November 4, 2000

Campaign Memories and Alka-Seltzer Dreams

In which our man Will Durst lays Presidential Campaign 2000 to rest with a compendium of his favorite moments of the past 12 months.

Image: AP Photo/Beth Keise

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“Will,” you say, “there can’t possibly be any good memories among the thousands of laughable, absurd, ludicrous moments our two lovable major political parties have provided us over the past 12 months.”

Well no, dear friends, there are not. Nonetheless, I like making lists. So, I have exhaustively sifted through the gaffes, scams, and blunders of the past campaign, and here are the ones I can remember.

  • Iowa Republican debate: John McCain is asked if he would keep Alan Greenspan on as chair of the Federal Reserve. McCain says that not only would he retain Greenspan, but if Big Alan were to die, McCain would prop him up and put sunglasses on him like in “Weekend at Bernie’s.” What he doesn’t mention is the precedent for this in Republican politics: That’s what they did with Reagan during his entire second term.

  • New Hampshire primary: Orrin Hatch drops out after polls show he remains at 0 percent with a plus or minus 4 percent margin of error.

  • New Hampshire Republican debate: George W. is asked the first thing he would do if elected. He says he would get down on his knees and ask God to help him. Gary Bauer leans over and says, “If you get elected, that’s the first thing we’re all going to do.”

  • New Hampshire Democratic debate: Bradley and Gore refuse to use strobe lights; millions of viewers who are unable to detect any signs of movement tune out, thinking a satellite glitch has occurred.

  • New Hampshire Gore rally: I’m sorry, I dozed off. Were you saying something?

  • Oakland Bush rally: Not one African American in attendance.

  • Republican Convention, Moment I: In an effort to appear sensitive to diversity, Bush picks a former CEO from a totally different Texas oil company as his running mate.

  • Democratic Convention, Moment I: Bill Clinton executes a perfect rock-star walk to the podium, but disappoints the crowd by failing to throw scarves while crooning “Blue Suede Shoes.”

  • Democratic Convention, Moment II: Barbra Streisand wears sunglasses in Staples Center so she won’t be recognized in her skybox as she waves at the cameras.

  • Democratic Convention, Moment III: Al tries to pump Tipper’s stomach with his tongue.

  • Presidential Debates, Moment I: Gore strides up to Bush, looks like he’s going to belt him, and in his only authentic moment all year long, Bush does a double take.

  • Presidential Debates, Moment II: Bush says he’s for affirmative access, not affirmative action. Hey, he’s the son of a president running for the presidency: That is affirmative action.

  • Presidential Debates, Moment III: Supporters find they believe in a lot of what Al Gore says, until he says it. Then the insight hits: “I thought so too, but now I’m not so sure.”

WHO DOESN’T LOVE A POSITIVE STORY—OR TWO?

“Great journalism really does make a difference in this world: it can even save kids.”

That’s what a civil rights lawyer wrote to Julia Lurie, the day after her major investigation into a psychiatric hospital chain that uses foster children as “cash cows” published, letting her know he was using her findings that same day in a hearing to keep a child out of one of the facilities we investigated.

That’s awesome. As is the fact that Julia, who spent a full year reporting this challenging story, promptly heard from a Senate committee that will use her work in their own investigation of Universal Health Services. There’s no doubt her revelations will continue to have a big impact in the months and years to come.

Like another story about Mother Jones’ real-world impact.

This one, a multiyear investigation, published in 2021, exposed conditions in sugar work camps in the Dominican Republic owned by Central Romana—the conglomerate behind brands like C&H and Domino, whose product ends up in our Hershey bars and other sweets. A year ago, the Biden administration banned sugar imports from Central Romana. And just recently, we learned of a previously undisclosed investigation from the Department of Homeland Security, looking into working conditions at Central Romana. How big of a deal is this?

“This could be the first time a corporation would be held criminally liable for forced labor in their own supply chains,” according to a retired special agent we talked to.

Wow.

And it is only because Mother Jones is funded primarily by donations from readers that we can mount ambitious, yearlong—or more—investigations like these two stories that are making waves.

About that: It’s unfathomably hard in the news business right now, and we came up about $28,000 short during our recent fall fundraising campaign. We simply have to make that up soon to avoid falling further behind than can be made up for, or needing to somehow trim $1 million from our budget, like happened last year.

If you can, please support the reporting you get from Mother Jones—that exists to make a difference, not a profit—with a donation of any amount today. We need more donations than normal to come in from this specific blurb to help close our funding gap before it gets any bigger.

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WHO DOESN’T LOVE A POSITIVE STORY—OR TWO?

“Great journalism really does make a difference in this world: it can even save kids.”

That’s what a civil rights lawyer wrote to Julia Lurie, the day after her major investigation into a psychiatric hospital chain that uses foster children as “cash cows” published, letting her know he was using her findings that same day in a hearing to keep a child out of one of the facilities we investigated.

That’s awesome. As is the fact that Julia, who spent a full year reporting this challenging story, promptly heard from a Senate committee that will use her work in their own investigation of Universal Health Services. There’s no doubt her revelations will continue to have a big impact in the months and years to come.

Like another story about Mother Jones’ real-world impact.

This one, a multiyear investigation, published in 2021, exposed conditions in sugar work camps in the Dominican Republic owned by Central Romana—the conglomerate behind brands like C&H and Domino, whose product ends up in our Hershey bars and other sweets. A year ago, the Biden administration banned sugar imports from Central Romana. And just recently, we learned of a previously undisclosed investigation from the Department of Homeland Security, looking into working conditions at Central Romana. How big of a deal is this?

“This could be the first time a corporation would be held criminally liable for forced labor in their own supply chains,” according to a retired special agent we talked to.

Wow.

And it is only because Mother Jones is funded primarily by donations from readers that we can mount ambitious, yearlong—or more—investigations like these two stories that are making waves.

About that: It’s unfathomably hard in the news business right now, and we came up about $28,000 short during our recent fall fundraising campaign. We simply have to make that up soon to avoid falling further behind than can be made up for, or needing to somehow trim $1 million from our budget, like happened last year.

If you can, please support the reporting you get from Mother Jones—that exists to make a difference, not a profit—with a donation of any amount today. We need more donations than normal to come in from this specific blurb to help close our funding gap before it gets any bigger.

payment methods

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