Brian Kerns

honoring our rubber-stamp congress, whose members have found plenty of time to do squat

Image: Joe Ciardiello & Tomer Hanuka


An American Legion official recalled being in a meeting with Kerns during the attack. Confronted with his lie and asked to account where he really was during the attacks, Kerns ran away from the media, saying, “Who knows?”

MTV’s Forgotten Music Award

Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) wrote a tune called “America Rocks,” which formed part of the soundtrack to the movie Rat Race: “America rocks! America rocks! / From its busy, bustling cities, / To its quiet country walks, / It’s totally cool, it’s totally hot. / I mean, it’s like right there at the top.”

Senator Zell Miller (D-Ga.), concerned that “the pickup owners of this nation might get screwed in all this gas-guzzler talk about suvs and vans,” co-wrote, sang, and recorded “The Talking Pickup Truck Blues.” The song goes in part: “I hear some news from Washington / Of a crackpot scheme to raise some mon. / It’s an unkind way to raise a buck, / And it adds more cost to my pickup truck.”

Rep. Joe Scarborough (R-Fla.) played guitar with his band Regular Joe and, prior to leaving office last September, was often heard singing the alt-rock tune “Teenage Dirtbag.” It goes in part: “Oh, how she rocks in Keds and tube socks, / But she doesn’t know who I am, / And she doesn’t give a damn about me, / ‘Cause I’m just a teenage dirtbag, baby.” “I think I should get points for not doing Perry Como songs,” said Scarborough.

Rep. Dick Armey (R-Texas) released a CD entitled Dick Armey’s Favorite Hits. (No, seriously.) The album cover features the House majority leader atop a horse and includes such titles as “I’m Just an Old Chunk of Coal.”

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