Does Costco Destroy Baby Manatees? MoJo’s Eco-Doom Headline Generator

When climate change takes over, this little robot will carry on if we cannot.

When climate change takes over, rendering MoJo editors incapable of posting scary stories about how your consumer choices are ruining everything, the Mother Jones Eco-Doom Headline Generator will kick in. Click the big red button to see it in action. (Shameless h/t to BuzzFeed.) Bonus alarmist fun: Hey look, we already wrote a bunch of these!

‘);
headline_element.append(headline_dek);
create_headline_form = jQuery(‘

‘);
create_headline_form.append(jQuery(‘‘));
create_headline_form.append(jQuery(‘‘));
create_headline_form.bind(‘submit’, function() {
display_new_headline();
return false;
});
share_buttons_container = jQuery(‘

‘);

var headline_form_container = jQuery(‘

‘);
headline_form_container.append(create_headline_form);
headline_element.after(headline_form_container);
headline_form_container.after(share_buttons_container);
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_container’).bind(‘mouseover’, function() {
jQuery(document).bind(‘keydown’, keydown_handler);
});
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_container’).bind(‘mouseout’, function() {
jQuery(document).unbind(‘keydown’, keydown_handler);
});
};

var keydown_handler = function(e) {
if (e.keyCode === 37) {
display_new_headline();
} else if (e.keyCode === 39) {
display_new_headline();
} else if (e.keyCode === 32) {
display_new_headline();
} else if (e.keyCode === 13) {
display_new_headline();
}
return false;
}

var display_new_headline = function() {
var hed_and_url = construct_new_headline()
set_twitter_text(hed_and_url[0], hed_and_url[1]);
set_facebook_text(hed_and_url[0], hed_and_url[1]);
}

var construct_new_headline = function() {
var hed;
if ( Math.random() * 5 > 4 ) {
hed_and_url = new_real_headline()
} else {
hed_and_url = new_random_headline()
}
return [hed_and_url[0], hed_and_url[1]];
}

var new_real_headline = function() {
var hed_num = get_real_row_number();
var hed = ‘
+ real_data_store[hed_num].hed
+ ‘
‘;
headline_hed.html(hed);
return [real_data_store[hed_num].hed, real_data_store[hed_num].url];
}

var new_random_headline = function() {
var noun_num = get_random_row_number();
var noun = random_data_store[noun_num].noun;
var is_ing = random_data_store[noun_num].takesing.toLowerCase() === ‘yes’;
var verb = random_data_store[get_random_row_number()].verb;
if (is_ing) {
verb = verb.replace(/e$/, ”);
}
var second_noun = random_data_store[get_random_row_number()].secondnoun;
var hed = noun + ‘ ‘ + verb + (is_ing ? ‘ing ‘ : ‘ ‘) + second_noun + ‘?’;
headline_hed.html(hed);
return [hed, ‘http://mojo.ly/Yx9rZM’];
}

set_twitter_text = function(hed, url) {
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_container .hed-twitter-share-button’).remove()
share_buttons_container.append(‘TWEET
);
}

var set_facebook_text = function(hed, url) {
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_facebook_like’).remove();
share_buttons_container.append(
jQuery(‘FACEBOOK
)
/* jQuery(
facebook
)
*/
);
}

var get_random_row_number = function() {
return Math.floor(Math.random() * random_rows_length)
}

var get_real_row_number = function() {
return Math.floor(Math.random() * real_rows_length)
}

Tabletop.init({
key: “0AswaDV9q95oZdHpOX2s2MmpsNXR1RXRqNDEtS0FiV1E”,
proxy : ‘https://s3.amazonaws.com/mj-tabletop-proxy’,
wanted: [‘fake’, ‘real’],
callback: function(data) {
random_data_store = data.fake.elements;
real_data_store = data.real.elements;
init_headline_generator();
display_new_headline();
}
});

 

Meanwhile, the art department is stockpiling graphics for post-climageddon use:

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The months and years ahead won't be easy. Far from it. But there's no one we'd rather face the big challenges with than you, our committed and passionate readers, and our team of fearless reporters who show up every day.

Thank you!

We didn't know what to expect when we told you we needed to raise $400,000 before our fiscal year closed on June 30, and we're thrilled to report that our incredible community of readers contributed some $415,000 to help us keep charging as hard as we can during this crazy year.

You just sent an incredible message: that quality journalism doesn't have to answer to advertisers, billionaires, or hedge funds; that newsrooms can eke out an existence thanks primarily to the generosity of its readers. That's so powerful. Especially during what's been called a "media extinction event" when those looking to make a profit from the news pull back, the Mother Jones community steps in.

The months and years ahead won't be easy. Far from it. But there's no one we'd rather face the big challenges with than you, our committed and passionate readers, and our team of fearless reporters who show up every day.

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