April 24, 2007

Sheryl Crow Under Fire for Toilet Paper Proposal

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I’ve come across less than effective environmentalism over the years. The least effective ever had to be bathwater recycling in an area with no drought at all. This was accomplished by plugging the bathtub drain, scooping out the water with a bucket, and using it to flush the toilets. Standing in previous bathers’ scummy water made showering quite unpleasant. But none of those radicals ever scolded me to conserve toilet paper.

That’s why I was surprised to read that Sheryl Crow had literally proposed rationing toilet paper to stave off global warming. She had also designed washable clothing to take the place of napkins at the dinner table, the BBC reported. In fact, she was just clowning around on her blog:

I propose a limitation be put on how many sqares [sic] of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don’t want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required. When presenting this idea to my younger brother, who’s judgement [sic] I trust implicitly, he proposed taking it one step further. I believe his quote was, “how bout just washing the one square out.

I also like the idea of not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the heighth of wastefullness.[sic] I have designed a clothing line that has what’s called a “dining sleeve”. The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another “dining sleeve,” after usage. The design will offer the “diner” the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product.. I think this idea could also translate quite well to those suffering with an annoying head cold.

What’s funniest was how many news reporters took the spoof seriously, after the BBC took the quotes out of context. Today, she had to spell out “just kidding” to the gullibles: “We’re just so happy that people are talking about global warming, even if it’s brought on by a joke.” Sorry to disappoint, guys, but the “dining sleeve” clothing line will not hit stores anytime soon.

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