March 15, 2020

Tom Hanks, Spread As Much Vegemite on Your Toast As You Like. But Here’s the Thing You’re Missing.

Shane White/Dave Bedrosian/Shutterstock/Zuma

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Everyone is right to be worried about the spread of coronavirus. But what about the spread of Vegemite?

The famously salty Aussie staple appeared as a cameo in this weekend’s corona-drama Down Under, thanks to actor Tom Hanks, who sparked an outbreak of concern, and a historic debate among our citizens:

Is this too much Vegemite?

Hanks and his wife Rita Wilson tested positive for coronavirus in Australia last week, while in production for Baz Luhrmann’s new, untitled film about Elvis. But when he posted his thanks to the Australian people on Twitter and Instagram this weekend, from an isolation unit at a Gold Coast hospital, Australians were frankly worried—and not about the coronavirus.

“Tom, step away from the Vegemite,” said one Insta-user. “That’s wAAAAAAAY too much.” Most agreed. Said another: “I adore Tom Hanks and I’m sure he is in safe hands, but somebody desperately needs to help him with his Vegemite application.”

Here I am, Tom. Mother Jones’s senior Australian, to set this straight. I’d like to file a dissent to the growing consensus: This is a good amount of Vegemite. A real pro-level spread. A YOLO spread. A crisis spread. I’m into it.

Where I have my real gripe is Hank’s lack of butter. Here’s my own guide for Tom Hanks:

  • Speed is important. The snack is best served hot. Vegemite is at peak-deliciousness when lots of butter (or margarine, whatever you like) is applied to fresh medium-toasted bread, right away, followed by a deep-dig spread from the Vegemite jar. Vegemite is dangerously delicious. I spread it on thick. The point here is to achieve a buttery, melty mess of Vegemite atop hot toast. Pure alchemy.
  • I prefer a thin-sliced multigrain in this situation. But it’s equally delicious on sourdough for that extra crunch, or straight-up white bread if you want a bit of softness, aided by the butter.
  • Rapid cooling of toast is a major problem for this snack. Even the staging required to get Hank’s photograph would have cooled the toast far too much for my liking. The desired sequence of sensations should go something like this: satisfying crunch of the toast, before sinking into the gooey, salty mix on a rapidly softening piece of hot toast.
  • Consume for any meal.
  • Now, if you’re a real pro, add a sharp cheddar to finish it. Consume quickly. Welcome to Australia. And all the best wishes, Tom, for a speedy recovery.

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THE FACTS SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES.

At least we hope they will, because that’s our approach to raising the $350,000 in online donations we need right now—during our high-stakes December fundraising push.

It’s the most important month of the year for our fundraising, with upward of 15 percent of our annual online total coming in during the final week—and there’s a lot to say about why Mother Jones’ journalism, and thus hitting that big number, matters tremendously right now.

But you told us fundraising is annoying—with the gimmicks, overwrought tone, manipulative language, and sheer volume of urgent URGENT URGENT!!! content we’re all bombarded with. It sure can be.

So we’re going to try making this as un-annoying as possible. In “Let the Facts Speak for Themselves” we give it our best shot, answering three questions that most any fundraising should try to speak to: Why us, why now, why does it matter?

The upshot? Mother Jones does journalism you don’t find elsewhere: in-depth, time-intensive, ahead-of-the-curve reporting on underreported beats. We operate on razor-thin margins in an unfathomably hard news business, and can’t afford to come up short on these online goals. And given everything, reporting like ours is vital right now.

If you can afford to part with a few bucks, please support the reporting you get from Mother Jones with a much-needed year-end donation. And please do it now, while you’re thinking about it—with fewer people paying attention to the news like you are, we need everyone with us to get there.

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