

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