Does Costco Destroy Baby Manatees? MoJo’s Eco-Doom Headline Generator

When climate change takes over, this little robot will carry on if we cannot.

When climate change takes over, rendering MoJo editors incapable of posting scary stories about how your consumer choices are ruining everything, the Mother Jones Eco-Doom Headline Generator will kick in. Click the big red button to see it in action. (Shameless h/t to BuzzFeed.) Bonus alarmist fun: Hey look, we already wrote a bunch of these!

‘);
headline_element.append(headline_dek);
create_headline_form = jQuery(‘

‘);
create_headline_form.append(jQuery(‘‘));
create_headline_form.append(jQuery(‘‘));
create_headline_form.bind(‘submit’, function() {
display_new_headline();
return false;
});
share_buttons_container = jQuery(‘

‘);

var headline_form_container = jQuery(‘

‘);
headline_form_container.append(create_headline_form);
headline_element.after(headline_form_container);
headline_form_container.after(share_buttons_container);
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_container’).bind(‘mouseover’, function() {
jQuery(document).bind(‘keydown’, keydown_handler);
});
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_container’).bind(‘mouseout’, function() {
jQuery(document).unbind(‘keydown’, keydown_handler);
});
};

var keydown_handler = function(e) {
if (e.keyCode === 37) {
display_new_headline();
} else if (e.keyCode === 39) {
display_new_headline();
} else if (e.keyCode === 32) {
display_new_headline();
} else if (e.keyCode === 13) {
display_new_headline();
}
return false;
}

var display_new_headline = function() {
var hed_and_url = construct_new_headline()
set_twitter_text(hed_and_url[0], hed_and_url[1]);
set_facebook_text(hed_and_url[0], hed_and_url[1]);
}

var construct_new_headline = function() {
var hed;
if ( Math.random() * 5 > 4 ) {
hed_and_url = new_real_headline()
} else {
hed_and_url = new_random_headline()
}
return [hed_and_url[0], hed_and_url[1]];
}

var new_real_headline = function() {
var hed_num = get_real_row_number();
var hed = ‘
+ real_data_store[hed_num].hed
+ ‘
‘;
headline_hed.html(hed);
return [real_data_store[hed_num].hed, real_data_store[hed_num].url];
}

var new_random_headline = function() {
var noun_num = get_random_row_number();
var noun = random_data_store[noun_num].noun;
var is_ing = random_data_store[noun_num].takesing.toLowerCase() === ‘yes’;
var verb = random_data_store[get_random_row_number()].verb;
if (is_ing) {
verb = verb.replace(/e$/, ”);
}
var second_noun = random_data_store[get_random_row_number()].secondnoun;
var hed = noun + ‘ ‘ + verb + (is_ing ? ‘ing ‘ : ‘ ‘) + second_noun + ‘?’;
headline_hed.html(hed);
return [hed, ‘http://mojo.ly/Yx9rZM’];
}

set_twitter_text = function(hed, url) {
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_container .hed-twitter-share-button’).remove()
share_buttons_container.append(‘TWEET
);
}

var set_facebook_text = function(hed, url) {
jQuery(‘#headline_generator_facebook_like’).remove();
share_buttons_container.append(
jQuery(‘FACEBOOK
)
/* jQuery(
facebook
)
*/
);
}

var get_random_row_number = function() {
return Math.floor(Math.random() * random_rows_length)
}

var get_real_row_number = function() {
return Math.floor(Math.random() * real_rows_length)
}

Tabletop.init({
key: “0AswaDV9q95oZdHpOX2s2MmpsNXR1RXRqNDEtS0FiV1E”,
proxy : ‘https://s3.amazonaws.com/mj-tabletop-proxy’,
wanted: [‘fake’, ‘real’],
callback: function(data) {
random_data_store = data.fake.elements;
real_data_store = data.real.elements;
init_headline_generator();
display_new_headline();
}
});

 

Meanwhile, the art department is stockpiling graphics for post-climageddon use:

DOES IT FEEL LIKE POLITICS IS AT A BREAKING POINT?

Headshot of Editor in Chief of Mother Jones, Clara Jeffery

It sure feels that way to me, and here at Mother Jones, we’ve been thinking a lot about what journalism needs to do differently, and how we can have the biggest impact.

We kept coming back to one word: corruption. Democracy and the rule of law being undermined by those with wealth and power for their own gain. So we're launching an ambitious Mother Jones Corruption Project to do deep, time-intensive reporting on systemic corruption, and asking the MoJo community to help crowdfund it.

We aim to hire, build a team, and give them the time and space needed to understand how we got here and how we might get out. We want to dig into the forces and decisions that have allowed massive conflicts of interest, influence peddling, and win-at-all-costs politics to flourish.

It's unlike anything we've done, and we have seed funding to get started, but we're looking to raise $500,000 from readers by July when we'll be making key budgeting decisions—and the more resources we have by then, the deeper we can dig. If our plan sounds good to you, please help kickstart it with a tax-deductible donation today.

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Signed by Clara Jeffery

Clara Jeffery, Editor-in-Chief

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